I remember many things about my father. Unfortunately, most of them are negative. I always knew, for example, when my father shaved. Not because his face was smooth, but because there were whiskers all over the sink. He just wouldn't bother to clean up after himself.
I remember things about my parents' relationships, too, like the way my father yelled at my mother, how he embarrassed her in public, and how he failed to apologize after his many angry outbursts. We never knew what to expect from my father. He could be friendly and kind one second and fly into a rage the next. A few minutes later he would be all right again. He always expected the rest of the family to pretend nothing had happened. Is it any wonder we looked forward to the times when he would be away from home?
One of the most important—and tragic--parents' issues related to teaching character that I remember was that he never disciplined the other kids or me. He slapped me once out of anger, but as a rule he left all discipline up to my mother. So I grew up hating my mother and loving my father? No, it doesn't work that way. Children may get mad while you discipline them, but sooner or later they figure out that good discipline and love go hand in hand. If anything, discipline brought my mother and her children closer together, and we remain close today.
Don't I have any good memories of my father? Yes, of course I do. He had a terrific sense of humor, he played baseball with me when I was eleven, and he provided all the material things we needed. We were never close, however, and I lost respect for him many years ago.
Make Your Mark Early
Moms and dads are responsible for their child's development. What you do and say will make a big impression. Be honest; are there some attitudes and behaviors in your life that need to change? Here are some places to start.
- Control your anger. Everyone loses his temper at one time or another. How you handle yourself is the important thing. Is yours a fitting reaction, or a childish temper tantrum?
- Check your attitude. Let your child see you cheerfully helping to clean the house, wash the dishes, or do laundry. Forget the idea that it's "woman's work" to do these things--especially if your child is a boy.
- Treat your child's mother with respect-all the time. Many sons treat their wives the way Dad treated Mom.
- Apologize when you're wrong. Your child should hear you say you're sorry when you have made a mistake.
- Be real. If you profess a spiritual belief, show it every day--not just in front of people you want to impress.
How will your kids remember you, Dad? That's up to you.
And there's no time like the present to start making those memories good ones.
Dennis C. Gerig is the pen name of a retired teacher and dad in Van Nuys, California.