ShortCuts in This Guide

• Help My Son Deal with a Bully
  If your son says he is being bullied, take the bullying information seriously and respond thoughtfully. The effects of bullying can be grave, but bullying can be overcome. Here are some ideas to help you and your son deal with bullies.
  
  When a bully confronts your son, suggest your child do the following:
  

  • Act confident (even if he isn’t). If the bully believes that your son is confident and that the bullying is not having the desired effect, the bully may give up.
  • Ignore the bully and walk away. Walking away can be very effective. Bullies rarely want to waste time bothering someone who doesn’t react.
  • Be assertive but not aggressive. Speak directly to the bully and tell him to stop bullying. Remind your son that assertiveness is different from aggression. Physical contact is never acceptable, so no punching.
  • Find a friend. Take a friend with him to classes, the bathroom, the lunchroom, and home (if he walks to school). Having a companion will make your son feel safer and more confident if a problem arises.
  • Find a safe person. Find a trusted adult (teacher, counselor, administrator) at school that he can go to if he feels threatened. He should also choose a back-up person in case the go-to person is absent.

  Here are some other tactics to protect your son from bullying and help him deal with bullies:
  

  • Be supportive. Make sure your son knows that you don’t think he has brought the bullying on himself or that the bullying is in any way his fault.
  • Involve dad or another positive male role model. Bullying may make your son feel insecure, but having a man in his life who is interested in his well-being can help build your son’s self-esteem.
  • Keep a log. When bullying occurs, have your son tell you what happened, who was involved, when it happened, and where it happened. Be sure to record every incident and keep a log of all the details.
  • Make an appointment. Meet with his teachers, counselor, and principal (if necessary) to let them know about the bullying. Ask them to let the other teachers know about the situation, so that all teachers can be alert for suspicious behavior from the boys involved. Also find out what the school plans to do to help resolve the issue.
  • Communicate with your son openly and frequently. Ask your son about his day—every day. Ask such questions as Who did you eat lunch with? and Who did you hang out with at recess? Play a game of High-Low at the dinner table. Ask each member of the family to tell the high point and low point of the day. If your son consistently responds with a low point that involves recess, friends, lunch, or “everything,” be on the lookout for possible bullying.
  • Do your homework. Inform yourself about the laws in your state designed to protect children from harassment at school and in the community. You can usually find information online or at your local library.
  • Role play. Practice different types of bullying situations at home and ways your son can respond appropriately to each one. This will help him be more confident if he faces bullies.
  • Arrange play dates. Whether your son is six or sixteen, suggest he invite a friend over. If your son is a teenager, you can take him and his friends to the movies or bowling or have a movie night at your house.
  • Suggest exercise. Sometimes just getting out for a good run or brisk walk will improve your son’s mood. Better yet, join him and talk about something that makes him feel good about himself.
  • Be proactive. If you are looking for a new school, ask questions about bullying such as the following: What is the school’s policy about bullying? What are the statistics about bullying at the school?

  
  
  Sources:
  kidshealth.org
  education.com
  menshealth.co.uk

• Help My Son Deal with a Bully

  If your son says he is being bullied, take the bullying information seriously and respond thoughtfully. The effects of bullying can be grave, but bullying can be overcome. Here are some ideas to help you and your son deal with bullies.
  
  When a bully confronts your son, suggest your child do the following:
  

  • Act confident (even if he isn’t). If the bully believes that your son is confident and that the bullying is not having the desired effect, the bully may give up.
  • Ignore the bully and walk away. Walking away can be very effective. Bullies rarely want to waste time bothering someone who doesn’t react.
  • Be assertive but not aggressive. Speak directly to the bully and tell him to stop bullying. Remind your son that assertiveness is different from aggression. Physical contact is never acceptable, so no punching.
  • Find a friend. Take a friend with him to classes, the bathroom, the lunchroom, and home (if he walks to school). Having a companion will make your son feel safer and more confident if a problem arises.
  • Find a safe person. Find a trusted adult (teacher, counselor, administrator) at school that he can go to if he feels threatened. He should also choose a back-up person in case the go-to person is absent.

  Here are some other tactics to protect your son from bullying and help him deal with bullies:
  

  • Be supportive. Make sure your son knows that you don’t think he has brought the bullying on himself or that the bullying is in any way his fault.
  • Involve dad or another positive male role model. Bullying may make your son feel insecure, but having a man in his life who is interested in his well-being can help build your son’s self-esteem.
  • Keep a log. When bullying occurs, have your son tell you what happened, who was involved, when it happened, and where it happened. Be sure to record every incident and keep a log of all the details.
  • Make an appointment. Meet with his teachers, counselor, and principal (if necessary) to let them know about the bullying. Ask them to let the other teachers know about the situation, so that all teachers can be alert for suspicious behavior from the boys involved. Also find out what the school plans to do to help resolve the issue.
  • Communicate with your son openly and frequently. Ask your son about his day—every day. Ask such questions as Who did you eat lunch with? and Who did you hang out with at recess? Play a game of High-Low at the dinner table. Ask each member of the family to tell the high point and low point of the day. If your son consistently responds with a low point that involves recess, friends, lunch, or “everything,” be on the lookout for possible bullying.
  • Do your homework. Inform yourself about the laws in your state designed to protect children from harassment at school and in the community. You can usually find information online or at your local library.
  • Role play. Practice different types of bullying situations at home and ways your son can respond appropriately to each one. This will help him be more confident if he faces bullies.
  • Arrange play dates. Whether your son is six or sixteen, suggest he invite a friend over. If your son is a teenager, you can take him and his friends to the movies or bowling or have a movie night at your house.
  • Suggest exercise. Sometimes just getting out for a good run or brisk walk will improve your son’s mood. Better yet, join him and talk about something that makes him feel good about himself.
  • Be proactive. If you are looking for a new school, ask questions about bullying such as the following: What is the school’s policy about bullying? What are the statistics about bullying at the school?

  
  
  Sources:
  kidshealth.org
  education.com
  menshealth.co.uk
• Stop My Son from Bullying
  What should you do if you notice your son acting like a bully or if a teacher, neighbor, or another kid’s parent tells you that your son is bullying someone? These suggestions can help:
  

  • Listen with open ears. When a teacher or another parent describes your son’s bullying behavior, it’s natural for you to react defensively or deny that your child is capable of bullying. But it’s important to take a deep breath and really listen to what the person has to say. Ask questions to gain understanding—not to prove the other person wrong.
  • Keep things in perspective. When talking to the parents of the victim, discuss the issue in a mature, respectful way. It is appropriate to say, for example, “Please don’t label my child or call him names. Just explain what happened.” Remember that this discussion is about the well-being of the victim. It’s not an attack on your parenting skills.
  • Try to be understanding. Your son’s adolescent behaviors may come from feeling vulnerable, as ironic as it seems. Try to discover what might be going on in his life that causes him to bully. Has there been a major change or a death in your family? Are there other family pressures he might be reacting to? Stress in children can change their behavior drastically.
  • Teach control. When you discuss your son’s behavior with him, don’t blame him. Emphasize that he is responsible for his own behavior and that anger in children is a normal feeling everyone experiences but one we must learn to control. Teach your son alternative ways to deal with aggression, such as shooting hoops in the driveway to work off excess energy (this will be more effective if you join him) or spending some time alone listening to music or meditating to relieve stress.
  • Reinforce kindness. Encourage your son (and help him) to do one nice thing for three different people every day, such as helping tutor a younger student, doing a chore for a neighbor, or phoning a grandparent. This exercise helps shift the mind from negative behavior to positive behavior, and it can be very effective. Be sure to model kindness yourself.
  • Seek help. If you believe that your son is bullying other boys, get help for him as soon as possible. Meet with his pediatrician or family doctor, teachers, school counselor, or principal to create a plan to help your son work through his problems and get to the root of the bullying. If the bullying persists and all parties agree that he needs professional help, ask his doctor to recommend a therapist in your area who specializes in adolescents, preferably one who has had experience treating bullying.

  
  
  Sources:
  aacap.org
  EduGuide (articles on file)
  kidshealth.org
  education.com
  

• Stop My Son from Bullying

  What should you do if you notice your son acting like a bully or if a teacher, neighbor, or another kid’s parent tells you that your son is bullying someone? These suggestions can help:
  

  • Listen with open ears. When a teacher or another parent describes your son’s bullying behavior, it’s natural for you to react defensively or deny that your child is capable of bullying. But it’s important to take a deep breath and really listen to what the person has to say. Ask questions to gain understanding—not to prove the other person wrong.
  • Keep things in perspective. When talking to the parents of the victim, discuss the issue in a mature, respectful way. It is appropriate to say, for example, “Please don’t label my child or call him names. Just explain what happened.” Remember that this discussion is about the well-being of the victim. It’s not an attack on your parenting skills.
  • Try to be understanding. Your son’s adolescent behaviors may come from feeling vulnerable, as ironic as it seems. Try to discover what might be going on in his life that causes him to bully. Has there been a major change or a death in your family? Are there other family pressures he might be reacting to? Stress in children can change their behavior drastically.
  • Teach control. When you discuss your son’s behavior with him, don’t blame him. Emphasize that he is responsible for his own behavior and that anger in children is a normal feeling everyone experiences but one we must learn to control. Teach your son alternative ways to deal with aggression, such as shooting hoops in the driveway to work off excess energy (this will be more effective if you join him) or spending some time alone listening to music or meditating to relieve stress.
  • Reinforce kindness. Encourage your son (and help him) to do one nice thing for three different people every day, such as helping tutor a younger student, doing a chore for a neighbor, or phoning a grandparent. This exercise helps shift the mind from negative behavior to positive behavior, and it can be very effective. Be sure to model kindness yourself.
  • Seek help. If you believe that your son is bullying other boys, get help for him as soon as possible. Meet with his pediatrician or family doctor, teachers, school counselor, or principal to create a plan to help your son work through his problems and get to the root of the bullying. If the bullying persists and all parties agree that he needs professional help, ask his doctor to recommend a therapist in your area who specializes in adolescents, preferably one who has had experience treating bullying.

  
  
  Sources:
  aacap.org
  EduGuide (articles on file)
  kidshealth.org
  education.com
  
• Help My Son Cope with Cyber Bullying
  If your son is being bullied over the Internet or through other kinds of information technology (that is, cyber bullied), take these steps.
  

  • Contact the bully’s parents. As calmly as possible, let them know about the bullying and describe its effects on your son. Explain that you will be contacting the school with the information about the cyber bullying. If the bully’s parents don’t seem to be taking the problem seriously, add that you will notify the police if necessary.
  • Change your son’s email address, cell phone number, passwords, and so on. Make sure he understands that he is never to give his passwords to any of his friends no matter what the circumstances or how much he trusts hem. Once your son has a new cell phone number and email address, remind him to share them only with his close friends and his family.
  • Contact the school. If both boys attend the same school and if the bullying has been going on for some time, tell school personnel what is happening. They may have some suggestions about ways to help. If they know about the problem, they can monitor the bully’s actions at school.
  • Keep personal information private. Remind your son never to give out personal information over the Internet—no exceptions.
  • Don’t respond. If your teen receives a threatening message or experiences any other types of bullying behavior online or on his cell phone, tell him not to respond. Explain that the bully is looking for a reaction, preferably one of distress or fear. By failing to respond, your son is taking away the bully’s power.
  • Don’t forward. If your son receives an email or any other form of electronic communication about someone else that is hostile or defamatory, make sure he doesn' forward it to anyone. Remind him that if he does forward such communication, he could find himself in just as much trouble as the person who sent it to him. Your son should contact a responsible adult and show him or her any communication that he feels is inappropriate.
  • Keep records. Keep every example of cyber bullying that your son receives. Make sure the date and source of the communication are clear. Keep this information organized in an electronic or paper file (or both) to use as proof later if you need to.
  • Do your research. Search online or contact your local police department to find out what the cyber bullying laws are in your state. Many states are creating tougher laws to help kids understand the seriousness of cyber bullying.
  • Join with other parents.Join an existing group focused on cyber bullying or form one to research and discuss this form of social violence and take steps to address it.

• Help My Son Cope with Cyber Bullying

  If your son is being bullied over the Internet or through other kinds of information technology (that is, cyber bullied), take these steps.
  

  • Contact the bully’s parents. As calmly as possible, let them know about the bullying and describe its effects on your son. Explain that you will be contacting the school with the information about the cyber bullying. If the bully’s parents don’t seem to be taking the problem seriously, add that you will notify the police if necessary.
  • Change your son’s email address, cell phone number, passwords, and so on. Make sure he understands that he is never to give his passwords to any of his friends no matter what the circumstances or how much he trusts hem. Once your son has a new cell phone number and email address, remind him to share them only with his close friends and his family.
  • Contact the school. If both boys attend the same school and if the bullying has been going on for some time, tell school personnel what is happening. They may have some suggestions about ways to help. If they know about the problem, they can monitor the bully’s actions at school.
  • Keep personal information private. Remind your son never to give out personal information over the Internet—no exceptions.
  • Don’t respond. If your teen receives a threatening message or experiences any other types of bullying behavior online or on his cell phone, tell him not to respond. Explain that the bully is looking for a reaction, preferably one of distress or fear. By failing to respond, your son is taking away the bully’s power.
  • Don’t forward. If your son receives an email or any other form of electronic communication about someone else that is hostile or defamatory, make sure he doesn' forward it to anyone. Remind him that if he does forward such communication, he could find himself in just as much trouble as the person who sent it to him. Your son should contact a responsible adult and show him or her any communication that he feels is inappropriate.
  • Keep records. Keep every example of cyber bullying that your son receives. Make sure the date and source of the communication are clear. Keep this information organized in an electronic or paper file (or both) to use as proof later if you need to.
  • Do your research. Search online or contact your local police department to find out what the cyber bullying laws are in your state. Many states are creating tougher laws to help kids understand the seriousness of cyber bullying.
  • Join with other parents.Join an existing group focused on cyber bullying or form one to research and discuss this form of social violence and take steps to address it.
• Get Help with Bullying from My Son's School
  If your son is being bullied at school, there are actions you and the school can take to remedy the problem. Here’s what you need to know about getting help for your son and about school policies for preventing bullying.
  

  Stop Bullying Now

  • Set up a meeting. First meet with the appropriate teachers and the principal as soon as you can and have your child explain what is happening to him. If you don’t think your concerns are being taken seriously enough, contact the school counselor and superintendent and meet with them.
  • Take notes. At the meeting, record everything the school personnel promises to do. Before the meeting ends, repeat your list of expectations and make sure everyone agrees.
  • Ask about the bully. Be sure the school is also meeting with the bully and his parents. Ask what type of punishment he will receive and what the next step will be if the bullying happens again. Follow up to make sure the school is executing its plan.
  • Consider counseling. If the school has a counselor on staff, have your son meet with him or her. You may want to be present for the first meeting and then let your son meet with the counselor independently. Also ask what type of counseling is available for the bully and suggest that the bully’s parents be informed about counseling.
  • Write a letter. If you’ve contacted the school and met with administrators and the bullying continues, write a letter to the superintendent and copy the teacher, principal, and counselor. Include copies of any evidence (notes, emails, photos) of the bullying.
  • Be persistent. Be your son’s advocate and do your best to protect him from the effects of bullying. Contact the administrators as many times as necessary if your concerns are not being addressed and the problem continues.
  • Be informed. Learn the anti-bullying laws in your state.
  • Contact the bully’s parents. Discussing the problem with the bully’s parents may be very helpful, but only if you are calm and reasonable.
  • Find a safe person. Identify at least one person at school (a teacher, principal, or staff assistant) that your child can go to at any time if he needs to.

  Prevent Bullying before It Starts

  • Bully prevention. Many schools have adopted bully prevention programs and have trained teachers to stop bullying before it starts. Find out what type of training your school is providing.
  • Training for parents. Are parents encouraged to be involved in bullying prevention? If not, suggest that the school bring in guest speakers and conduct anti-bullying workshops for parents.
  • Help for bystanders. Teaching kids to speak up and help when their classmates are being bullied is tough to do. Be sure your school offers training for all students so they know what to do if they witness bullying.
  • Security. Be sure your school has working security cameras throughout the school that are checked regularly. In addition, school personnel should routinely check hallways and bathrooms to make sure all areas of the school are safe.
  • Shop around. If you’re researching new schools, do your homework before you meet with administrators. Look for schools and teachers who reward children for being kind and have zero tolerance for bullying. Ask specific questions about bullying, such as What is your policy on bullying? and How are kids who bully punished?

• Get Help with Bullying from My Son's School

  If your son is being bullied at school, there are actions you and the school can take to remedy the problem. Here’s what you need to know about getting help for your son and about school policies for preventing bullying.
  

  Stop Bullying Now

  • Set up a meeting. First meet with the appropriate teachers and the principal as soon as you can and have your child explain what is happening to him. If you don’t think your concerns are being taken seriously enough, contact the school counselor and superintendent and meet with them.
  • Take notes. At the meeting, record everything the school personnel promises to do. Before the meeting ends, repeat your list of expectations and make sure everyone agrees.
  • Ask about the bully. Be sure the school is also meeting with the bully and his parents. Ask what type of punishment he will receive and what the next step will be if the bullying happens again. Follow up to make sure the school is executing its plan.
  • Consider counseling. If the school has a counselor on staff, have your son meet with him or her. You may want to be present for the first meeting and then let your son meet with the counselor independently. Also ask what type of counseling is available for the bully and suggest that the bully’s parents be informed about counseling.
  • Write a letter. If you’ve contacted the school and met with administrators and the bullying continues, write a letter to the superintendent and copy the teacher, principal, and counselor. Include copies of any evidence (notes, emails, photos) of the bullying.
  • Be persistent. Be your son’s advocate and do your best to protect him from the effects of bullying. Contact the administrators as many times as necessary if your concerns are not being addressed and the problem continues.
  • Be informed. Learn the anti-bullying laws in your state.
  • Contact the bully’s parents. Discussing the problem with the bully’s parents may be very helpful, but only if you are calm and reasonable.
  • Find a safe person. Identify at least one person at school (a teacher, principal, or staff assistant) that your child can go to at any time if he needs to.

  Prevent Bullying before It Starts

  • Bully prevention. Many schools have adopted bully prevention programs and have trained teachers to stop bullying before it starts. Find out what type of training your school is providing.
  • Training for parents. Are parents encouraged to be involved in bullying prevention? If not, suggest that the school bring in guest speakers and conduct anti-bullying workshops for parents.
  • Help for bystanders. Teaching kids to speak up and help when their classmates are being bullied is tough to do. Be sure your school offers training for all students so they know what to do if they witness bullying.
  • Security. Be sure your school has working security cameras throughout the school that are checked regularly. In addition, school personnel should routinely check hallways and bathrooms to make sure all areas of the school are safe.
  • Shop around. If you’re researching new schools, do your homework before you meet with administrators. Look for schools and teachers who reward children for being kind and have zero tolerance for bullying. Ask specific questions about bullying, such as What is your policy on bullying? and How are kids who bully punished?
• Bullying Information Resource List for Boys
  Many resources are available to help boys who are being bullied. Here are some of the best Web sites, books, and other resources.
  

  Bullying Web Sites

  • bullying.org Founded by father and teacher Bill Belsey in response to the school shootings in Littleton, Colorado, and Taber, Alberta, this is the leading site on the internet for bullying information. It has three goals: to help people understand that they are not alone, that being bullied is not the victims’ fault, and that there are many successful strategies for dealing with bullies.
  • easingtheteasing.com The works of certified social worker and author Judy Freedman are featured on this site, which also gives access to all her programs, information, and workshops.
  • education.com This Web site includes a special edition devoted to bullying and cyber bullying. It includes numerous articles on bullying of both younger and older kids, the different types of bullying, and bullying in many different situations.
  • stopbullyingnow.org This U.S. Department Health and Human Services site is designed to attract kids of all ages. Users can download anti-bullying podcasts, cartoons about bullying, and a Stop Bullying Now mobile ring tone.
  • stopcyberbullying.org New technologies create new ways for kids to bully. Get strategies for prevention, tips, and information about online bullying.
  • nasponline.org Find information about CyberSmart! Cyber Bullying Awareness Curriculum, a free program for educators. This program facilitates the prevention of cyber bullying and helps provide outreach to families and communities.

  Books on Bullying

  • Schools Where Everyone Belongs by Stan Davis This book is designed for educators and parents to help create a safe and inclusive environment at school.
  • The Brand New Kid by Katie Couric This book for young kids was inspired by Couric’s childhood memories and by the Columbine school shootings. Through this story, Couric challenges parents to stop excusing mean-spirited behavior and instead teach children to be kind and tolerant.

  Other Help with Bullying

  • Friendship seminars These very effective seminars are becoming more popular in schools throughout the country. Check with your child’s school to see if they have considered a friendship seminar, or look online to find out how to bring one to your school.
  • Friends Who Care This award-winning disability-awareness curriculum is designed to help sensitize nondisabled students to their peers with disabilities. The program includes a teacher guide, video, and several posters. You may be able to obtain a copy from your local library, or contact The National Easter Seals Society, 70 East Lake Street, Chicago, IL 60601, (312) 726-6200.

• Bullying Information Resource List for Boys

  Many resources are available to help boys who are being bullied. Here are some of the best Web sites, books, and other resources.
  

  Bullying Web Sites

  • bullying.org Founded by father and teacher Bill Belsey in response to the school shootings in Littleton, Colorado, and Taber, Alberta, this is the leading site on the internet for bullying information. It has three goals: to help people understand that they are not alone, that being bullied is not the victims’ fault, and that there are many successful strategies for dealing with bullies.
  • easingtheteasing.com The works of certified social worker and author Judy Freedman are featured on this site, which also gives access to all her programs, information, and workshops.
  • education.com This Web site includes a special edition devoted to bullying and cyber bullying. It includes numerous articles on bullying of both younger and older kids, the different types of bullying, and bullying in many different situations.
  • stopbullyingnow.org This U.S. Department Health and Human Services site is designed to attract kids of all ages. Users can download anti-bullying podcasts, cartoons about bullying, and a Stop Bullying Now mobile ring tone.
  • stopcyberbullying.org New technologies create new ways for kids to bully. Get strategies for prevention, tips, and information about online bullying.
  • nasponline.org Find information about CyberSmart! Cyber Bullying Awareness Curriculum, a free program for educators. This program facilitates the prevention of cyber bullying and helps provide outreach to families and communities.

  Books on Bullying

  • Schools Where Everyone Belongs by Stan Davis This book is designed for educators and parents to help create a safe and inclusive environment at school.
  • The Brand New Kid by Katie Couric This book for young kids was inspired by Couric’s childhood memories and by the Columbine school shootings. Through this story, Couric challenges parents to stop excusing mean-spirited behavior and instead teach children to be kind and tolerant.

  Other Help with Bullying

  • Friendship seminars These very effective seminars are becoming more popular in schools throughout the country. Check with your child’s school to see if they have considered a friendship seminar, or look online to find out how to bring one to your school.
  • Friends Who Care This award-winning disability-awareness curriculum is designed to help sensitize nondisabled students to their peers with disabilities. The program includes a teacher guide, video, and several posters. You may be able to obtain a copy from your local library, or contact The National Easter Seals Society, 70 East Lake Street, Chicago, IL 60601, (312) 726-6200.