At this age, watching TV probably ranks higher on your middle schooler’s list of favorite activities than does spending time with you. But don’t be fooled: your young teen still wants to be close to you, although she probably won’t tell you so. Your child still relies on your judgment to help him make sense of the world, but he’s not going to ask you right out for your opinion, especially about awkward or embarrassing subjects. When you parent teenagers, you have to be more creative about communicating your values. Watching TV with your middle schooler and talking about the characters’ actions and choices provide opportunities for teaching character and discussing sensitive issues.
What to talk about. When you watch a program together, observe how people and events in the show compare to your own experiences and how the show’s values compare to your family’s values. But don’t preach. You don’t have to turn every evening in front of the TV into a lecture.
- Friendships and romantic relationships. You might ask, “Is it okay for a friend to lie to cover for another friend?” “How can those two be best friends when she is always insulting him? Do you talk to your friends that way?” “Why did she have sex with him when they’d only just met? Do you think that was a smart thing to do?”
- Stereotypes. TV often relies on invalid stereotypes for cheap laughs: Asians are “smart,” Southerners are “bigoted,” beautiful women are “ditzy,” brainy kids are “nerds.” Point these things out to your child and ask whether those stereotypes are true in his world and whether he thinks they are fair to the people thus stereotyped.
- Parent-child interactions. On many popular TV shows, teens are openly disrespectful of their parents. They find ways to sneak around or outwit their parents, who are often portrayed as fools. Ask your teen, “Why is the dad in this show so clueless?” “I think the way that girl spoke to her mother was very rude. What do you think would happen if you spoke to me that way?” “That dad is always putting down his kids. That makes me uncomfortable. Is that a good way for families to talk to one another?”
- Inappropriate content. If your child wants to watch something that you believe is inappropriate, let him know exactly why you object. Let your child know if you think a show has material that is too sexually overt, is demeaning to women or certain ethnic groups, uses language that you prefer she not hear, glorifies violence, or attacks religion or one of your family’s values.
Let your teen respond to your concerns and take time to listen to what she says. You may discover that your child has valid reasons for liking a show or admiring certain characters. Your discussion may even reveal that your teen was feeling uncomfortable with a show’s content, but she wanted to fit in with her friends by watching it. Even if you ultimately disagree about a program and forbid her from watching it, she may be more accepting of your decision if you let her share her feelings.
Make positive comments, too. Point out positive behavior, such as cooperation, friendship, and concern for others. Try to find something you like about a show, particularly if it is one of your child’s favorites. She may not acknowledge your comments, but they may begin to build a bond between you.
Find other times to bring up things you’ve seen on TV. Some people, kids included, don’t like to talk during a show. A conversation doesn’t have to happen while the program is on. Family meals and car rides are perfect times to start a conversation about something you watched on TV earlier in the week.
Don’t forget about commercials. Remind your child that the purpose of ads is to sell products, and point out the tactics advertisers use to make teens want what they’re selling. Ask: “Will that brand of shoes really make you more popular?” or “Does having a gorgeous woman drinking that brand of coffee make it more worthwhile? What does a beautiful woman have to do with coffee anyway?”
Find TV programs that you and your child can both enjoy. Encourage your child to watch TV programs about a variety of subjects—nature, history, science, news, food, decorating, or game shows—as well as dramas and sitcoms, both current favorites and vintage shows on a retro channel. You might discover a mutual love of history or bond over re-runs of M*A*S*H.