When my 2-and-a-half-year-old daughter wakes up, the first person she looks for is her 10-month-old sister. My daughters shower each other with kisses and hugs all day long. They follow each other around the house, cry if they are separated, and empathize with each other constantly. Am I just lucky? Maybe. But I believe my children are kind to each other because of the examples my husband and I set for them every day. We encourage kindness and discourage child aggression in our children.  We practice what we preach in our daily lives.

All is not perfect in my home. My husband and I have been known to raise our voices to each other. We fight passionately, I like to say. But we noticed our 2-year-old begin to shout nonsense words whenever our own voices rose in anger. Now, we make an effort to keep our tones respectful. Amazingly, our words seem to follow suit.

For children, behaviors are modeled on what they witness.  Does your child grab toys from others, hit his siblings, bite, stomp, punch? Yes, all children explore these behaviors. But if your child is consistently committing the same offenses, step back and take a good look at the example you're setting.

Here are five simple ways to encourage kindness in your children.

  • Say "please" and "thank you." No one in our house asks for anything -- a diaper, a pencil, dinner, anything -- without tacking on a "please" at the end of the request. "Change the channel, please." "Pass the salt, please." "Pick up your toys, please." It's automatic -- but it still makes a difference. If you hand me something, I thank you. In fact, my 11-month-old only says one word: da-doo, her version of thank you. She says it every time someone hands her something, because that's what she sees. 
  • Encourage empathy. If my 11-month-old falls down, my 2-year-old sees me wince. "That must have hurt," I say, and together we go to comfort the baby. If my 2-year-old is throwing a tantrum, the 11-month-old stares in wonder. "Your sister is angry because she can't have another cookie," I tell her, and the lessons are sinking in. 
  • Demonstrate love. Mr. Rogers told children that "There are many ways to say 'I love you.'" True, but with kids, you need to be direct. Just say, "I love you." And hug them and kiss them whenever they're within reach. Let them see you and your partner hugging and kissing each other. Make it a natural part of your life, and it will be a natural part of theirs. 
  • Role-play. This is an easy way to learn how your child really sees the world. Say, "You're the mommy (or daddy) now. I'm the baby (or big girl, or boy)." Then sit back, and see yourself as your child sees you. My daughter tells me, "I'm the mommy and you're the honey." I had never noticed that I preface almost everything I say to my kids with "honey" or "sweetie" until my 2-year-old pointed it out. 
  • Reward kindness. You don't need to bribe your children to be nice to each other, but catch them being good. Are they sharing? Say, "I'm so proud of you for playing so nicely together and sharing. Would you like to share some fruit?" When my 2-year-old kisses her sleeping sister's head or covers her with a blanket, I reward her with the gift all children crave: one-on-one attention from a grown-up.

The behaviors we teach our children when they are young can often determine the actions they will take as adults. Take time each day to focus on kindness, and a gentler future can be our new reality.

  

Abbi Perets frequently writes about pregnancy and parenting. She lives in Southern California with her husband and two daughters.