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avatarCherie
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cheating

My daughter was caught cheating today. She is 8 and we have gone to church since she was 3. She knows better. She is in a 3rd /4th grade class and she is always concerned about what others are getting around her, what they know. ETC. She fell behind in reading due to my homeschooling her 1 year. However , she is smart, and I have no worries she has pretty much already cuaght up to her level there. She enjoys her studies and everything about school. She told me she did not know one word and she had her spelling list out? So over this one word, she earned herself a big 0 on her test. And now she will be labled a cheater by her class mates. And her teachers have adored her and now they know she has cheated them after all the great attension they give her. She does this playing board games as well and I have cuaght her doing this when I quiz her and just told her she is not going to learn that way. I never knew that she was this determined to cheat. I never did this in school. I would not want to be caught or disgraced. No way? I don't know how to deal with this personality and I am not sure if she really cares.Is do know she wants to get recognition and I do know she wants very good grades.

Question applies to ages: 8

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avatarBridgette
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Top 5 in: Discipline, Families and Relationships, Growth and Development, Learning Styles, Manners and Values, Parenting Support, Parents and SchoolsTop 5 in 7 Topics		 It is very stressful for us when our child does something that goes against our values. It causes us to question whether we've done the right thing and we end up feeling embarrassed over how our child's behavior might reflect on us.

Children, though, do learn through making mistakes. When handled well, mistakes can be opportunities for growth that are even more effective than always being perfect.

I would encourage you to avoid labeling her or let her self-label herself. People tend to live up to the labels that are put on them. If her one action of cheating makes her a cheater, then that is what she will remember the next time there is an opportunity. She'll have internalized the belief that she is a cheater and may act accordingly.

Instead, look at the action and deal with that action. She's already suffered the natural consequence of that action--getting a zero. She'll also be watched more closely in the future. She now has a responsibility to earn back the trust that she's lost. Talk with her about things that she can do to rebuild trust and to act in more honorable ways. Ask her to come with ideas. Practice them if she thinks that they would be difficult.

Make sure she knows that getting good grades is not as important as learning. Explain to her performance on a test isn't a picture of who she is, but rather a measurement of what she has learned. When she gets something incorrect on a test, that is information she can use. Now she knows what she needs to study more or to learn about. If she cheats, she cheats herself out of that information and the chance to learn.

I'd also work with her on the competitiveness. It seems to be pretty common at that age for children to compare themselves with those around them. I know with our son we had to work very hard at getting him to compare his performance only to his ability not to the performance of those around him.

It's difficult to explain this to a child, but it is far better that she get a B or a C for work that is honestly hers than to get an A on something she knows she doesn't deserve. Even if no one ever catches her cheating, she'll know and that will be destructive to her self-esteem in the long run. She'll never have the confidence that she can achieve without cheating.

Good luck dealing with this issue. It can certainly be heart-breaking and definitely is a red flag that attention needs to be paid. I hope you are able to find the solution that works for your daughter.
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avatarAnonymous A similar thing happened with my daughter when she was about the same age. For her, it really wasn't a matter of what was right or wrong, but more of what was more convenient for her.

We punished her very severely. I believe she wasn't allowed to have friends over or go to her friends for two weeks and no TV for a week. Every time she complained we reminded her of what she'd done and that if she didn't want this kind of punishment to not do it again.

But I think the thing that really got her was when we explained to her that since she'd cheated (and cheating is the same as lying) that we could no longer trust her or believe a word she said. Whenever she told us something, we said, "Now how do we know you aren't just lying to us again? One day you are really going to want us to believe you, but we won't be able to because you often don't tell the truth."

This might seem harsh, but cheating and lying is something you want to stop just as soon as it starts and make sure that your child knows that under no circumstances is that kind of behavior allowed in your family.
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