You would do anything to protect your child, but what if you were unable to? Although the vast majority of parents will live to know their children as adults -- and even enjoy their children’s children -- the possibility remains that you may not. That’s why it is vital to name a guardian for your minor children. Finding a family for kids to go to if you die is an important, if uncomfortable, part of adolescent parenting.

“Most people think that the older you get the more important a will is,” says Scott Lavin, a trust and estate and tax attorney with Barton, Barton and Plotkin LLP in New York City. “This is false. As soon as you have children, it is your responsibility to get a will.”

Charlene Clark, the daughter of a probate attorney in New Jersey, agrees. “After having our baby, my husband and I left the hospital and went directly to our lawyer's office to make a will.”

She knew that if she didn’t choose a guardian, the courts would choose for her. 

“Often a court will decide based on volunteers who don’t know the parents or child, and who may not have the same values, qualities or beliefs as you,” Lavin said.

For many, choosing a guardian is a difficult task. It can be very emotional and uncomfortable. Lisa Peters, a mom from Virginia, explained what many parents feel: “There’s no one who could love my child as much as I do, and I really don’t trust anyone else to raise them.”

But Dr. Charles I. Shubin, Director of Children’s Health at Mercy FamilyCare in Baltimore said, “Even if there’s no one perfect for the job, you still have to choose.”

He adds that parents must be mature and responsible enough to overcome their discomfort and do what’s best for their children. “If you care enough about your kids, you’ll be willing to deal with whatever problems may arise.” 

Parents' Issues in Choosing Guardians

To help you decide on a guardian, first make a list of your child’s needs. Does he require special care? Does she have special educational needs? Also write down your desires for your child. Do you want him to grow up in a two-parent family? Do you hope she’ll become an Olympic athlete?

Next, create a list of all the people who you might consider as a guardian. At this point, don’t talk yourself out of any candidates. When you have completed this step, compare your list with the listing of your child’s needs and delete the candidates who can't provide them.

For example, if your child has a physical or emotional disorder that requires consistent medical care, moving him across the country to live with Aunt Maggie may be impossible.

Now consider the remaining candidates. There are a number of factors to take into account as you further narrow your choices:

  • Age. Many people name their parents as guardians for their children, but they fail to acknowledge the age barriers that are present. Can a now sixty-year-old grandmother deal with a teenager when she’s in her mid-seventies? Will an aging grandfather survive until your child reaches the age of majority? Also important to consider are the generational differences between grandparents and their children’s children. On the other side of the coin are the aunts, uncles, and friends who may have barely reached adulthood themselves. Do you believe they would be good parents to your children? Are they mature enough to make the difficult decisions? Are they prepared to have an “instant family” should you die tomorrow?
  • Morals and values. “The most important values kids get come from their parents or primary caregivers,” states Dr. Shubin. Make sure your choice of guardian has a value system similar to your own.
  • Religious affiliation. Consider your faith and what you hope for your child. If you are a devout Catholic, for example, you may not want your child raised by an Orthodox Jew or Wiccan.
  • Personal involvement. A guardian is most often chosen from blood relatives; however, this is not always the case. You should select someone who is personally involved with your child. A sibling who lives miles away and sees your child once a year may not be as good a selection as the friend from playgroup who spends time each week with you and your family.
  • Family and lifestyle. This may be one of the most complex factors in making your decision. There are numerous questions that arise: Does this person have experience with kids? If not, are they prepared to tackle this responsibility? If they have children, are theirs close in age to yours? Will this foster friendship or competition? What is their relationship to their own kids? Do their children like yours? Can they handle additional children--especially those needing extra care? Is the house big enough to accommodate your children?
  • Location. America’s transient society leaves many families scattered about the country. If you and your spouse were to suddenly die tonight, who would take your kids tomorrow? Naming a guardian who lives out of town may cause additional stress to your surviving children. Shelly Divnich Haggert, a mom from Windsor, Canada, wants things to remain as normal as possible for her children in the event that she and her husband die. “Losing parents would be hard enough,” she says. “Having to move away to live with relatives -- far from what was familiar -- would be too much for them.”
  • Financial stability. Most parents do not have the financial means to completely take care of their children until they reach adulthood. Therefore, it is important to consider the financial stability of the person you choose as guardian. If a family you are considering can barely make ends meet as it is, think twice before adding another mouth to feed.
  • Willingness. Possibly the most important factor in deciding on a guardian is not in your control. Your sister may be perfect for the position -- a married woman in love with her husband, with no children of her own -- but she may not want kids. Your parents may wish to send their twilight years traveling the countryside instead of raising another family. Being a guardian is not an honor; it is a huge commitment -- one that not everyone would be willing or able to accept. 

Talk It Over

When you're reviewing your potential candidates, you may be unsure of where a person stands on a particular issue.

Dr. Shubin advises, “When in doubt, ask.”

A casual conversation can let you know your brother-in-law’s stance on education. A hypothetical situation could act as a moral barometer for your friend’s spouse. Or you can take a more direct route and explain that you are considering them as a guardian and would like to know how they feel about a particular subject.

It is vital that you have an open discussion with your potential guardians to determine willingness and discuss the issues relating to your child. Dr. Shubin recommends also discussing the childrearing factors that are important to you.

The decision to accept the role as guardian is not something that can be done immediately, or laughed off with a, “Sure, but you’re not going anywhere for a long time.” Clearly explain that you understand what an important decision it is, and that you want him to take the time to fully consider all aspects of it. Let her know that you will not be offended if she declines the offer.

In addition to a primary guardian, you should select one or two alternatives to serve in the event that your primary selection is unable or unwilling to act as guardian if called upon. These alternative choices should be given the same considerations as your primary choice. 

Making It Legal

When a person you choose to act as guardian accepts the position, it is important that you make the decision known. The most common way of doing this is in the creation of a will. A legal representative can draft a simple but complete will for as little as $300. 

“Guardianship is manifest in a last will and testament 99 percent of the time,” Lavin said.

However, if even a few hundred dollars is too much for your budget, he explains that a notarized written document describing your appointment of a guardian will usually stand in court.

Lavin suggests reevaluating your choice at least every three to five years, or as circumstances require. “You can always change your mind,” he said, “and change your will.”

 

Lisamarie Sanders is a teacher and mother of two.