Parents' issues always include discipline. When it comes to discipline, kids don't respond well to bribery. However, parenting experts continue to tell folks to reward their children’s behavior.
What's the Difference Between Bribery and Reinforcement?
Experts talk in terms of “reinforcement,” but what does that mean?
The problem here is not with the parent, but with miscommunication on the part of parenting experts. We need to clarify what is meant by reinforcement and the difference between that and bribery.
Bribery is paying before behavior is delivered. With bribery, parents pay in advance for the “promise” of delivery. However, with payment already in hand, many kids fail to deliver despite parents' discipline.
The child, having already received payment, falls short on delivery while still enjoying the payment. The parent feels deceived or taken advantage of, which in turn leaves parents even more frustrated than when they started.
Rather than buying behavior, reinforcement is based upon paying after delivery. So rather than buying behavior, we are rewarding behavior that has already been delivered. Big difference.
There is a very good reason most companies have policies against pay advances. Even in adult behavior, the likelihood of delivery is less when they are paid in advance. When homeowners negotiate with contractors for home renovations, they negotiate a partial payment to cover some expenses in advance and a “holdback” in order to maintain the motivation of the contractor to finish the job to agreed upon standards.
So the difference between bribery and reinforcement is that with bribery the reward comes before delivery, and with reinforcement the rewards come after delivery. This rule is also known as Grandma’s Rule: “Finish your dinner, then you get dessert.” The trick is for the parent to not back down even in the face of the child’s arguments: dinner first, dessert second.
Reinforcement is a reasonable approach to shaping behavior.
Let’s face it, few adults would continue in their jobs without a paycheck at the end. The paycheck for kids, however, does not have to be money or extravagant gifts. Just as parents appreciate recognition for their contribution at work, kids appreciate recognition for their efforts and contributions at home and school.
In the absence of such recognition-reward-reinforcement, kids, like adults, feel unappreciated, then disconnected and then resentful. The same process that leads to disgruntled employees leads to disruptive kids.
Flip side is, reward given as recognition, attention and appreciation after delivery, goes a long way to improving relationships and increases the likelihood of future delivery … on the same terms.
Hopefully, this clarifies the difference between bribery and reinforcement.
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice in Ontario, Canada.