Nothing raises a parent's blood-pressure higher than hearing a child is struggling with student-teacher relationships at school. Facing bullies on the playground is tough enough. A painful relationship with a classroom teacher can be even harder, since fear and anger in children can make it difficult for them to learn.
So how can families help smooth out rocky relationships at school? Here are some tips:
1. Listen carefully to your child's understanding of the situation. Ask open-ended questions and listen not only to the facts, but also the feelings, expressed by your child. Ask for specific examples of behavior or words that make him think the teacher is "mean." Often just having someone to listen helps a child put struggles into perspective and is all they need to feel better about things.
2. Brainstorm together ways your child can improve the relationship. It usually takes two to fight. Can you help your child identify the trouble spots in his relationships? Does he talk too much at inappropriate times? Does she somehow make it difficult for the teacher to do her job? Or do their values somehow clash, for example when a messy kid meets a teacher who values neatness and organization?
3. Identify at least one behavior your child could change right away. For example, if a teacher complains about incomplete or messy work, your child could promise to finish all assignments on time for a week.
4. Meet with the teacher and compare perceptions. Start with a smile and a handshake, then find at least one positive thing to say about the teacher or the classroom. Then gently get to the point. Begin with, "This is what my child is feeling about coming to school. He thinks ..." Then ask the teacher what he or she thinks is going on. If you both focus on meeting the needs of the child, you should be able to come up with a plan you can both agree on.
5. Go to the principal, only after all else has failed. If the principal can't reassign your child to another teacher, he or she may be able to help you and the teacher find common ground and a workable solution.
Learning to work through difficult relationships takes time. But it's a life skill your child needs throughout life. Self-esteem and confidence will soar when children can work out these problems on their own, with your support. And their learning will improve when you and the teacher form a truly collaborative approach to meeting your child's needs.
Linda Wacyk is a former EduGuide editor from Grand Ledge, Michigan.