Divorced parents can be wonderful moms and dads. They can have a good relationship with each other and the parents' relationships can provide positive role models for their children. It takes work. The outcome, as seen in the happy faces of their sons and daughters, is worth the effort.

There are three important factors parents must consider after divorce:

  • Custody
  • Life stresses
  • Conflict

I’m a strong advocate of joint custody. In 1991 I asked for and received dual custody of our daughters. I knew that I’d miss them dearly. I could only imagine how Sheri (7) and Lisa (2) would have felt, with their developing emotions.

Unfortunately, only about 22 percent of divorce cases grant joint custody. Sixty-nine percent of post-divorce living arrangements has the mother with sole custody of the children and divorce often limits the father's contact to four days a month. This is not enough.

Be Involved With Your Children: Behaviors Will Change for the Better

As a public school teacher I knew that when one parent is solely involved in raising the children, there are serious problems. Children are at greater risk for juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, poor academic performance, drug and alcohol abuse, and dropping out of school.

I also knew that when fathers are actively involved with their children, kids tend to be more competent and better adjusted. So I make sure that my daughters are with me three to four days a week, and every Sunday we do a fun activity. We play miniature golf, go bowling, or see the newest Disney movie.

React Positively to Divorce-Related Stress in Children

Divorce is a huge stress for children. And it often results in changes in a child’s living situation. When Dee and I divorced, our daughters were uprooted from a three bedroom house and transplanted to two apartment complexes ten miles away. Lisa was put into a day care facility and Sheri had to switch elementary schools. These changes created a stressful environment for them. They coped in ways that reflected their personalities. Lisa regressed to wetting her bed and acted belligerent toward her sister. Sheri withdrew, becoming clingy and fearful.

Dee and I handled the problem by living within a mile of each other. When the girls were with me they’d speak to their mom often by phone. When Lisa became quarrelsome with her sister, I sat down and played with them. We’d take out a board game, puzzle, or play cards. After playing with them for a time I’d leave the room for a few minutes to watch them play together. If I saw conflict, I’d reappear from the overlooking kitchen with a smile and play with them again.

I also read stories to my daughters and take them on weekend outings. We enjoy hikes in the mountains or roller skating near the beach. Once a year we go on a family vacation. I take them to theme parks, National Parks, or on a trip to a neighboring city. Dee has taken them to Israel and Hawaii. The results? Today our teenage daughters consider each other best friends.

Parents' Relatiohnships Must Set an Example

Experts of divorce recommend that parents ask this question: “What can I do to make it easier for my child?” It’s necessary that you be a moral, civilized example for your children. When angry, keep your mouth closed. Calm down, plan out your objectives, and when ready, state them in a businesslike fashion.

When I heard that Dee was romantically involved with my best friend, I waited for a few days before I acted. I went to his apartment where I was to pick up my girls. They were watching videos with his daughters.

I walked him into the kitchen and said, “I don¹t want to teach our daughters to hate. Whatever there is between us is water under the bridge.” Pointing to the four little girls in the next room I concluded, “Our focus is for them to grow up happy and healthy.” We shook hands and then took the girls ice-skating. Today, he’s married to Dee. Our families share special holidays and events together in harmony.

Teaching Character: Put Your Child's Needs First

Parents who teach their children to hate destroy their offspring and condemn them to go through life with tortured souls and twisted minds, never knowing peace. To avoid this fate, be a good parent by putting the children first over your own differences. Your time with the kids should be fun and not an issue of turf.

Children like to know their parents are at least friends. When Lisa was four she often asked, “Who’s your best friend, Daddy?”

I¹d say, “Joe is my best friend, but Mommy is my friend, too.”

Remember, this is one friend that you slept with, loved, and with whom you made babies. Nurture that relationship for the sake of the kids.