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How do I prepare myself for reconciliation?

My daughter was conceived on what was basically a passing fling for me some 14 years ago. At that time, I had no illusions of meeting someone special because I was dealing with emotional baggage from sexual abuse I had endured as a child. I had confronted the perpetrator (my dad) only 3 1/2 years prior to then. This created a very bad situation for me because my mother had no intentions of leaving my dad for obvious selfish reasons like security, etc.

Sorry to get off topic talking about myself. To understand how she was conceived and everything that followed it is important to understand a bit about my story.

Anyhow, she was conceived on what was basically a one night thing. Some ten days later, I found out from the mother that she was pregnant. From that point on, nothing was ever the same. The mother was manipulative and able to take advantage of my already broken heart by coercing my hand into marriage. At that time, I did not know whether the baby was actually mine. (I confirmed this when my daughter was 4 months old via a paternity test.)

Psychologically the mother was/still is not sound. Our legal marriage lasted for only one year as I tried valiantly to get divorced from her. All I wanted was to be a daddy to my child. Accusations of things that were not true was the mother's mantra, even fascinations that I was following her were told.

My daughter was born in the Southwest & later moved back to the Southeast with her maternal family. I was able to see her for only a short while for the first 3 1/2 years of her life. During that time, I obtained medical records from my daughter's stay in Texas. The records indicated the doctor's suspicions of child abuse, Munchausen by Proxy. She had been taken to the doctor multiple times for seizures after having an unecessary medical procedure performed. The seizures were not as frequent when the wife & maternal family moved back home from TX.

After a whirlwind of trips to see our attorneys and taking her to court for child abuse, the obvious toll was seen thru the eyes of my then 3 year old daughter. The maternal grandmother was filling her little mind with hatred towards me. She would cry when I brought her home, wanting her mommy and telling me that she did not love her daddy.

Early August of 1999 was the last time I saw her. At that point, I began the process of relinquishing my rights legally so that my daughter could have some peace & I could move on.

Since then, I have re-married and have two wonderful children. My wife and I speak of my daughter often. We sort of hold our breaths for the day she turns 18.....and how long therafter before she tries to find me.

My wife and I made contact with the mother a couple of years ago. She seemed as if she had changed but her true colors came out very quickly after giving her two chances.

Sometimes I do not acknowledge just how painful this experience has been for me, as my hurt pales in comparison to my daughter's. I cannot imagine how tough it must have been for her to grow up without me.

It almost seems as if this situation was doomed until the day she reaches adulthood & becomes autonomous.

I want to make some kind of impact on her life by leaving her something, a college fund, pictures, letters, etc.

How do I gaurd my family from any baggage she may bring when we do meet? Should I continue to approach her if she does have deep resentments? What should I be doing now to prepare for that day we reunite? When is a good time to tell my two other children of their half sister?

I know that she has been told complete lies by her maternal family to protect the truth. Several years ago my ex seemed rather frantic for my approval of the watered down story she had told my daughter of why we had divorced. At that time, I told her it was okay but now it is not. Should I tell her the truth she has never heard or simply water it down? I worry about her hating me more if I tell her certain things about her mom.

I am sorry for the rant but I have really needed a platform and audience to share this with.......

Rob_dad

Question applies to ages: 13

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avatarLiz
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Financial Aid for College # of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 This has undoubtedly been a very difficult process for you. It sounds as if you tried hard to get your daughter out of that situation. Now, you're looking ahead to what may happen when she's old enough to act on her own. The questions you have are normal ones to worry about, I'm sure, but they don't have only one right answer.

All people have "baggage" of some sort, and it would be impossible to know in advance what your daughter's might be. Worrying in advance won't help you figure it out, so it would be good to take a 'wait and see' attitude.

Getting in touch with your daughter when she's 18 may not be welcomed by her -- or it may be something she welcomes with open arms. There's no way of knowing til you try it. But again, that's several years away. You can't pre-guess what her attitude might be five years from now.

The decision when and how to tell your children of their half-sister is a decision you and your wife need to make together. The two of you know your kids better than anyone else, so talk it through together to make a decision.

My personal advice is to not dredge up too much of the past if and when you meet your daughter again in the future. When she's ready to talk about the past, she'll undoubtedly ask you for details but offering information that undermines her other family relationships won't help you and her. You can say something like, "I'd rather not rehash what happened so many years ago. Let's establish our own relationship based on who we are NOW."

Good luck with all of this!
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avatarBridgette
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Top 5 in: Discipline, Families and Relationships, Growth and Development, Learning Styles, Manners and Values, Parenting Support, Parents and SchoolsTop 5 in 7 Topics		 You seem to be asking several things. Perhaps what you're looking for is a sounding board?

The things you bring up are the decisions of a lifetime and one that a professional counselor would be far better equipped to respond to than I. In fact, I would strongly advise going to see a professional and asking for some assistance in reopening this relationship.

I'm not sure I understand why you would want to wait until she is 18 before re-establishing a relationship. So much damage will be done by then.

You said you left her life so that she could get some peace, but how is a 3 1/2 year old supposed to find peace through the absence of her father? Even toddlers in intact healthy homes will often cry and experience separation anxiety when one parent or the other leaves for a few hours. It seems to me a heart-breaking reason to have taken yourself out of her life--especially since you suspected abuse.

Is there any way you can restore the relationship now?

You asked a series of questions that I'll give you what is just my opinion to:

How do you guard your current family from baggage? You don't. You explain to them that we all have struggles in life and she has hers. Your daughter is also your family--whether you planned for her or not. Certainly, she didn't plan to be born and any baggage she carries is not exactly her fault. Rather than protect your family from her, you explain that all of you will work through it together and be stronger and wiser because of it.

Should you continue to approach her if she does have deep resentments? That's a tough one. Now, the answer is yes. If you wait until she's 18, then I think you have to leave it up to her and be willing to do whatever she wants. But I don't think you get to force yourself on her if she doesn't want to see you after all that time. You can only let her know the door is open. Nor if she wants to see you, do you have the right to put conditions on how she feels toward you.

What should you be doing now? Contacting her. Send her emails, send her letters, send her photographs, visit her. You're not trying to re-establish a relationship with the mother, but with the daughter. How many chances are too many? When you're a parent, is there really a limit?

When is a good time to tell your other children? Immediately. Show them pictures, let them know that they have a half-sister. The last thing you want is for your daughter to show up and find out that you never even mentioned her to her half-sisters. Nor do you want to traumatize your current family by letting the girls find out as a "surprise" when they are older. It might make them paranoid about their security with you.

As for telling your daughter bad things about your ex-wife, that's an easy one. Don't do it. Don't engage in parental alienation, especially considering she knows her mother and she doesn't know you. You don't have to water things down, you can simply find a way to tell her things without bad-mouthing her mother. Why would you need to justify yourself in her eyes? No matter what her age, she is your child and your responsibility is to do what is best for her, not what will make you look better in her eyes. She's already having to live life without you. Why would you also want to have her despise or distrust the parent and family who is raising her? That would be horribly damaging to her and her ability to form future healthy relationships.
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