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avatar Anonymous

My 16 son snaps at me and gets in my face when I ask him questions and don't take, "I dont know or I forgot", as an answer. What do I do?



Question applies to ages: 16

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avatarJenny.eduguide
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Top 5 in: Discipline, Families and Relationships, Family Activities, Financial Aid for College, Growth and Development, Health and Wellness, Parenting Support, Parents and Schools, School Policy and Education Issues, Study Skills and Academics, Transitions and Readiness, Study Skills and Academic StrategiesTop 5 in 12 Topics		 I think the first thing you have to ask yourself is, "How do I sound to him when I ask these questions?" Do you sound accusing? Do you sound like you are questioning his intelligence or that you don't believe him? I find that when I end up in arguments with my teenage daughter, it is usually because she feels she must defend herself to me.

Of course, you and I know that they must still answer to us, but we don't always have to shove that in their faces. I know that I ALWAYS have to keep myself in check when my daughter gets "snippy." It is super hard not to snip back at her.

I have to keep telling myself that I want her to be an intelligent, functioning member of society. And in order for her to do that she needs to learn to think for herself. I have to start talking to her like she is an adult. That doesn't mean she isn't punished when she doesn't follow the rules, but when I talk to her about it she understands that "I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. No one will accept that when she's in the "real world" and neither will I.

Even if I don't get a better answer than that, she knows I'm right and it WILL make her think twice before she answers that way next time. At least, I hope it does.
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avatarLiz
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Safety # of Thumbs Up Received (1)		 I agree with Jenny that it's a good idea to check your own tone of voice when you ask questions, and how you're phrasing them. When teens feel they're in an inquisition, they get defensive and close up. Something I noticed about myself when I was a parent of a teen is that I often spoke to her almost rudely, in a tone of voice and manner that I would NEVER use in speaking to a friend or at work. That really helped me change my approach.

You might try asking your son to, "OK, I heard your words....now let's hear them spoken nicely" to remind him that he may NOT speak to you rudely.

'I don't know" and "I forgot" are such classic teenager responses!! It's a way of trying to get out of things, of course, but it's also a way of not communicating. Tell him, "Let's go over what you DO know, then" or "You know that's not an answer that flies with me -- try again." A lot of parents may say, "If you don't know, then who does?" (I'm sure I fell back on it myself more than a few times!), but all that does is start escalating the anger and tension. Try to stay calm, take a deep breath, and then respond to his non-responsive answers to your questions.

If he's using "I forgot" a lot, sit down with him and work out a plan for how he won't forget in the future. Post lists on the refrigerator, whatever it takes so that "I forgot" can't be an excuse. If it's a chore he's supposed to do, set clear rules about what happens if he 'forgets' -- and then don't let him off the hook. Nagging him to do a chore just puts the monkey on your back. If he's supposed to call you when he leaves a movie or something and "forgets", then the rule may be that he doesn't get to go to any more movies for a specified period of time. The point is to have clear consequences established in advance.

Another tactic that someone taught me was to use the phrasing, "When you do XXXX, I feel XXX." So in this case, you might say, "You know, when you talk to me that way, I feel that you really don't care about getting along within the family and that hurts." Kids rarely stop and realize that the way they talk to us can be hurtful.



References:
Parent to a former teen, and we both survived those years!
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