ShortCuts in This Guide

• How to Respect (and Love) a Disrespectful Teen

  Want more respect from your teen? Show respect: to your teen, your spouse, your community, and to yourself. You can’t force someone to respect you, but you do have the right to be treated with respect if you model respect. Modeling respect is not hard, just keep in mind the following tips:

  • Be honest. If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize. 
  • Obey the law and follow the rules. Some rules are dumb and many are inconvenient. You don’t have to follow the rule—unless you want your teen to.
  • Observe poor role models. When you see examples of disrespect, point them out and discuss them. Ask your teen how he or she would have handled the situation.
  • Walk the talk. If you have to tell a joke about someone’s religion, culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, or politics, tell it on yourself.  That way, you know you’ll only be offending one person.
  • Be positive. When you see your teen showing respect—to you, another family member, friends, or a stranger—praise him or her.
  • Be gentle. Teenagers are highly sensitive to criticism. Don’t embarrass, insult, or make fun of your child—especially in front of other people.
  • Be fair. Listen carefully to your child’s side of the story. There may be a good reason why your kid behaved that way.
  • Loosen the reins.Start adding a few new rights and responsibilities for your teen shortly before you feel ready to; he or she has probably been ready for some time. If your child doesn’t handle the new freedom well, let him or her face the consequences.
  • Learn to compromise. Go clothes shopping together so you can see what styles your teen likes. Let your teen know from the beginning what clothes are appropriate without insulting his or her taste, and find opportunities to compromise.

  Still not sure you are modeling respect for your teen as well as you might? Take our quick quiz, "How Respectful Am I?" and find out.

   

   

  Sources

  Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, F. Cline and J. Fay;

  Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson ,director of the Univ. of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium

• How to Respect (and Love) a Disrespectful Teen

  Want more respect from your teen? Show respect: to your teen, your spouse, your community, and to yourself. You can’t force someone to respect you, but you do have the right to be treated with respect if you model respect. Modeling respect is not hard, just keep in mind the following tips:

  • Be honest. If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize. 
  • Obey the law and follow the rules. Some rules are dumb and many are inconvenient. You don’t have to follow the rule—unless you want your teen to.
  • Observe poor role models. When you see examples of disrespect, point them out and discuss them. Ask your teen how he or she would have handled the situation.
  • Walk the talk. If you have to tell a joke about someone’s religion, culture, age, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, or politics, tell it on yourself.  That way, you know you’ll only be offending one person.
  • Be positive. When you see your teen showing respect—to you, another family member, friends, or a stranger—praise him or her.
  • Be gentle. Teenagers are highly sensitive to criticism. Don’t embarrass, insult, or make fun of your child—especially in front of other people.
  • Be fair. Listen carefully to your child’s side of the story. There may be a good reason why your kid behaved that way.
  • Loosen the reins.Start adding a few new rights and responsibilities for your teen shortly before you feel ready to; he or she has probably been ready for some time. If your child doesn’t handle the new freedom well, let him or her face the consequences.
  • Learn to compromise. Go clothes shopping together so you can see what styles your teen likes. Let your teen know from the beginning what clothes are appropriate without insulting his or her taste, and find opportunities to compromise.

  Still not sure you are modeling respect for your teen as well as you might? Take our quick quiz, "How Respectful Am I?" and find out.

   

   

  Sources

  Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, F. Cline and J. Fay;

  Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson ,director of the Univ. of Minnesota's Children, Youth and Family Consortium

• How to "Fight Fair" with Your Teen

  Your teenage daughter has just called you a "lazy slob" in front of her friends. Your teenage son walks out of the room every time you try to have a conversation about his drinking. You’re so mad you could scream. Welcome to the world of adolescent parenting.

  Getting angry is perfectly normal, but it won’t get you what you want. Even if your teenager's behavior causes you to lose your temper—and it probably will—you can still control the situation. Here’s how:

  Buy Yourself Some Time
  

  Engage in some activities to relieve parent stress. Take a deep breath. Walk away if you have to until you can speak and act calmly. Despite how they may act, teens don’t like being unable to get parents' attention, positive or negative.

  Restate the Ground Rules
  

  Calmly and without shame, remind your child of the family rules for respectful interaction. For tips on how to create a Family Respect Agreement, see EduGuide ShortCut: "How to Hold a Family Summit on Respect."

  Give a Rerun
  

  Ask your teen if he or she would like a rerun—a chance to start over again as though the unacceptable behavior never happened. A rerun gives your child a second chance to act the way he or she should. As a parent, you are entitled to a rerun (or two) yourself.

  Listen—and Watch What Happens 
  

  More than anything, a teen wants his or her voice to be heard. Some kids find a face-to-face confrontation uncomfortable—so, if you have a teen like that, suggest taking a walk or doing an active chore together.Then wait. Don’t interrupt and don’t set the discussion topic. You may be amazed at how much your teen will say if you keep quiet.

  Know Your Own Strength
  

  Don’t ignore the behavior (it will get worse), but don’t give your teen an order or insist on a punishment that you can’t physically enforce. Nothing kills respect faster than an empty threat. Nothing, except failing to...

  Respect Yourself to Gain Your Teen's Respect
  

  You can’t expect your kid to respect you if you let others treat you disrespectfully.
  "As teenagers move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a parent, you have a responsibility to help your teenager practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude."

  --Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson

   

   

  Sources

  Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

  Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the Univ. of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium

• How to "Fight Fair" with Your Teen

  Your teenage daughter has just called you a "lazy slob" in front of her friends. Your teenage son walks out of the room every time you try to have a conversation about his drinking. You’re so mad you could scream. Welcome to the world of adolescent parenting.

  Getting angry is perfectly normal, but it won’t get you what you want. Even if your teenager's behavior causes you to lose your temper—and it probably will—you can still control the situation. Here’s how:

  Buy Yourself Some Time
  

  Engage in some activities to relieve parent stress. Take a deep breath. Walk away if you have to until you can speak and act calmly. Despite how they may act, teens don’t like being unable to get parents' attention, positive or negative.

  Restate the Ground Rules
  

  Calmly and without shame, remind your child of the family rules for respectful interaction. For tips on how to create a Family Respect Agreement, see EduGuide ShortCut: "How to Hold a Family Summit on Respect."

  Give a Rerun
  

  Ask your teen if he or she would like a rerun—a chance to start over again as though the unacceptable behavior never happened. A rerun gives your child a second chance to act the way he or she should. As a parent, you are entitled to a rerun (or two) yourself.

  Listen—and Watch What Happens 
  

  More than anything, a teen wants his or her voice to be heard. Some kids find a face-to-face confrontation uncomfortable—so, if you have a teen like that, suggest taking a walk or doing an active chore together.Then wait. Don’t interrupt and don’t set the discussion topic. You may be amazed at how much your teen will say if you keep quiet.

  Know Your Own Strength
  

  Don’t ignore the behavior (it will get worse), but don’t give your teen an order or insist on a punishment that you can’t physically enforce. Nothing kills respect faster than an empty threat. Nothing, except failing to...

  Respect Yourself to Gain Your Teen's Respect
  

  You can’t expect your kid to respect you if you let others treat you disrespectfully.
  "As teenagers move toward greater independence and responsibility, discussing and negotiating helps them develop important reasoning, communication, and interpersonal skills. As a parent, you have a responsibility to help your teenager practice these skills within boundaries of respect and gratitude."

  --Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson

   

   

  Sources

  Foster Cline and Jim Fay, Parenting Teens with Love and Logic

  Dr. Martha Farrell Erickson, director of the Univ. of Minnesota Children, Youth and Family Consortium

• Hold a Family Summit on Respect

   Things to Do ahead of Time

  1.     Pick a date. Write it on a calendar that everyone in the family can see. Explain briefly that that meeting is about respect and teaching character, and make sure everyone knows the meeting is mandatory.

  2.     Make copies of the Respect Inventory for each family member. Do this one week before the meeting, and ask everyone to have it finished in time for the meeting.

  3.     Tell family members to keep a Respect Log for the week. Ask them to keep notes on the times they felt disrespected, saw disrespect, or acted disrespectfully.

  4.     Pick a location for the meeting that is comfortable and quiet. Turn off the TV, the computer, and the cell phones. Choose a setting where a can express his feelings.

  5.     Make the meeting fun. Order a pizza or make ice cream sundaes to get everyone in a relaxed mood. The topic is serious, but the meeting doesn’t have to be.
  
  

  How to Conduct the Summit

  6.     Start the meeting by reading examples from the Respect Logs. After all family members have had a chance to share, ask each person what makes him or her feel respected and what makes him or her feel disrespected

  7.     Read each question on the Respect Inventory. Celebrate the areas in which all family members agree and discuss areas of disagreement, but set a time limit (for example, five minutes of discussion for every point of disagreement). If someone comes up with other categories (choice of friends, books, music, etc.), write them down and discuss them. Welcome discussion, but make sure your kids understand that as parents, you have the final say. Work hard to find compromises.

  8.     Create a list of consequences for disrespectful behavior. For example, first offense: apology accepted; second offense: sit down and discuss; third offense: privileges  withheld (cell phone, TV, computer, friends, etc.) for a specified length of time.

  9.     Write up your Family Respect Agreement. Use the Respect Inventory and list of consequences.

  10.  End the meeting on a positive note. Talk about what everyone has learned from the meeting and what strategies you will use next time.
  

  After the Summit

  11.  Post the final list where everyone can see it. And don’t be afraid to modify the list if necessary.

• Hold a Family Summit on Respect

   Things to Do ahead of Time

  1.     Pick a date. Write it on a calendar that everyone in the family can see. Explain briefly that that meeting is about respect and teaching character, and make sure everyone knows the meeting is mandatory.

  2.     Make copies of the Respect Inventory for each family member. Do this one week before the meeting, and ask everyone to have it finished in time for the meeting.

  3.     Tell family members to keep a Respect Log for the week. Ask them to keep notes on the times they felt disrespected, saw disrespect, or acted disrespectfully.

  4.     Pick a location for the meeting that is comfortable and quiet. Turn off the TV, the computer, and the cell phones. Choose a setting where a can express his feelings.

  5.     Make the meeting fun. Order a pizza or make ice cream sundaes to get everyone in a relaxed mood. The topic is serious, but the meeting doesn’t have to be.
  
  

  How to Conduct the Summit

  6.     Start the meeting by reading examples from the Respect Logs. After all family members have had a chance to share, ask each person what makes him or her feel respected and what makes him or her feel disrespected

  7.     Read each question on the Respect Inventory. Celebrate the areas in which all family members agree and discuss areas of disagreement, but set a time limit (for example, five minutes of discussion for every point of disagreement). If someone comes up with other categories (choice of friends, books, music, etc.), write them down and discuss them. Welcome discussion, but make sure your kids understand that as parents, you have the final say. Work hard to find compromises.

  8.     Create a list of consequences for disrespectful behavior. For example, first offense: apology accepted; second offense: sit down and discuss; third offense: privileges  withheld (cell phone, TV, computer, friends, etc.) for a specified length of time.

  9.     Write up your Family Respect Agreement. Use the Respect Inventory and list of consequences.

  10.  End the meeting on a positive note. Talk about what everyone has learned from the meeting and what strategies you will use next time.
  

  After the Summit

  11.  Post the final list where everyone can see it. And don’t be afraid to modify the list if necessary.

• Make a Respect Inventory

  Back in my day…
  Adolescent behaviors that would have gotten you grounded in your grandparents’ day are now considered healthy self-expression. As parents, you have the right to set the ground rules for respectful behavior in your home. It helps to do this before your teen starts testing you. One useful adolescent parenting tool is a Respect Inventory. Knowing where you stand helps you (and all the adult caregivers in your home) react consistently and also creates a framework for teaching character by establishing guidelines for your teenager's behavior.

                                                         Acceptable?                                        
  

  	Always	Sometimes	Never
  Profanity
  Physical force
  Body language (rolling eyes, heavy sighs, etc.)
  Whining
  Yelling
  Interrupting
  Walking out/leaving a discussion
  Locking bedroom door when angry
  Refusing to join in family activities (vacations, family time, holiday activities)
  Refusing to participate in religious education/activities
  Breaking established dress code (clothes/makeup/hair)

  Tip: While you are filling out your Respect Inventory, ask the rest of your family members to fill one out, too. It might surprise you to discover which of your behaviors feel disrespectful to your teen. Talk over the inventory and find a compromise position, if possible, for each of the eleven points.
  

• Make a Respect Inventory

  Back in my day…
  Adolescent behaviors that would have gotten you grounded in your grandparents’ day are now considered healthy self-expression. As parents, you have the right to set the ground rules for respectful behavior in your home. It helps to do this before your teen starts testing you. One useful adolescent parenting tool is a Respect Inventory. Knowing where you stand helps you (and all the adult caregivers in your home) react consistently and also creates a framework for teaching character by establishing guidelines for your teenager's behavior.

                                                         Acceptable?                                        
  

  	Always	Sometimes	Never
  Profanity
  Physical force
  Body language (rolling eyes, heavy sighs, etc.)
  Whining
  Yelling
  Interrupting
  Walking out/leaving a discussion
  Locking bedroom door when angry
  Refusing to join in family activities (vacations, family time, holiday activities)
  Refusing to participate in religious education/activities
  Breaking established dress code (clothes/makeup/hair)

  Tip: While you are filling out your Respect Inventory, ask the rest of your family members to fill one out, too. It might surprise you to discover which of your behaviors feel disrespectful to your teen. Talk over the inventory and find a compromise position, if possible, for each of the eleven points.
  

• How to Respectfully Disagree in a Disrespectful World
  Following are some suggestions to consider when you and your child disagree. Remember: disagreements are unavoidable. It’s how you disagree that matters.

  • Listen carefully to your child without interrupting. Repeat the main points in your own words, and then ask whether you heard correctly. Clear up misunderstandings on the spot.
  • Show that you are interested in what your child is saying and sympathetic to his or her feelings by using such sentences as Would you tell me more about…, Can you give me an example of…, and I can understand why you would feel that way.
  • Use specific I statements rather than general you statements. For example, you might say I feel as though the family is incomplete when you don’t join us on visits to grandma instead of You never visit grandma with us.
  • Support your feelings and opinions with facts. You might tell your teenager that he or she is not allowed to talk on a cell phone while driving because cell phones distract drivers and cause accidents. That’s a fact.
  • Stick to the present. Concentrate on the issue at hand.
  • Aim to understand and communicate rather than win. Frequently, you and your child will simply have to agree to disagree. You may not end the disagreement in smiles, but both of you should feel understood and respected.
  • Compromise whenever possible, but recognize that a compromise may not please either you or your child completely.
  • Don’t be discouraged! Respectful disagreement takes practice, and if your family is like every other, you’re sure to get plenty of opportunities for that.

• How to Respectfully Disagree in a Disrespectful World

  Following are some suggestions to consider when you and your child disagree. Remember: disagreements are unavoidable. It’s how you disagree that matters.

  • Listen carefully to your child without interrupting. Repeat the main points in your own words, and then ask whether you heard correctly. Clear up misunderstandings on the spot.
  • Show that you are interested in what your child is saying and sympathetic to his or her feelings by using such sentences as Would you tell me more about…, Can you give me an example of…, and I can understand why you would feel that way.
  • Use specific I statements rather than general you statements. For example, you might say I feel as though the family is incomplete when you don’t join us on visits to grandma instead of You never visit grandma with us.
  • Support your feelings and opinions with facts. You might tell your teenager that he or she is not allowed to talk on a cell phone while driving because cell phones distract drivers and cause accidents. That’s a fact.
  • Stick to the present. Concentrate on the issue at hand.
  • Aim to understand and communicate rather than win. Frequently, you and your child will simply have to agree to disagree. You may not end the disagreement in smiles, but both of you should feel understood and respected.
  • Compromise whenever possible, but recognize that a compromise may not please either you or your child completely.
  • Don’t be discouraged! Respectful disagreement takes practice, and if your family is like every other, you’re sure to get plenty of opportunities for that.