The traditional family structure is changing. The nuclear family with mom, dad, 2.5 kids and pets, is slowly giving way to alternative families: divorce, adoption, foster parenting and same-sex parenting are all issues kids face these days. The most common alternative family is the single-parent unit.
People single parent for many reasons. Losing a partner to death or divorce is a difficult way to become a single parent. And more and more people are choosing to single parent as an alternative to being childless.
Whether you are single parenting by choice or by chance, there are several ages and stages that your child and your parenting techniques will go through.
Baby needs new shoes ... and new toys, and lots of everything!
For many single parents, finances are the toughest thing to handle alone. This is a good time to learn the first lesson of single parenting — ask for help! Raising your child without a partner doesn’t mean you are alone. People who say, “If you need anything …” should be taken up on their offer, whether it’s for diapers or babysitting.
Keep a list of things you need or need done on the fridge. When you are asked ,“Can I help?”, refer them to the list. This way people will know what you need and you won’t always have to ask.
Stay Connected To The Adult World
Becoming a single parent is a huge change in lifestyle, but remember you were a vibrant person leading a full life before baby arrived. Without having a partner to share your experiences with, it’s important to stay in touch with the grown up world.
Keep up on current affairs so you’ll have something to talk about when you get out with other adults. Be creative — write, draw, paint — whatever it was you did as a creative outlet before you were a parent. Of course, time is of the essence with a wee one, but a few minutes when baby is asleep spent watching the news and sketching can put you in touch with the world and your adult self in about half-hour.
Um, Er … Well, Let Me Think
Children start to socialise around age 2 and questions about the missing parent are sure to arise. Work out age-appropriate answers for your child’s questions and for questions from adults before they come up.
Your response to awkward inquiries will signal to your child how you feel about being a single parent. If your answers are straightforward, honest and simple, your child will learn from your example that there is nothing to be ashamed of and will handle these situations appropriately.
Learn To Play Well With Others
If your children are still in contact with their other parent, it is crucial for you as parents to put your differences behind you (a tough order, in many cases) and work together for the children. Things like visiting schedules, eating and sleeping habits and discipline should remain constant, regardless of which parent has custody. Children between these ages are flexible, but still need stability in their lives.
Keep Children Out Of Conflicts
It's also important that young children not feel “used” in a game of oneupsmanship between their parents. If your more affluent ex insists on buying expensive toys and extensive summer vacations, your children should feel this is happening with your blessing. If they are used in your games, you are teaching them to play you against your ex in later years, which will lead to some real struggles as they mature into teens.
Single Parenting is like anything else in life — you’ll go through ups and downs, good times and bad. Some days you’ll revel in the special bond you, and only you, share with your child . Other days you’ll give your kingdom for someone else to change a diaper or discipline your teenager. It’s all normal, and part of the challenge of being a parent in a new millennium.
Shelley Lawson is a single Mom to 16-month-old Hannah, and the author of Momma Musings, a weekly look at Alternative Parenting. She lives and works in Edmonton, Alberta, and can be reached at mommamusings@yahoo.ca.