Parents who ignore their teen’s inappropriate behaviors and don’t keep tabs on them may end up with kids who are the ones in charge. Unfortunately, these kids are also more likely to get into trouble, try risky behaviors, and do poorly in school. But you can use your influence for what your teen needs - consistent, attentive parenting, not another buddy.
A lot of research, including direct conversations with over 700 teens as part of the Maryland Youth Forum, shows that kids overwhelmingly say their family influences them the most, far more than friends do.
In the Maryland study, a student said: “I get so annoyed with my parents always asking, ‘who, what, where and when . . .’ but I know it’s better for me.” Another teen’s opinion was that “Parents act clueless, but they’re probably just turning a blind eye.”
Attentive parenting doesn’t mean you can’t be loving, friendly, and empathetic. It doesn’t mean that you have to make every single decision; in fact, now is a good time to take advantage of selective opportunities to let your child make more decisions on her own. But someone needs to be the authority in the family, and that person can only be you.
1. Set the Rules and Insist That They’re Followed – Always
First and foremost, set – or re-set! – your family’s rules and the chores each is responsible for. Stick to your guns. Enforce consequences. Clearly and consistently, tell and show your child what acceptable behavior is.
When you let whining and arguing work some of the time, you’re ensuring that your kids always try to wear you down to get what they want. Don’t back down, and your kids soon learn that ‘no’ means ‘no.’ Your lives will be more peaceful, and your kids learn self-discipline and respect in the bargain.
2. Acceptable Behaviors – Manners and Respect
Look around just about any public place. There seems to be an epidemic of rudeness. The reality is, kids are rude because they are allowed to be. Insist that your teen shows respect to everyone, and respect includes how she dresses; wearing jeans to a funeral is not showing respect, for instance. Correct her immediately when she doesn’t use good manners or shows disrespect, no matter where you are. Help make courtesy second nature to your child, not just when you’re watching.
3. Acceptable Behaviors – Morals and Values
Lying, stealing, sex, drugs, cheating, alcohol. Kids aren’t mind readers – they don’t know what’s not OK unless you teach and reinforce your values. Otherwise, kids form their values based on innuendo, questionable Web sites, and unrealistic movies and TV shows. A one-time “serious conversation” is not enough. Make your values explicitly clear to your children, over and over.
This means keeping tabs on your teen, knowing who he’s spending time with, finding out if both parents will be chaperoning a friend’s party, who else will be there – all the questions kids seem to hate to answer. But if you don’t ask your teen these kinds of questions, you’re letting him off the hook and establishing an ‘anything goes as long as I don’t know about it’ expectation.
4. The Positive Side
Catch your child doing something good and say so. “You handled that problem really well” or “It was so thoughtful of you to help the neighbors shovel off their drive.” Use every opportunity to affirm your values, and reassure your child that he’s on the right track.
Kids feel secure when they understand clearly what their family believes in, what constitutes being a good person. Clear expectations, consistently upheld rules and values, and accepting nothing less than respect and courtesy from your kids put you on the right track to raising confident, positive, and honorable young adults.