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What do I do if my 7 yo's teacher is focusing on her in a negative way?

My daughter has issues with a couple of the kids in her class. I have discovered that there are clicks, even in first grade. The leader of one such group will only play with her if her other friends aren't there. When her friends are there she picks on my daughter. When my daughter retaliates she gets in trouble. My daughter does get punished at home for defending herself physicaly in these situations. My problem is that the teacher doesn't seem to notice that these instances only occur when my daughter is getting picked on. The other child, according to the teacher, is "a good girl". I have a meeting with the school on Tuesday, what do I do?

Question applies to ages: 7

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avatarBridgette
# of Thumbs Up Received (41)		 Isn't it frustrating? I do feel your pain as I've been there with my son and seen it happen to other girls.

If the comment about the other child being a "good girl" is repeated, I would probably want to respond with "as is my daughter."

You are your daughter's best advocate--especially when she has a teacher who has labeled and pre-judged her. It's good that you have a meeting planned. I'd suggest going in prepared to describe your daughter's strengths and to present your daughter's side of the story.

One way to start the conversation might be to say something along the lines of, "My daughter has had a lot of struggles this year trying to figure out appropriate ways to respond to verbal bullying. Given the challenges in dealing with the situation, I fear you've been unable to see the wonderful side of my daughter that I see every day. I would like to tell you about the girl that I know." Then launch into a positive description of your daughter and the things that you think the teacher might be overlooking.

Explain to the teacher that you would like to work with her/him on teaching your daughter appropriate responses to verbal bullying. Be firm in your description of the other children's behavior as being toxic to your daughter and her ability to learn.

Agree with the teacher that the physical response is inappropriate and that the two of you need to help the 7-year-old find other ways to respond. I'd also ask the teacher to intervene with the other children and explain to them that volume alone does not make things right or wrong. Whispering hurtful words so that the adult doesn't catch them and that only the victim hears them is as bad as shouting them out loud.

You may even be able to point out that while you do not want your daughter to respond with violence, you do appreciate that she isn't being sneaky or trying to hide her anger and emotions--that what she is doing is a far healthier response than learning to put on a sweet face for adults while being cruel when they look away.

I'd also recommend taking in a written list of incidents and things that have been said to your daughter. This can serve the dual purpose of pointing out that your daughter is being bullied and giving the two of you opportunities to suggest solutions to your daughter to those specific incidents. It also gives your daughter a voice through you--her best advocate.

Good luck--and persevere. It can be a long struggle, but your daughter will greatly benefit from knowing that you're there for her.

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avatarBarb.Rickard
# of Thumbs Up Received (4)		 Unfortunately, you are correct about the cliques being present in first grade. It's sad that this type of bullying is being seen in younger grades. I'm glad you have scheduled a meeting. I'm wondering who is included in that meeting. I assume the teacher will be there, but also ask the principal of the school to attend. In addition, does your school have recess assistants who might see some of the things these other girls are doing on the playground? Maybe ask one or two of the assistants to be at the meeting. It's very common for kids to behave like "good" girls around the teacher, but their true colors come out on the playground.

This type of bullying is very common among girls, especially as the girls get closer to adolescence and middle school. It's ok to be nice to someone when no one else is around, but it's not "cool" to hang around that person once everyone else joins the group. It's very hurtful to your daughter to have her "friends" treat her that way.

I would also encourage your daughter to play with other girls who don't treat her negatively. If someone makes her feel unhappy about herself, then it's ok to seek other friendships. If the other girls ask her why she doesn't want to play with them, she can honestly say it's because they aren't nice to her. In your meeting, you can let the teacher know that you and your daughter have come up with a plan if the other girls aren't being nice. You should let the teacher know that your daughter is working to foster other friendships, and she doesn't have to play with the other girls if they are mean to her. Just knowing that you are on her side is a step in the right direction.

Good luck! I've been there many times and it's not easy. Keep doing what you think is right and your daughter will find some girls who treat her the way she should be treated.
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