"You need to settle down, Coach, or you'll have to leave the game!"

"And maybe you need new glasses, Ref. You sure can't see what's going on!"

This was no college basketball game, and the coach was no Bobby Knight. Instead, she was a kind and funny mom who logged many hours of service at our neighborhood schools.

The ref was a petite 15-year-old girl who'd been hired to officiate at township youth soccer games. So why had this crisp autumn Saturday grown so ugly?

That's what a lot of folks would like to know. Pushy parents have always been a part of youth sports. Yet it seems that parent stress has made the sidelines increasingly unfriendly, with reports of fistfights, shouting matches, and other social violence becoming common. One California community even reported a death among fighting soccer fans this fall. And this was at a kids' event. So much for sports teaching character.

Call it "field fury" -- when parents take their children's games too seriously, with sometimes shocking results.

This increasing social violence has prompted a host of proposed solutions. These range from asking parents to attend "sportsmanship" seminars to banning parent comments on so-called Silent Saturdays.

Call me crazy, but I don't think our kids really want silence on the sidelines. And the idea of forced parenting classes as a requirement for my child's participation leaves me cold. Still, I'm all for bringing some civility back to the bleachers. Mostly because our kids are watching.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," says Darrell J. Burnett, Ph.D. and author of  "It's Just a Game! Youth, Sports, & Self Esteem: A Guide for Parents." "As parents, we have to be aware that our behaviors often set the tone for our kids' attitudes toward youth sports."

I believe parents can do better. But we need to take action before we get tossed from the game. Years of bleacher-time with some terrific sports parents have shown me how we might calm weekend FAN-atics.

Here are some ways to resolve conflicts before they start:

 

  1. Set a good example. Use encouraging words, even when a team messes up. Cheer players from both teams who play well. Compliment personal growth more than winning.

     

  2. Let the coach be the coach. Players hate it when parents coach from the wings, especially when their advice contradicts a coach's instructions. If you have tips to share, wait until after the game or when emotions calm.

     

  3. Show respect for authority. I admit, referees and coaches can be rude, unfair, blind and arrogant. That's life. Even if they are doing a rotten job, model respect for their position.

     

  4. Become a peacemaker. When you notice fans getting out of control, take action. Start with good humor: "Isn't it frustrating when kids can't control their bodies at this age? They still have so much to learn!" If that doesn't work, try subtle reminders that this is only a game.

     

  5. If necessary, recruit a street-wise parent to intervene. At a recent high-school football game, my young daughter witnessed a fistfight that broke out between two fathers in the stands. "I was scared, Mom," she told me, "But Mr. B (an off-duty police officer) talked to them and told them to stop fighting."

What if you're the ugly sportsman?

  1. Leave troubles at home. Just for this hour, vow to forget the unfair boss, money troubles and the fight you had with your spouse.

     

  2. Remember why you're there. When you ask them, children say they play sports to compete, to learn new skills, to get physically fit and to have fun. None of these happens when adults are angry, critical or violent.

     

  3. Learn your sport. As my son moved up through various soccer leagues, I would get frustrated about calls that seemed unfair. But when parents in the know explained rules and coaching strategies, it all made more sense.

     

  4. Keep the game in perspective. Even if you're hanging your hopes on a college scholarship, remember this is only one game, in one event, for one sport in an entire lifetime. Kids usually can come back tomorrow.

I'm no psychologist, but I suspect that field fury, along with road rage, will be hard to eradicate in our stressed-out, uncivil society. But maybe if we each vow to live each day with a little more patience, respect and self-control, we can start to change our neighborhoods.

If you need a jump-start, how about taking a "Sportsmanship Oath," like this one penned by a 10-year-old I'm crazy about:

"With this oath, I promise to always be a good sport, and to not brag. I will be friendly and kind to the people who are not returning it."

Sounds pretty good to me. I'm sure she won't mind if you copy it.

 
Linda Wacyk is a soccer mom from Grand Ledge, Michigan.