Stress and Suicide

Bullying, Other Fears Cause Stress in Children

Parents may not realize all of the fears that cause stress in children. Bullies, strangers, even Chuck E Cheese can be frightening. Listen and learn how to help them cope. [Read more »]

"Christopher is a very confused child," a dad told me recently.

"He's terrified of Chuck E Cheese, but he's not afraid of playing in the road."

The story reminds me of my childhood. My parents taught me well the dangers of riding with strangers, unlocked doors and playing after dark. None of these things concerned me, though.

What I really feared was Ricky.

Ricky was the neighborhood bully. Hardly a day passed when Ricky didn't threaten to throw a rock, trip a girl or knock us off our bikes. The only thing scarier than meeting Ricky on a walk home was playing dodgeball in the gym.

Call me a coward (my family will probably agree), but in those days, girls had to wear skirts to school. And nothing stings bare legs more than the slap of a rubber ball fired from the hands of boys like Ricky.

My parents knew little about such giant fears as these. They were busy warding off the villains of their day. Things like nuclear fallout. If they did suspect, they probably would have laughed.

Just like we laugh and shake our heads at 3-year-old Christopher's mixed-up fears. We know that Chuck E, though abnormally large and furry, is very unlikely to harm him; but the cars that speed past his house can kill him for sure.

But are we adults any less confused than Christopher is?

We face some scary oversized rodents of our own these days, like violent killers who stalk our children at school. It seems entirely appropriate to us to protect them from the kinds of horrific violence we have witnessed, and we spare no cost in doing so.

From pricey safety consultants to surveillance cameras in the halls, we fight our fears, however unlikely they are to materialize. We do our best to make sure the villains of Littleton and Paducah remain far away from our kids and our schools.

Meanwhile, we ignore the bullies who roam their halls. In our zeal to protect kids from outsiders, schools adopt rigid visitor policies that shut them off from the larger community of caring adults -- sometimes even from their own parents.

And like toddlers in traffic, we parents pursue our own agendas, not always thinking about their impact on our kids. We fill their days with planned competition and call it play. We pump images of violence and despair into our homes and call it entertainment. And here's a big one during holidays -- we over-schedule our lives, leaving no opportunity to listen to our kids.

These are the real dangers our families face. But there are ways to attack them, too. There's help available for your child when she needs to face up to the bullies in her life. And if, by chance, your child is the bully, you can find help that will teach her to resolve conflicts more constructively. As parents, we need to make time to reconnect with our kids. And when we let go of our kids -- and our fears -- it can have some painful, but life-giving, consequences.

So keep a wary eye on the monsters lurking about. If you're a parent, that's your job. Just remember Christopher, and don't ignore the dangers a little closer to home.

Linda Wacyk is Director of Communications at the Michigan Association of School Administrators and a former EduGuide editor.

Bullying, Other Fears Cause Stress in Children

"Christopher is a very confused child," a dad told me recently.

"He's terrified of Chuck E Cheese, but he's not afraid of playing in the road."

The story reminds me of my childhood. My parents taught me well the dangers of riding with strangers, unlocked doors and playing after dark. None of these things concerned me, though.

What I really feared was Ricky.

Ricky was the neighborhood bully. Hardly a day passed when Ricky didn't threaten to throw a rock, trip a girl or knock us off our bikes. The only thing scarier than meeting Ricky on a walk home was playing dodgeball in the gym.

Call me a coward (my family will probably agree), but in those days, girls had to wear skirts to school. And nothing stings bare legs more than the slap of a rubber ball fired from the hands of boys like Ricky.

My parents knew little about such giant fears as these. They were busy warding off the villains of their day. Things like nuclear fallout. If they did suspect, they probably would have laughed.

Just like we laugh and shake our heads at 3-year-old Christopher's mixed-up fears. We know that Chuck E, though abnormally large and furry, is very unlikely to harm him; but the cars that speed past his house can kill him for sure.

But are we adults any less confused than Christopher is?

We face some scary oversized rodents of our own these days, like violent killers who stalk our children at school. It seems entirely appropriate to us to protect them from the kinds of horrific violence we have witnessed, and we spare no cost in doing so.

From pricey safety consultants to surveillance cameras in the halls, we fight our fears, however unlikely they are to materialize. We do our best to make sure the villains of Littleton and Paducah remain far away from our kids and our schools.

Meanwhile, we ignore the bullies who roam their halls. In our zeal to protect kids from outsiders, schools adopt rigid visitor policies that shut them off from the larger community of caring adults -- sometimes even from their own parents.

And like toddlers in traffic, we parents pursue our own agendas, not always thinking about their impact on our kids. We fill their days with planned competition and call it play. We pump images of violence and despair into our homes and call it entertainment. And here's a big one during holidays -- we over-schedule our lives, leaving no opportunity to listen to our kids.

These are the real dangers our families face. But there are ways to attack them, too. There's help available for your child when she needs to face up to the bullies in her life. And if, by chance, your child is the bully, you can find help that will teach her to resolve conflicts more constructively. As parents, we need to make time to reconnect with our kids. And when we let go of our kids -- and our fears -- it can have some painful, but life-giving, consequences.

So keep a wary eye on the monsters lurking about. If you're a parent, that's your job. Just remember Christopher, and don't ignore the dangers a little closer to home.

Linda Wacyk is Director of Communications at the Michigan Association of School Administrators and a former EduGuide editor.

Stress in Children: The Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina

Disasters like Hurricane Katrina, which struck Louisiana in August 2005, are hard for children to understand. Learn ways parents can help decrease stress in children in the face of tragedy. [Read more »]

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, children behaviors included hiding under the covers. When tragedies such as Katrina strike, children, like many of us adults, have no way to understand the unimaginable. It is normal to be frightened of life-threatening events.

Also like adults, children do best with certainty, predictability and stability in their lives. Tragedy, however, turns those elements upside down, and chaos often reigns. A consequence of chaos is powerlessness – that sickening sense that you are unable to effect any change in circumstances whatsoever for the better. After powerlessness comes either anger in children or depression and sometimes both, then despair.

Children, particularly young children, gain their sense of safety and security first from their parents and secondly from other adults. They look to our reactions to help them interpret their own, and then they will look to be comforted by us.

The challenge for parents and adults in view of the need to lessen stress in children is to manage our negative reactions so they do not spill over on the children. This is not to say that parents or other adults should hide their reactions, but only share them in such a way as to show children that their fears are reasonable, but we will do our best to protect you from harm.

This legitimizes their experience, yet provides a positive future orientation that all will be well in time – with patience.

To help children cope in traumatic times, consider the following:

As best as possible, try to limit re-traumatization. Shelter children from ongoing horrific images that only contribute to fear, turmoil and upset. Limit exposure to graphic news stories, and hold adult conversations out of earshot of the children.
Find a way to provide structure. Two elements of structure are routine and activity. The activity may relate to the routine, such as preparing food for mealtime. Routines and activities help regain a sense of control when all else feels out of control.
Listen to their fears and acknowledge them, but remain reassuring. Children experience the same feelings as adults, so it is important and reasonable to validate their feelings, all the while keeping a positive future orientation.
Do good deeds, however small, by helping others. In addition to being an activity, doing good deeds helps overcome the sense of powerlessness and cascade of negative emotions. It empowers children and adults alike and is a potent antidote to powerlessness.
Lastly, hold your children tight and continue to give hugs and kisses. As reassuring as it is for the kids, it works for us parents, too. As we comfort and take care of our children, we take care of our worst fears and ourselves. We need to know our children are safe and free from harm.

As we concentrate on the needs of our children, we refocus in the aftermath of tragedy and find purpose and meaning for our existence.

Concentrating on the needs of our children organizes our activity, thus providing structure. The good deeds we do in participation with our children help us while helping others. This in turn protects us from fear and leads to hope … and hope is the key ingredient to overcome the most horrible tragedy while helping our children.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice in Ontario, Canada.

Stress in Children: The Aftermath of Hurricane Katrina

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, children behaviors included hiding under the covers. When tragedies such as Katrina strike, children, like many of us adults, have no way to understand the unimaginable. It is normal to be frightened of life-threatening events.

Also like adults, children do best with certainty, predictability and stability in their lives. Tragedy, however, turns those elements upside down, and chaos often reigns. A consequence of chaos is powerlessness – that sickening sense that you are unable to effect any change in circumstances whatsoever for the better. After powerlessness comes either anger in children or depression and sometimes both, then despair.

Children, particularly young children, gain their sense of safety and security first from their parents and secondly from other adults. They look to our reactions to help them interpret their own, and then they will look to be comforted by us.

The challenge for parents and adults in view of the need to lessen stress in children is to manage our negative reactions so they do not spill over on the children. This is not to say that parents or other adults should hide their reactions, but only share them in such a way as to show children that their fears are reasonable, but we will do our best to protect you from harm.

This legitimizes their experience, yet provides a positive future orientation that all will be well in time – with patience.

To help children cope in traumatic times, consider the following:

As best as possible, try to limit re-traumatization. Shelter children from ongoing horrific images that only contribute to fear, turmoil and upset. Limit exposure to graphic news stories, and hold adult conversations out of earshot of the children.
Find a way to provide structure. Two elements of structure are routine and activity. The activity may relate to the routine, such as preparing food for mealtime. Routines and activities help regain a sense of control when all else feels out of control.
Listen to their fears and acknowledge them, but remain reassuring. Children experience the same feelings as adults, so it is important and reasonable to validate their feelings, all the while keeping a positive future orientation.
Do good deeds, however small, by helping others. In addition to being an activity, doing good deeds helps overcome the sense of powerlessness and cascade of negative emotions. It empowers children and adults alike and is a potent antidote to powerlessness.
Lastly, hold your children tight and continue to give hugs and kisses. As reassuring as it is for the kids, it works for us parents, too. As we comfort and take care of our children, we take care of our worst fears and ourselves. We need to know our children are safe and free from harm.

As we concentrate on the needs of our children, we refocus in the aftermath of tragedy and find purpose and meaning for our existence.

Concentrating on the needs of our children organizes our activity, thus providing structure. The good deeds we do in participation with our children help us while helping others. This in turn protects us from fear and leads to hope … and hope is the key ingredient to overcome the most horrible tragedy while helping our children.

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice in Ontario, Canada.

Let Nature Sooth Stress in Children

It's an age-old tactic: Turn to nature to relieve stress in children and to create fun family activities. Everyone needs nature and child development research shows nature offers kids better focus and self-discipline. [Read more »]

It took about 10 minutes of walking in the woods full of fallen trees, fresh snow and a half-frozen stream before I heard it: My two sons giggling.

We had stumbled into the whole idea of walking in the woods. It was a typical holiday weekend. We had no plans other than to maybe stay in our jammies all day, eat leftovers and celebrate the fact that no one had to work or go to school. It would be a day of family home activities free from stress in children and adults.

The Woods Stave Off Tantrums in Children

The kids looked like they were getting along. They had all the action figures out and were storming the toy castle. Their characters were fighting, sure, but they were playing together. Pretty normal as far as child social development and sibling interaction went.

So why leave this nice scene and a warm house? Because, I argued as I wrestled my boys into coats, I could tell they were simmering under the surface, tense and anxious. I knew this because the 7-year-old was bossing the 5-year-old, and the 5-year-old was protesting. I had seen this before, and I knew the tension would only get worse.

We needed exercise, but more than that, we needed the woods.

Nature Supplies Endless Fun, Family Activities

Five minutes later, the boys were tearing down the path of a local park. Suddenly, the bossing and protesting was a distant memory. With traffic noise fading in the distance and trees towering overhead, my little city kids became explorers. They started looking around. They jumped on the exercise equipment next to the trail. They stomped through an icy puddle, and then paused to examine it. How far would the crack go? They tried breaking more ice with their boots.

Then they asked each other what would happen if they threw stones onto the frozen stream. Would the ice break? Try it, I told them. They did, but the ice held. The stones skidded, making wonderful eeeeking sounds. And that’s when it happened: My boys giggled.

They had discovered the wonders of the woods.

Child Development Research Says Nature Benefits At-Risk Teens, Kids

We are by no means the first to feel the relaxing effects of nature. Poets for centuries have talked about returning to the woods, taking the road less traveled, so to speak. And scientists also say that nature can help kids. One 2002 study found that at-risk, inner-city girls who see nature through the windows of their homes have a better chance for success than those girls whose views are not as green.

The children described in this study were at risk of doing poorly in school, getting in trouble and more. The study’s authors said that contact with nature helped encourage in these girls better focus and even self-discipline.

Short Walk Contributes to Child Social Development

Our half-hour walk in the woods made a big difference in our day. We were a happy family as we finished the trail. We were calm and we were cold. It was time to go back home. Of course, I knew that this peace might not last all day. But I also knew if we found peace once, we knew where to go to find it again: to the woods.

Amy Hansen is the mother of two sons and a feelance writer in Greenbelt, Maryland.