The days of sending a loving note in your child’s lunchbox are over. Your child is now a middle-schooler.

So how can you connect with a child who swears he is embarrassed to be seen with you? Try these tips:

  • Plan a game night. With young children, psychologists often use games as a distraction to get a child to open up. The same process can be used with older kids as well. Pull out a board game or a deck of cards, and carry on a conversation while you’re together. If your kid is more into video games, have him teach you how to play. He may hesitate at first, but keep asking. It’s a win-win situation; you’ll know what kind of games your child is playing, and he’ll feel good for helping you, all while creating an open dialogue.
  • One word: respect. Inquire, don’t invade. Preteens are testing their limits. Try to give your child respect by allowing them privacy, unless you have reason to believe something is going on. In return, your child will know you trust her, and should respect you as well.
  • Inspire. Bring your child to work someday. Make him realize what you do to keep him clothed and fed. Find out what his interests are; if you have a co-worker that performs that duty, have your son shadow him for a few hours. Talk about a typical day, and have him tell you his. He may just realize that you have more in common than he previously thought.
  • Start young. The earlier you open the lines of communication, the better. Ask your child questions about her day every day, and don’t take “OK” for an answer. Connecting at that level now will pay off during tough times in the future.
  • Encourage your child’s interests. We all know that kids do better when they’re encouraged by their parents to participate in an activity or interest. Did you realize that this is a great opportunity to connect? If you have a bookworm, plan a few hours at the bookstore or library. Have your child tell you why he picked the books he did. Sports nut? Take him to a local game. It doesn’t need to be a professional team; local summer baseball leagues are just as enjoyable for kids as a Tiger game is. Ask him which player he likes or what position he wishes he could play. You’d be surprised where these discussions could lead.
  • Don’t expect to be her friend. Shocking, I know. But in the end it won’t matter how cool your kids think you are. She needs an adult in her life to set limits and high expectations. As children fight for independence during these years, your efforts to be their buddy can backfire, pushing them away and undermining respect. You don’t need to be a drill sergeant, but your role should look more like a coach than just another friend in their life.

Jaime Millard is a former EduGuide Program Coordinator.