Beginnings are difficult for lots of children and adults. Fear of the unknown and lack of perspective conjures our worst nightmares. The early elementary years are full of transitions for children. We can’t avoid them, but we can tame the fear and bolster our child’s success by getting involved early and sticking with it.
The opportunities to get involved seem endless — fundraisers, parent-teacher conferences, field trips, plays and art shows.
But all the activities in the world cannot equal the impact of strong, trusting relationships between parents and teachers. In fact, out of all the things schools ask parents to do, sharing information is what many teachers say they value the most.
They also say they wish parents would make the first move.
“We feel like it is not politically correct or polite to get personal with parents,” said Susan Wilke, a kindergarten teacher in Eaton Rapids, Michigan. “But we know the more information we have, the better we can educate your child.”
Building a Partnership
Parents usually know their child better than anyone: strengths and weaknesses, quirks and motives. We also know what’s going right and what’s not in our families.
The last thing most of us want to do is burden our child by revealing faults, overstating strengths, or opening the door to the family’s skeletons. But the exchange of key information about your child with her teacher is as important to her success as a good breakfast and 10–12 hours of sleep each night, because it puts everyone on the same team.
“I think it’s hard for the majority of parents to be honest and be open,” said Linda Bottomley-Fink, a first grade teacher at Bennett Elementary School in Jackson, Michigan. “But it’s not really a partnership if parents don’t bring their information to the table. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that every family, no matter their income or education level, has issues. Life happens to all of us.”
Keep this in mind: eventually the people who work with our children are going to discover who they are. Sharing early gives everyone a head start, and it eliminates the guessing and judging that hurts all of us. It also guarantees that your child’s strengths won’t be overlooked and that their challenges will be understood.
Listening to your gut is often the best way to gauge what to share and what to hold back. Sometimes, though, your gut tells you to hide the very things that teachers most need to know.
“I don’t need to know every detail of a child’s life,” said Nancy Shaw, a first-grade teacher at Tyler Elementary School in Livonia, Michigan. “But if a parent would just tell me, for example, that they’re going through a difficult divorce, then I can understand why the child may be acting out. The more I know, the less I’m inclined to make assumptions or pass judgment.”
Put it in Writing
Just about every time my son Nik experiences something new, I brace myself for the phone call home.
First day of kindergarten: “I thought you should know, Nik said he’s never happy.”
First day of drama camp: “Nik ripped his shorts and insists that he never wants to come back.”
First day of piano lessons: “Nik got frustrated. I think he needs a teacher with a stronger personality than me.”
Transitions are tough for my bright, intense 8-year-old. Watching him struggle through them is even tougher on us.
As my husband Daymon said, “If Nik could skip beginnings and have only middles and ends, his life would be great.”
After every rough start with Nik, I found myself saying, “I should have warned them.”
Now I do. Right away I talk to teachers and other adults who work with him. I share the good, the bad, the ugly and, if possible, some strategies that work with him.
I’ve even started writing it all down in a letter at the beginning of the year. I wondered if teachers would think I was nuts, until Nik’s teacher, Shera Emmons, later told me that she liked the letter so much that she did the same thing when her own toddler entered day care.
“I like the idea of a letter (instead of a verbal conversation),” Emmons wrote. “A letter gives me time to read and absorb the information…. go back, re-read and compare [it] to the observations that I have made of the child. A letter from a parent that acknowledges that their child is not perfect also opens the door of communication. I am more willing to discuss an issue with a parent before it becomes a problem, if I know they will be understanding (and not defensive).”
I feel better because I am in control of their first impression of my son. Teachers feel better because they are prepared for the challenge. And we’re both more comfortable listening to each other.
Beth Crawford, of Clarkston, Michigan agrees. She was afraid that her “kind, naïve” daughter Madison would get lost in the shuffle — or worse — in kindergarten last year.
“It’s so hard to leave the warm-fuzzy environment of preschool and adjust to the down-to-business feel of kindergarten,” she said. “I was really worried.”
The orientation and workshop for new parents at the school were helpful, but Crawford said she didn’t find the relief she really needed until she talked one-on-one with her daughter’s teacher.
“I didn’t hold back information; I was downright open,” Crawford said. “I wanted the teacher to not only know my daughter, but to know her on a personal level. This is who she is, what she likes, what she’s afraid of. It empowered me, because I never worried that they would overlook her talents or miss something important about her.”
She didn’t stop there. When her daughter was lashing out at a younger sibling at home, Crawford immediately shared the behavior with the teacher.
“It put her on alert, and if she saw Madison lash out at another child, she could crack down on her,” Crawford said. “I didn’t know what to do about it. But together, we solved the problem. What could be better than that?”
Happy endings: they don’t just happen. Start the conversation with your child’s teacher now.
Margaret Trimer-Hartley formerly directed communications for the Michigan Education Association and now the Developer of New Schools for New Urban Learning. She is a mother of two.