Q: My wife and I are the happy parents of an 8-month-old daughter, Karina. Each of us stays home to raise her by working opposite shifts.
We would like another child by Karina’s second birthday, but a doctor friend recommends we hold off until Karina is 3. In his view, Karina’s inner-directed needs would not be fully met if she has a sibling too soon. At 3, she would be more outer-directed and ready to handle a sibling who gets a lot of attention.
I like to think I have enough love and devotion to satisfy both, or all, of my children. However, I respect my friend’s opinion.
What are your thoughts? Would I be depriving Karina by not waiting?
–D.M., Oakland, Oregon.
A: Your first decision had better be a practical one: Will you be able to manage your shared work lives and nurturing with two children? Raising two children is more difficult than raising one —- and becomes increasingly complicated. If you have to resort to child care, it can become more expensive than you may have expected.
Although I agree with your doctor friend’s analysis of your daughter’s developmental needs, I feel that they can be met in other ways. It’s important at any age to respect your child’s need for an adjustment period to get used to having a sibling. Don’t rush her through this.
A two-year gap between children is a common one, and if you are patient, you will be able to help Karina with the adjustment.
Don’t expect her to feel grateful for a sibling at any age. But you should know that having a second child can be a gift for the older one. It means she will have to learn to share with and nurture the second one. This is important experience for either a toddler or a 3-year-old.
I’m sure you will all be able to make it together.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168.
Brazelton heads the Brazelton Foundation, which encourages and supports education and training programs that implement preventive health-care practices for children and families. For more information, write to: Brazelton Foundation, 4031 University Drive, Suite 200, Fairfax, VA. 22030.
Copyright 2000 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. Distributed by New York Times Special Features