Determining What's Right for Your Child

When it comes to siblings attending the delivery, one of the most common questions parents have is: Are my kids old enough?

Robin Elise Weiss, childbirth and postpartum educator and the mother of four says age is not the most important factor, but rather their temperament and how well you have prepared them for this exciting time.

"It's also important to allow the child the right to leave and the option of changing (his or her) mind," says Weiss, whose older children began attending the birth of their siblings at the ages six and four-and-a-half. "Being flexible goes both ways and is very important."

For example, Weiss says, parents may think they'd like the child to be present for the whole birth but find it works better to have them come and go with a support person specifically assigned to the older child.

"Or perhaps they show up just for the last few minutes of labor and birth," she says. "Maybe your child will be bored and want to leave. You need to be prepared for this and not be hurt by their decision."

Mindy Haines' daughter was all set for the birth of her brother until just before his birth. Haines, of Millersville, Maryland, discussed the details of childbirth with her daughter, then six, ahead of time.

"She decided that she didn't want to be in the room when Spencer was born, but that she wanted to meet him as soon as he was cleaned up," Haines says.

Clare Albright, a southern California psychologist, mother and author of 100 Tips for Parents of Two Year Olds, says in most cases, families should wait until their older children are at least six years old before they attend a birth.

"During the labor, the older sibling will see the mother in a great deal of pain, probably making unusual and loud noises," Albright says. "Before six, the child's brain is not physiologically developed to the point that it can reason in an abstract way...Children over six could view their mother expressing pain and understand the concept, 'Mom is in pain but she doesn't really mind because it's well worth it to bring our new baby into the world.' Children under age six process their mother being in pain by thinking, 'Oh no, Mom's probably mad at me? What did I do? This is so scary!'"

Albright says while she feels allowing a child under age 6 to attend the birth can be somewhat traumatic for the child, for children over age 6, being present at the birth can foster feelings of inclusion and belonging in the older child.

Preparing Your Child

Albright and Weiss recommend these tips:

  • Find a simple book about pregnancy, with pictures of different stages of pregnancy. Videos, particularly ones that include a similar setting, such as a hospital, are important too, so the child becomes familiar with the instrument table and other devices used in the delivery room. 
  • Practice vocalization with your child, letting him or her become familiar with the sounds you will probably make during labor. 
  • Have a bag ready for your child that is filled with fun things to do, games, snacks, etc. 
  • You may also want to assign your older child a job during your labor, such as fetching ice chips.

When it comes to making the decision of whether or not to invite your child to the birth, and how--if at all--to involve them, you really have to rely on your own best judgment. You, after all, know your child better than anyone! 

 

Jennifer Newton Reents is a freelance writer, mom and associate editor for www.ePregnancy.com. She and her family live in Kansas.