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avatar Anonymous

my 5 year old daughter is afraid of my girlfriend

i have been apart from my ex since my daughter was 3 years old. I have been with my girlfriend for close to the past two years. My daughter is an only chid who lives with the ex. My girlfriend has 3 kids, a 17, 9, 7, year olds, who my daughter gets along with fine. My girlfriend has no problem discipling her kids but when it comes to mine my girlfriend feels ( which is a huge problem ) that she has to treat mine different because if she raises her voice my daughter will start to cry. Now when i have her i have no problem yelling at my daughter if needed , and i don't feel as though my girlfriend is or wants to yell for no reason. It is even as bad as just haveing my daughter sitting down for dinner and finishing all of her dinner. If my girlfriend makes her plate and tells her to finish her dinner there are tears. I think the dinner thing is because the ex allows my daughter to sit in front of the tv and take 3 hrs to have dinner, this doesn't happen when we are with my girlfrind. Basicly the bottom line is my girlfriend has tried everything that she and i can think of to curb this problem, now it could be a problem that breaks us up. My daughter seems to be afraid of her, kinda ignors her, I have to remind my daughter of her manners around her. My daughter will also keep telling me that I am the best whenever we are all together. ex 8-10 time in 45mins at the dinner table.. WHAT DO I DO????? I don't want to mess up my daughter but I don't want to lose my girlfriend either........

Question applies to ages: 5

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avatarJenny.eduguide
# of Thumbs Up Received (77)
Top 5 in: Discipline, Families and Relationships, Family Activities, Financial Aid for College, Growth and Development, Health and Wellness, Parenting Support, Parents and Schools, School Policy and Education Issues, Study Skills and Academics, Transitions and Readiness, Study Skills and Academic StrategiesTop 5 in 12 Topics		 I would have to say, and this is just my opinion, that there is a larger problem here than just your daughter being "afraid" of your girlfriend. The explanation you gave seems to lean toward you defending your girlfriend and placing more blame on your ex and your daughter. Often times, it is hard for us to see the picture when we are very close to the situation.

Based on the information you have given me, it looks as if your daughter doesn't have this problem with anyone else, that actually leads me to believe that it isn't your daughter who has the problem.

Two thoughts came to my head as I read your explanation. One was that your girlfriend acts differently toward your daughter when you aren't around. The other is that your ex has been convincing your daughter that your current girlfriend is someone to be scared of. My gut reaction tells me that it is both.

My husband and I met when his daughter was four and it took some real time for me to get to know her. I also treated her like someone I felt was very special. As time passed she realized that I was OK. You see, children are born trusting their parents...your girlfriend is not her parent.

Now that my step-daughter is older and we have three other kids, of course they are all treated the same, but maybe what your very young daughter needs is to feel a little special right now. Your girlfriend's children know that she loves them and your daughter knows your girlfriend loves them, that doesn't mean that your daughter feels loved by your girlfriend. Sure she tries to discipline your daughter, but does she give her love and affection like she does with her children?

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about what goes on at your ex's house. If your ex wants to let her watch TV and take 3 hours to eat her dinner, she can. What you have to do is make sure your daughter understands that when she comes to your house, that is NOT the rule. And if there is such an issue with your girlfriend and discipline, then make sure you step in and let your daughter know that you agree with your girlfriend's decision.

Have you tried asking your daughter what it is your girlfriend does that makes her so "afraid?" Please don't ever just assume you know why your children are acting the way they are...talk to them about it. Make sure you let your daughter know that whatever she is feeling and for whatever reason, it is OK to feel that way. Then discuss with her what you and your girlfriend and your daughter can do to help her work through it.





References:
Mother of four - and, yes, one is my step-daughter, but you will almost NEVER hear me call her that.
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