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how to appropriately discipline a 14 year old adolescent girl for having sex and sneaking out at night?

I do not know how to discipline my 14 year old girl that I found out from my oldest 22 year daughter that she saw my 14 year old daughter letting a boy inside her room twice having sex. Just yesterday, my 22 year daughter again found out that she sneaked out at 2:00 a.m. and came back around 3:00 a.m. which my older daughter saw her when she came back. I'm fearful to tell my husband because of the consequences that he might do to her because of this. I am so heartbroken and I do not know what to do next.

Question applies to ages: 14

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avatarLizInHolt
# of Thumbs Up Received (77)		 How very tough this must be for you. I agree that you must quickly sit down and talk to your daughter about her actions, and try to stay calm through it. She's done really wrong things, but fighting and lecturing her isn't going to help. Try to find out why she's doing what she clearly must know is wrong, or else she wouldn't be sneaky about it. Make it clear that you love her totally, but totally don't approve of her behavior, and that you both need to discuss this openly.

My guess is that your daughter is struggling with self-esteem issues and confused about sex. Is there an adult that she is close to and respects that might also talk to her? Teens often don't want to take advice from their own parents but will listen to another adult sometimes.

I also think your daughter might benefit from counseling. Fourteen is so young to be sexually active and she may be struggling with issues that only an experienced therapist can help with.

I'm sorry you feel you can't involve your husband in this and are struggling by yourself, which must make it so much harder for you. Very best of luck in dealing with this difficult situation.
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avatarBridgette
# of Thumbs Up Received (41)		 First, Priscilla, I'm so sorry. It's got to be frightening and I can hear the heartbreak from you. I know I'd feel frightened and heart-broken too.

Is there a time when you can sit down with your daughter privately and talk to her about this? Tell her what you know and share your fears with her about her having sex at this age, sneaking out, and letting boys in. Talk to her about the dangers of this--of being out in the early hours of the morning, of having sex at her age. Explain to her that you feel she has violated your trust.

Tell her the behavior has to stop because you can't let her endanger herself and that if she were to contract a venereal disease or become pregnant, it would change her life forever.

You could also tell her that she is going to have to re-earn your trust. Tell her that since your trust was violated, you're going to have to monitor more than you did before and that the monitoring is going to continue until she can prove herself trustworthy again.

Is there a way that you can more closely monitor her? Secure her room so that she can't sneak out (but not cut off a fire exit)? Can you put an alarm on her door or window?

I don't know what to say about your husband. It certainly would be better if the two of you could work together on this one--especially since two of you could be more attentive than one. Yet, I do understand being concerned about tempers and rash actions. Perhaps there is a time you could talk to him about it where he would have a chance to cool down before taking action? Perhaps the two of you could get the help of a friend or a professional counselor?

Also, do you know who the boy is? Could you talk to his parents and get their help with an intervention?

Good luck--I wish I had better advice for you. I hope others will pipe up as well with what they might do. You have my best wishes.

References:
Mom to a child still in his tweens.
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