Having a child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can cause increased parent stress. You may find yourself resorting to yelling, spanking and making threats to get your child to do what he or she is supposed to do.

As a practicing therapist, and as the father of five children, I can honestly say I've "been there, done that." But I have also seen "difficult" children do much better when their parents change the way they relate to their child.

They can do that using seven habits of effective parenting: 

  1. Learn to see each challenging behavior as an opportunity to teach your child valuable lessons in life. Don't forget about one of the most important roles you have as a parent: the role of teacher. Focus on training your child to be a competent adult. 
  2. Use a positive approach. It's easy to see the things we don't want our children to do. It is harder, but much more effective, to explain to your children behaviors you do want. For example, if you tell Johnny not to hit his sister, he may just choose another form of torture. On the other hand, if you tell Johnny you want him to treat his sister with respect and kindness, he then learns how to make you proud of him and perhaps improve his relationship with his sister. 
  3. Clearly state what you expect from your child. Very often children fail to understand just what their parents expect, even though it may seem you have told them a thousand times. You will get much better results if you say exactly what behavior you want and under what circumstances that behavior should occur. If possible, tell your child what he or she can expect from you if he or she does what you ask. 
  4. Give good feedback. Good feedback tells the child how he or she is doing at meeting your expectations. Feedback can be as simple as saying, "I liked the way you put your shoes away." It may also include checklists that show when chores are done or "star charts" for younger children. Feedback works best when it is clear and simple. It should be positive and focused on whatever the child did well, even if he or she did not do things perfectly. 
  5. Assume your child tried to do well, but just couldn't do it. This will help you remember that it is a parent's job to teach a child to handle things better in the future. We do not have to get angry or emotionally upset because we know that children naturally "mess up." 
  6. Insist on practice. Have your children practice the behavior you expect while you watch.

    For example, children often have trouble in stores because they want to touch things, take things off of the shelves, wander around or disrupt shoppers. If you expect your child to keep hands off of the merchandise and stay by your side while you shop, you should insist on plenty of practice.

    • Arrange a short trip to the store.
    • Explain in detail what you expect your child to do and be specific about the behaviors you expect from him.
    • Promise a treat after shopping if he is successful.
    • If the child grabs items, wanders away or has a fit because you will not buy what he wants, he needs more practice.
    • Drop everything, tell the child that you are sorry he forgot the rules and say, "I think we need more practice at this, honey."
    • Then take the child back out to the car, and when he calms down, begin again.
    • Make it a short trip so that he is likely to succeed; and remember, it's practice. If he goofs up several times, end the practice and begin again another day. 
  7. Stay hard on the issue but easy on the child. Fight bad behavior; love the child. If you are doing well with the other habits, this one comes easily. If you are clear on the issue (teaching your child to be more competent), you can insist that the child do what is expected without getting angry and upset.

Building these habits will not make everything perfect, but I can say from experience that it sure makes things better.

And while life becomes easier for you, your child learns to respond appropriately to adults and get along better with friends.

 

Christopher P. Giuliano is a father of five and an assistant professor at Michigan State University.