Student Homework Doesn't Need to Cause Stress in Children

"Oh no!" Jake yelled. "I have to get my homework folder right now! I have to do my homework!" It was the first week of second grade, only the second day of school, and I had a full-blown crisis on my hands. When I explained that we might not be able to get back into his classroom, he cried, "We have to! I have to do my homework! My teacher said!"

I had heard stories of parents and children and homework roulette, and I didn't want to start off the year on the wrong foot. Should I let him suffer the consequences and learn a lesson? Should I help him attempt to get his folder so that he could do his homework, and be prepared and unstressed at school the next day?

A Case of Student Homework Roulette and Burnout

We drove to school and were able to retrieve his folder. I informed him, "Jake, your homework folder is your responsibility. If you do not remember it, I will not always drive you back to get it." "I know! I know!" He responded.

The following evening I received a phone call from the parent of a child in Jake's twin sister Tara's class. "Leah forgot her homework folder. Can you tell me what the assignments were?" her father asked. So this is happening in a lot of houses this week, I thought with a smile. Still, I wondered how long we parents would agree to do this.

Later that week, Tara realized that she hadn't brought home her spelling homework sheet. I decided she deserved my help since it was her first time forgetting her homework. The school was already closed, so she arranged to get the worksheet from her friend Jacqueline. We drove over during a torrential rainstorm. I told them I'd make a copy and bring it right back.

"No problem," Jacqueline's mom said. "Don't bother bringing it back in this terrible weather. Tara can give it back to Jacqueline on the bus in the morning."

Great! Unfortunately, my daughter was sick the next morning. Focused on taking care of Tara and getting Jake off to school, I forgot all about Jacqueline's homework stowed neatly away in Tara's backpack. Tara returned the worksheet the following day. Understandably, Jacqueline was rather upset.

The next week, Tara was missing a homework assignment. I gave her a long lecture on responsibility, follow-through, carelessness, and the importance of education and homework. "But mommy," she said. "I didn't forget it. My teacher forgot to put it in our folders."

Although I was new to all this homework stuff, I was proud not to fall for that popular line. The next day I learned that her substitute teacher had forgotten to put in the assignments.

So this is what all those parents were talking about, I thought. Where do we draw the line? Where does my children's responsibility begin, and where does my responsibility as a parent end?

Eventually things settled down, and the second graders got into the routine of bringing home their homework folders and assignments. Then a new homework problem arose. The assignments became more difficult and required more time. After spending a full day working in the classroom, they struggled to feel excited about tackling homework after school.

"Why do I have to do this? I worked all day at school, and now I don't want to do any more of this stuff!" my son told me.

"Me too," added my daughter. "I'm tired and I want to relax first!"

Studying Tips: Develop a Routine

But I found that if they took any big break before tackling their homework, it was even harder to pry them away from what they were doing to focus on their assignments. On soccer or Scout nights, they had to get their homework done right away because it would be too late when they got home. Eventually we got into a routine of having a brief break while we talk and enjoy a snack. After that they complete their homework before they can play.

Doing their assignments at the same time and place each day helps Jake and Tara focus and also helps to avoid power struggles over homework. Each child has a study area in his or her room, free from extra noise and interruptions. Sometimes they prefer to work at the kitchen table where I am around to answer questions. If my children have little or no homework, they read, review or study during this time.

Is it Student Homework, or Parents'?

Developing a routine has helped, but those areas of responsibility can still blur. A friend of mine asked, "Are they supposed to have all the words spelled correctly on these stories they're writing, or should they take it in with errors so the teacher knows how they're doing? If I'm supposed to help correct it, I will, but I don't want to do their homework for them."

It depends, I discovered, after checking with my children's teachers. Some elementary school teachers prefer children to do their work independently, with errors left uncorrected by parents so teachers can assess the child's learning. Other teachers prefer that parents check homework for accuracy and work with their child in correcting and fully understanding any errors.

Finding Balance

Over time, I've grown to understand my role. My job as a parent is not to lecture, label, criticize or demand perfection. Rather, I try to praise good work, careful work habits and a positive attitude. I am available for help, but I don't hover.

It helps to respect each child's preferences. Tara prefers to tackle the hardest work first, leaving the easiest assignments until last. Jake, on the other hand, prefers to do easy tasks first, giving him a feeling of success before tackling something more difficult.

Attitude Counts

Now that my children are in fifth grade, homework crises happen less often. Jake and Tara now take pride in their work. I've learned my lesson too. A positive attitude toward homework and learning really does seem to matter.

 

Marian Gormley, husband Patrick Harkins and their twins are from Falls Church, Virginia.