My son, Jake, loves surprises, thriving on life’s unexpected twists and turns. The only exception is when he adjusts to a new school year each September. He finds the combination of new classrooms, teachers, schedules, classmates and expectations especially difficult. So we expected some adjustment issues when Jake transferred to a new school midyear during fourth grade, and we vowed to be extra patient and understanding. We knew these transitions often caused stress in children. Adolescent behaviors could range from anger in children to child aggression.
The transition was worse than we could have imagined! Our generally good-natured but challenging son came home after school unhappy, angry and defiant. He engaged in aggressive adolescent behaviors: lashing out at us, hurling nasty words, yelling and screaming for no apparent reason. Before the first week was out, hives blanketed his body. Soon after, he developed a nervous tic and repeated irrational comments. Although Jake assured us that everything was fine, his behavior and his body said otherwise.
Was Jake having an extreme reaction to a midyear school transfer? Or was something else seriously wrong? And if so, what?
Pat and I researched hives and tics, and I consulted our pediatrician. The doctor felt that Jake’s symptoms and behavior were brought on by the school transition. He advised me to be patient and to get to the root of Jake’s anxieties. But how could I get Jake to open up?
Uncovering Bullying Facts
The next week, I took Jake out for his favorite treat. When I casually asked how things were going at school, Jake finally confided in me. He told me how, during his first week, Annette,* a girl seated next to him at lunch, offered him a cupcake, saying, “Welcome to our class.” When he accepted it with thanks, she raised her hand and told the teacher Jake was stealing her food. Jake was speechless as the teacher reprimanded him.
This was just the beginning. Annette antagonized Jake and told their fellow classmates to ignore him and act like he wasn’t there. Many followed her lead. Worse yet, Jake had to endure Annette’s insults at lunch because the class had been assigned seats. This was difficult since lunchtime would normally have been a time for Jake to meet new friends.
Since he had been well-liked at his old school, Jake was at a loss as to how to handle this situation. He didn’t know any of the children yet, and he worried about complaining to his teacher so soon after his arrival. He didn’t want to disappoint his father, Pat, and me since we were so excited about the move to the new school.
Jake was trying valiantly to maintain control and deal with it all by himself. But he couldn’t keep everything in: the hives, the tic, the irrational behavior, gave him away. Of course these also gave more cause for his classmates to make fun of him. Trying to tough it out alone, Jake was feeling vulnerable, frustrated, lonely and ashamed. With tears rolling down his cheeks, Jake admitted, “Mom, it feels so good to finally tell you all of this.”
Banding Together to Address Social Violence
Back at home, I told Pat everything. Struggling with our intense anger and uncertainty about what to do, we began to analyze the situation and discuss our options. We wanted to do the right thing at the right time, but we worried we might make matters worse.
We also wanted Jake to learn how to better cope with similar situations he may encounter in the future. We knew we probably couldn’t make the bully go away, but we could help Jake learn how to keep her from ruining his day at school.
We told Jake that we loved him and wanted him to feel that he could turn to us with any problem at any time, no matter how embarrassed or ashamed he felt. We explained that bullying is a common problem, especially for children new to a school, and learning how to deal with difficult people was going to be useful to him throughout his life. We wanted Jake to believe that this was simply a stumbling block in his transition to the new school, one that many people experience.
Through role-playing, we demonstrated how Jake could react to other children’s negative criticism. We told him that he did not have to accept such treatment, he did not have to be a victim, and he had the means to remedy the situation.
Taking Action to Stop Bullying Now
The next morning, Pat and I explained to Jake’s teacher the events that had occurred, of which she had been unaware. She hadn’t noticed his hives. Since she hadn’t known Jake previously, she didn’t realize that the tic was something new. She agreed to change his seat at lunch and be more watchful in the classroom.
As we were leaving Jake’s classroom, children began to arrive. I easily recognized the bully Jake had described. On the spur of the moment, I went over to her with a smile on my face. I knew I had the right girl when she responded with a look of guilt and dread before I even introduced myself.
“Hi! I’m Mrs.Gormley, Jake Harkins’ mom. I’ve heard a lot about you and just wanted to introduce myself.”
Startled, she looked at me and hesitantly shook my hand. I left the school that morning, hoping but not daring to believe that things would soon get better for Jake.
Hanging Tough
Anxiously I awaited Jake’s after-school report that day. He told me that his lunch seat had been changed, and that Annette hadn’t bothered him as much. However, a popular girl, Lisa,* seemed to be taking over where Annette had left off. Lisa, too, led his classmates in making fun of him.
Discouraged but determined, Jake and I worked out a plan. We role-played a conversation he could have with his new tormentor the next day.
Jake began, “Hi. Can I talk with you a minute?”
“Ewww,” I responded, playing Lisa, “get away from me.”
Jake came back with, “I don’t know why you’re treating me like this. How would you like it if you started at a new school where you didn’t know anyone and someone treated you like you are treating me?”
The next day Jake went to school, ready for the next hurdle. He approached Lisa. “Hi. I need to talk with you.”
“No. Just get away from me,” she dismissed him.
Jake tried again a bit later. “Hi. I need to talk with you.”
“No!” Lisa retorted loudly.
“It’s very important,” Jake insisted. “It’s about our friendship.”
Stunned, she asked, “Well, what do you want?”
“I need to know,” Jake answered, “are we friends, or aren’t we?”
“Okay, a little,” Lisa relented.
Making Friends Reduces Stress in Children
As Jake courageously continued to act on his own behalf, the situation subsided. Fortunately, Jake’s hives and the tic gradually disappeared. He has made friends with many of his classmates and has no lingering bad feelings toward them. Amazingly, Lisa and Jake are now very good friends. She has apologized to him, explaining that she herself was going through a hard time because her parents were divorcing. She let herself get caught up in something she is sorry for now.
Types of Bullying Responses That Helped
Looking back on those first weeks at his new school, Jake thinks several things helped to turn life around so quickly.
- First, we made his teacher aware of the problem and she took action by changing his seat assignment at lunch.
- Second, Jake was determined to make friends, even among those who had initially followed the bully’s lead. These new friends stuck up for him when others continued to taunt him during those early weeks at the new school.
- Third, after my brief encounter with Annette in the classroom, she rarely bothered Jake again.
As a parent, this ordeal was a reminder of how painful some childhood experiences can be. We are thankful that there have been no long-lasting effects for Jake, other than to make him especially protective of other new children in school. Both Jake and his sister Tara have a new appreciation for how it feels to be the “new kid on the block” and have gone out of their way to reach out to new students in their classes. Our growing children were also reminded that life isn’t always fair, but often we can do something about it. As a family, we all learned some lessons about resolving problems, persistence, friendship and the power of family love.
* Names have been changed.
Marian Gormley and her family enjoy life’s transitions in Northern Virginia. This article was first published in Welcome Home Magazine.