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What age should sibling rivalry stop?

My oldest daughter used to be easy going and fun. Eveer since my almost 3 year old daughter was born everything has been different. My oldest daughter says no one loves her. Everyone loves her sister more. She says she wishes her sister was never born. She says no one pays attention to her. She is mean to her sister most of the time and it is getting worse not better... What can I do???

Question applies to ages: 3, 7

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avatarElizabeth.Johns
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Top 5 in: Choosing College, Discipline, Families and Relationships, Family Activities, Growth and Development, Health and Wellness, Learning Disabilities and Special Needs, Learning Styles, Parents and Schools, Safety, School Policy and Education Issues, Study Skills and Academics, Summer Learning and Camps, Teens and Jobs, Transitions and Readiness, Motivating StudentsTop 5 in 16 Topics		 The other posters have given you good advice about dealing with your daughter's very natural jealousy of her little sister.

I want to add that often, sibling rivalry doesn't stop, but it doesn't have to tear a family apart. My oldest two boys are two years apart, and the middle two are three years apart. Depending on the day (or depending on the minute), they are either best friends or worst enemies (they are all teenagers now). There are times when they tell me that they wish their other brothers had never been born and that they never want anything to do with them ever again; then other times, I hear them talking to each other late into the night, or playing video games happily for hours.

A 7 year old doesn't have the language or emotional capability of dealing with the strong feelings she is experiencing about her sister. She does love her, but a 3 year old is incredibly annoying and frustrating, too. You can empathize with her (I know you're angry that Susie ripped your favorite book. I would be mad, too) and then give her some options and some words that make her feel better (you're a big girl who knows how to take care of books; you can show your sister how to treat toys and books carefully. In the meantime, why don't we make you a special big-girl bookcase higher up so that we can keep your treasures safe until Susie is old enough to know better).


References:
mom to four kids
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avatarLiz
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Financial Aid for College # of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 This must be difficult for you but it's not at all uncommon to have the first-born resent their siblings. Sometimes sbling envy and rivalry don't stop til adulthood, but there's a lot you can do to try to make sure it doesn't last that long.

Your oldest daughter no longer feels special and resents having to share your time and attention, toys, and activities with your younger daughter. One thing you can try is to have regular, special time with your 7-year-old, that's just 'mommy and me' time. Plan it in advance with her to make it a special time, something she particularly enjoys doing with you, and give her your FULL attention during that time. No cell phone calls or running errands - put your total effort into making that time together warm and affectionate and attentive.

A toddler can be very annoying to an older child, getting into her sister's belongings or getting in the way. Make sure your youngest is not allowed to "play" with her sister's things.

Observe the two girls when the oldest isn't aware you're watching -- how do they interact? Is there something that it seems your oldest actually does enjoy about the younger sister? Pick up clues whenever you can to see if there's something you can include your older daughter in when taking care of your toddler.

Whenever your older daughter does something nice for or with the younger, praise her immediately -- "Nice job helping her out! Thank you so much." or "It means a lot to me when you help get your sister dressed for me."

Empathize with your 7-year-old, telling her that you know it can be frustrating to have a younger sister trailing along all the time and how much you enjoy her being a 'big girl' and not losing her temper (or whatever you can pick out to praise her on).

Bottom line, your oldest girl is doing everything she can to get your attention. It sounds as if what she needs most of all is reassurance that she's loved so take every opportunity you can to show that love through your actions and attention.

Good luck!
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avatarmommytotwo
# of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 I wish I had different advice for you, but I agree with Liz. I have a 4 year old and a 2 month old. My husband and I take turns having special time with my 4 year old in the evenings. We also make sure to praise her for helping with the baby, such as giving the baby her pacifier, or when she brings us diapers. We also remind her of the fun things she gets to do since she is bigger, like staying the night at Grandma's, attending dance classes and having playdates. Finally, we reward. Since she did such a great job helping mommy today with the baby and using her manners, she can stay up late and watch a movie, read a book, etc. I know it hasnt been too long, but so far we havent had any jealousy issues with our 4 year old (very spoiled) child.
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