You can witness baby separation anxiety at daycares, church nurseries and preschools worldwide. It’s terrifying for the child being left, horrifying for the parent trying to leave, and upsetting for the care provider left in charge. So, whydo some children have such a difficult time being separated from their parents?

What Is Baby Separation Anxiety?

According to graduate therapists at the Purdue University Anxiety Clinic, baby separation anxiety is when children experience great physical and emotional distress from being separated from their parents—even if it’s only for a short time. Separation anxiety is not uncommon. In fact, it is the most common fear in children.

Experts have found that some children suffering from separation anxiety are afraid of being harmed or becoming lost while apart from their parents. In some cases, children also fear that something awful might happen to their parents while they’re gone.

What’s Normal Baby Behavior?

During certain stages of development, it’s normal for children to show signs of separation anxiety. Beginning at about 9 months through about age 2, many children will fear strangers, as well as separation from their parents. In other cases, children may not exhibit any signs of separation anxiety until beginning preschool or until a parent takes a job outside the home.

So, when should parents be concerned? The rule of thumb is this: if your child doesn’t calm down within 10 minutes after you’ve gone; if the anxiety continues for weeks; or if your child worries to the point of sickness (refusing to play or sleep away from home); it might be time to seek a counselor’s help. If not addressed, the problem could continue through childhood, adolescence and even adulthood.

Why Does Separation Cause Stress in Children?

Sometimes life stresses, such as moving to a new city or experiencing a serious illness, can trigger separation anxiety. So, are parents the cause of it? Not usually; however, they can contribute to the problem. For example, if a child says, “I hate school” or “I hate daycare and I don’t want to go,” and the parent lets the child stay home and watch movies all day, that action will add to the existing problem.

What’s the Solution?

Experts offer the following tips when dealing with children who are experiencing separation anxiety. These tips aren’t guaranteed to get immediate results, but they will certainly put you on the right road.

  • Stand your ground. In other words, don’t give in to it. Make sure your children know they will be all right while you’re gone. Try to get them settled in the environment before leaving, and then leave. 
  • Leave, but don’t sneak off. If you sneak away, your children won’t trust you, making the separation worse. In other words, don’t just “disappear” and think you’ve outsmarted them. This disappearing act isn’t helpful for future drop offs. 
  • Compliment your children’s brave behavior. Encourage your children, reminding them how well they handled other times when you were gone. Using a favorite character of theirs, say something like, “Tommy Pickles is so brave when his mommy and daddy leave him at Angelica’s house. I wonder what he would do if he were here?” 
  • Talk to your children about what’s going to happen. In other words, don’t wake your children one morning and whisk them off to daycare, never having prepared them for it. Spend some time talking to your children about what to expect, assuring them that you’ll return to get them. 
  • Establish a ritual. When leaving, try to do the same things every day, creating a comfy routine for your children. Try something like this: kiss them, hug them and then say, “I love you. See you later, alligator!” and then wave goodbye. Try doing this exact same thing every day until it becomes automatic for you and your children. 
  • Push the positives. Talk to your children about the fun things that happen at daycare or school. You might call the teacher ahead of time and find out some of the fun activities they do each day so you’ll have some “positive ammunition” to use when plugging the daycare or school. In the same respect, don’t allow your children to dwell on the negative things that could happen. Turn the conversation to positive things: finger painting, snack time, computer games, field trips, etc. 
  • Make sure your children get enough rest. If they’re tired, they’ll be cranky. It’s a known fact. So, avoid crankiness by ensuring your kids get enough sleep. On an average, preschoolers require 11 hours; kindergarteners and first graders require eight to 12 hours, and young grade school kids need about eight to 10 hours. 
  • Just know the crying will stop. Most of the wailing stops within a few minutes of your leaving, so take comfort in that reality. Don’t feel guilty about leaving a crying child. And, remember, crying is an indication of stress and should be allowed. A little crying is normal. Give your newly established routine two weeks. Most children will have adjusted in that amount of time. 

 

Michelle Medlock Adams is an award-winning writer living in Fort Worth, Texas. She writes for newspapers and magazines around the country, as well as crafting children’s books and inspirational nonfiction. Her current releases are: "Sister for Sale" by Zonderkidz, "Why I Love You, God" by Concordia Publishing House, "Little Lessons From a Big God: Finding More of God Through the Lives of Your Children" by Lion’s Head Publishing and "Living the Love Chapter" by Lion’s Head Publishing.