For about two years, Jamie could get anything he wanted just by blurting out a sound. The syllables "ba ba" won him a banana; the screech "juice" made a cup appear in his hand. Then one day his parents started to demand that he use "please" to get things, and "thank you" when he'd received them.

From a young child's point of view, learning to use kids' manners can be a confusing experience. Polite behavior means rules to follow-rules that may not make sense from the point of view of a young child. How can your toddler parenting help your child move from confusion to learning some social graces?

Set a Good Example with Toddler Parenting

One of the ways young children learn is through copying other people's behavior. If the people around her use polite and thoughtful behavior consistently, your child will learn to use it, too.

Have Reasonable Expectations for Toddler Learning

If your child can barely squeak out a syllable, it's probably too early to worry about whether he can "ask nicely" for something. Just getting the point across is all he may be able to manage. As he begins to develop his vocabulary (for many children this happens around age 2), you can encourage him to use the words "please" and "thank you" in the same way that you encourage him to use other words.

Think Beyond the Words of Preschool Manners

Even after young children have learned to say the "magic words," they still may not have developed the cognitive skills to understand why they are using them. A pleasant "May I have an apple?" is more polite than a long whine of "Pleeease Mom" over and over. Sitting at the table until others have finished eating, waiting for a slower child to climb the slide at the playground and listening to what someone else has to say are all examples of ways you might like your child to act around other people. Although saying "please" and "thank you" is a good start, your long-term goal is probably to teach him to be considerate and respectful.

More Tips for Teaching Character and Manners:

  • Make your expectations clear. If company is coming for dinner, take a moment before they arrive to remind your child of how you'd like him to behave. For example, "You may leave the table and play after the main course, but when you are at the table, I expect you to sit nicely." 
  • Work on one or two good behaviors at a time. Giving your child too many rules can come across as nagging, and he'll tune them all out. 
  • Build learning manners into play. If you and your child are building a block tower, you might say, "Could you please pass me the red block?" With older children, play a version of "Simon Says" where your child needs to listen for whether the command includes the word "please." For example, "Please put your hands on your hips. Please touch your toes. Touch your nose." 
  • Catch him behaving politely. Praising your child for using manners or showing thoughtful behavior can go a long way toward helping him develop social skills.

Andrea Mack, Ph.D. is an academic writer covering the areas of psychology and child development. She lives in Mississauga, Ontario.