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avatarLinda
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I think my son is a bully, what can i do to alter his behavior?

He throws things at his teacher and other students. Refuses to do anything he is asked, "i dont want to" or "i cant" and will only complete a task when HE wants to. He puts other students into timeout, yells at them, and grabs things out of their hands. He makes them cry.

Question applies to ages: 3

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avatarcathy
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Bullying and Violence # of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 Hi, Linda!
What a great (and really important) question you're asking.

I really liked Jenny's answer and the link she gave you. Have you checked it out?

I also think it's very brave of you to deal head-on with this problem your son may have. When I thought my daughter was bullying some other girls, it was a huge disappointment to me and I felt I had failed. Over time, I found out I hadn't, and I bet you'll find that out, too!

Meantime, here are some observations and questions, for whatever they're worth to you.

How old is he and what grade is he in?
How structured is the school and the classroom?
What's the teacher (or teachers) doing to help you and him discuss it and resolve it?
What is his day-care setting like?
Does he have siblings that are being rough with him?
Is there any place else he's seeing this kind of behavior?

All of the questions will help you see the bigger picture of how he's experiencing his days. And the more you know, the better you can support him, help him fit in, and show him other ways to manage what are obviously very powerful feelings.

From what you say, he doesn't sound like a bully to me, at all: he sounds frustrated, angry (about something), and afraid.

He sounds like he's uncertain he can perform but also believes that he must perform.

I'd ask, "Does he really "need" to perform? Are the expectations clear? What does a "good enough" job look like?

It also sounds like he thinks he's being asked to go beyond his comfort zone ("I don't want to! I can't.").

I'd ask, "Is he being asked to? Will going beyond his comfort zone be a good growth opportunity for him, right now, or is he really not ready yet?"

And I'd try to find out what he's afraid of, if he is afraid.

Part of getting to the bottom of what's going on will involve checking it out with him and all the other "communities" that interact with him, like family, playmates, day care, school, church, etc.

And while you're figuring it out, I think it's very important to make sure that his school, day-care, church, and adult family members agree on and implement consistent consequences when he does act out. This may take some time and I'm sure you're like every other mom I know -- NO TIME!

But as you and your son and the caring adults in his life work with him to uncover and solve this problem, you're modeling a great life lesson: we're not meant to do this hard work of growing up all on our own! We have loving people all around us to help.


Linda, good luck and let us know how it goes. It helps all of us when we know someone else is having the same problem we have had.


References:
Single parent of 14.5 Y.O girl
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avatarSusi
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Bullying and Violence # of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 Hi Linda,
I received a call from the Principal the first day of kindergarten about my son's behavior. He hit another child. The school has a zero tolerance for this kind of behavior. Apparently, I had not. He was immediately removed from the situation and taken to the office where I was called. He was talked to by the Principal that this was unacceptable behavior and given the consequence of suspension from school if it were to happen again. Soon after, there was an incident at a neighbor's house, where he had another child pinned to the ground. My neighbor sent him home immediately. Zero tolerence was the key to changing his bad behavior. Remove him from the situation. Take away the child's most favorite toy, tv, computer, or whatever they love the best and stick to it. Think about the consequence ahead of time, to make sure it's reasonable. In my case, lack of discipline was the reason he was getting away with acting out. (Although at the time I had a hard time admitting it, even to myself). I used compassion in talking with him about why he was doing these things. I helped him to communicate his feelings better, by discussing reasons he may have hit or otherwise acted out. Also, I asked him to tell me how he would feel if another child hit him. It didn't take long before he changed into a caring and sensitive young man. Try to remain calm and compassionate, but be consistent and swift. Collaborate with his teacher about the steps you wish to take. I wish you and your son all the best and I hope my story helped.

References:
Freelance Writer, Editorial Assistant for the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators of MI News, and Mother of two children ages 12 and 14.
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avatarJenny.eduguide
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Top 5 in: Books and Reading, Calming and Comforting, Discipline, Families and Relationships, Family Activities, Financial Aid for College, Growth and Development, Health and Wellness, Home Learning and Field Trips, Parenting Support, Parents and Schools, School Policy and Education Issues, Study Skills and Academics, Transitions and Readiness, Study Skills and Academic StrategiesTop 5 in 15 Topics		 This is a tough one. How do you explain to a child that it isn't fair that they get to act out anytime they want and the rest of the children don't? It isn't fair that others have to pay for a bully's bad behavior. I have one of those kids myself and it often seems that you can't just reason with him. It can be extremely frustrating.

Here is an article that has a few helpful tips.
Dealing-with-Bullies

The one thing that I just keep telling myself is to remember that punishing him with the same behavior that he uses while bullying will teach him nothing. I need to model and reward good behavior. Only punishing him for bad behavior shows that he is only acknowledged when he does something negative, this just encourages his bad behavior.
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