For most of his life, my cousin Dion has been a witty cutie-pie in school. He charmed elementary school teachers with his large, puppy-dog eyes. He always did enough work to get decent grades.
But Dion is 11 now and spending many school nights at my house. He has shown me how difficult it is to motivate a child who’s going through puberty. Dion is also exhibiting typical adolescent behaviors.
Middle School Learning Can Be Challenging
Fifth-grader Dion always had a smile and a knock-knock joke. Sixth-grade Dion thinks he knows the answer to everything. So far, he has not done well in middle school, and he needs help to improve grades. His teacher said he doesn’t turn in homework even on days I have helped him to do it. That’s baffling.
I recently asked Dion when his book report was due. He didn’t look me in the eye, but shrugged and said, “I dunno.”
“Well, where are the instructions on how to do it?” I asked.
“Uh, uh ...” he answered.
“Who is this kid?” I asked myself. “And how do I get him to be a self-motivated worker before it’s too late?”
Study Skills: Students Need To Develop Good Habits
Teachers repeatedly say that their number one priority for families is to teach good work habits. They even rank it higher than reading with your child every day.
And the middle years are where the rubber meets the road when it comes to self-discipline, as children take on more responsibility, work in groups, participate in multiple classrooms and tackle bigger projects.
Parents can’t expect children in middle school to totally outgrow the carefree attitude of the elementary years. But now is the time to develop a healthy attitude about work that will help them hold good jobs in the future.
Yet before anyone can get them to do all of that, parents have to understand their kids.
Talk, Talk, Talk
“Their bodies are changing so much, they’re developing as a human being and trying to understand their role in the family and community,” said Dorothy Rich, founder and president of MegaSkills Education Center, a family-oriented nonprofit group that operates in 4,000 schools nationwide.
Don’t be surprised if your little darling becomes a back-talking, know-it-all in middle school. At this age, that’s a way children assert their independence, Rich said. The more you talk to them, the more open they will be to your guidance.
“I cannot overestimate the value of talking. Talk with children a lot, a lot, a lot — not nagging — but talk with them,” Rich said.
That openness will come in handy when parents have to pressure children to get to work. Middle school children will also say they don’t want parents to butt into their lives so much. That’s a myth.
“They will say they don’t want parents to butt in, but if you don’t give them attention, they will do something to get your attention,” said Patrick Montesano, vice president and director of the national Middle Start center.
Once parents have opened the lines of communication, the first step to building children’s work ethic is to get them to understand the big picture. When children don’t understand why work is important or relevant, they don’t want to do it. That goes for everything from fractions to chores.
Al Summers, who taught middle school science for 28 years in Ohio before going on staff with the National Middle School Association, shared the following example.
“Once in class we were talking about mixing things and what happens when they dissolve. One girl said she was sure that the experiment wouldn’t work at her house because their water was orange. So I told her to bring in some of her water.”
“She did,” said Summers, and then we talked about how iron in the ground mixes with well water to make it orange.
She learned the concept because she could see how it worked in her own life.
Licking Laziness
After a few weeks with Dion, we’d been through the whole conversation about why his lessons were important. He said he understood, yet he did not work harder.
I decided that he was smart, but lazy. The best weapon to lick laziness is patience; create a good routine and stick with it. The second weapon is to make the consequences clear, Summers said. Punishment should fit the child.
Consequences should fit the crime. Not putting in enough time on homework should mean less time for TV and video games.
Parents should also be careful not to mistake a child’s fear of failure for laziness. As the demands of middle school get more and more complex, children often feel like they’re being pushed out of their comfort zone; that’s part of growth.
The problem gets worse, though, when children find that the skills that got them through elementary school aren’t cutting it now.
In "The Myth of Laziness," Dr. Mel Levine writes about children who suffer from different forms of what he calls “output failure.” They may be smart in other ways, but when it comes to projects that require certain skills that their brain hasn’t learned how to process — like writing or creating new ideas or organizing tasks — their output level gets choked off.
The dread that children come to associate with such tasks often gets confused with laziness. Helping children to understand what part of a process they struggle with is often the first step in turning them around.
They need to be reminded of what they are good at and helped to find new strategies to deal with the areas where they’re weak. Small rewards for small steps of progress can help, too.
“For children who are afraid to fail, punishment may not work; it may make matters worse,” Summers said. “When you reward them for accomplishments, it gives that good feeling that when you do something right, someone will notice. With children who struggle, you need a reward system.”
Oops!
Remember what it was like to be in middle school? All of the mistakes and troubles? Remember how those problems with a late research paper or disastrous science project worked out? Don’t just remember it; tell the kids.
Children may be more likely to accept hard work after hearing adults’ horror stories. It lets them know that they can learn from mistakes – and survive. It may sound simple, but parents also have to make sure they set a good example of what it looks like to be a good worker. Work and don’t grumble.
“Don’t complain about not wanting to work,” Rich said. “Parents themselves have to demonstrate the attitudes and skills they want their children to have.”
Chastity Pratt, the mother of two toddlers, is an education reporter for the Detroit Free Press.