Toddlers are naturally curious when they discover their genitals and notice sex differences in others. Their parents' response lays a foundation for healthy sexual attitudes later on, experts say.
Toddler Education: Sexuality Fascinates Children
Children first learn about pleasurable experience as they're cuddled and cared for. Joan Haskell, a licensed social worker from Merrimack, New Hampshire, says attitudes about sexuality are formed as toddlers notice how their bodies feel, how others touch them, how family members relate and refer to body parts and what behavior seems acceptable. It is part of natural child social development.
Toddlers touch their genitals to discover what's there and how it works, said Haskell. Parents can respond to this exploration in a number of ways: ignore or minimize it, allow that it feels good, but point out that it's best done in private or redirect a child's attention to another toddler activity.
Respond in a way that's comfortable for you and age-appropriate for the child, Haskell said. Bear in mind that a message that such exploration is bad can create confused feelings about genital pleasure in the future.
Self-Touching Helps Toddlers Determine What is Sexuality and Comfort
Mom, Heather Brandon, noticed her toddler became interested in her body.
"There was a phase before she turned 3 when she was exploring her genitals casually, almost as though she was bored," Brandon said. "We would talk about what she was finding so she knew what the parts were. But I also told her she needed to wash up afterwards."
Toddlers sometimes self-stimulate for physical and emotional comfort, especially when they're tired, said family therapist Keyvan Geula of Pomona, California. This is a good time to model other kinds of comforting touch, such as offering a backrub.
Toddlers may masturbate excessively to control body sensations when they lack control in toilet training or eating patterns. This can also occur when adults overreact, said Haskell, and so a child learns to get attention this way.
Tips For Guiding Early Explorers with Toddler Learning Activities
Toddlers' days are tailor-made for learning about their bodies, from diapering and toilet-training to dressing and bath time.
- Look for "teachable moments." These happen when parent and child are enjoying each other's company in a relaxed atmosphere, Geula said. She cautions that children are also affected by the way adults react to their questions: in their facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language.
- Casually refer to genitals as another legitimate body part, Geula said. "Make a list of body parts, using correct names, and say them as your child finds them."
- Introduce concepts of modesty and privacy, though at this stage, introduce is about the most you can do, said Haskell.
- Remember that this is also a chance to teach about such conduct as personal dignity and awareness of others' comfort, Geula said. "We can say, 'There are things people like to do together, like eat and laugh and play, and there are things we do in private, like use the bathroom.'"
"Children take cues about modesty from watching adults," Haskell said. "Keeping things simple and looking to what you model yourself may be your best response."