The experience of separation, even a brief one, is important for both parents and children. Certainly during the first years, the sorrow of parting is challenging and can stir intense emotions and parent stress. But there are many techniques—including reading popular children's books—to help ease the way.

Separations start early and continue through life, from the very first time a baby crawls away from his mother’s sight, first time with a sitter, or a visit with grandparents, to getting ready for preschool and the start of kindergarten. Eventually we come to learn that separation is a part of life. 

A Normal Baby Response to Saying Goodbye

The young child, however, has limited experiences. Cognitive and emotional abilities are just developing, so separations seem like forever. For babies, separation is tough: It arouses a mixed bag of feelings and stress in children, from sadness to grief to anger.

In fact, children build a sense of self through these series of separations and rejoinings. Indeed, separation is a process, not a problem. This process is integral to maturation and moving on in life.

As parents we can meet the expressions of separation anxiety when they surface with understanding and concern. It’s vital we try to facilitate the process, offer support and recognize that it’s a normal childhood fear so that children can develop a sense of control and self-esteem and realize they can cope with uncomfortable feelings. 

Not a Negative Emotion

Separation anxiety is an emotion we assume is negative, but in order to have this feeling in the first place we need to feel we have something to lose. This is a healthy response to a threat of being left alone. The young child is saying, “I love you,” “I’m attached” and “Don’t leave me.”

This bittersweet expression is healthy and necessary, even though it causes pain. When a child enters school she faces her fears in a new and unfamiliar setting.

Children have all kinds of feelings about leaving the safety of their families and entering a group of unfamiliar people. Some may be stoic, others might weep, and others may kick and scream. These are all within the normal range.

It’s hard to predict what type of reaction your child will have. If it’s the first time he is away from home, be prepared to spend some time offering solace and acknowledging that although saying goodbye is hard, we always come back. 

Turn into a Positive Experience

We can help lessen the anxiety associated with separation by listening closely to what our child is communicating. Acceptance of our children’s fear, sadness and anger is essential.

While separations are difficult, we can provide our children with reassurance that we are returning. If the transition is turned into a positive learning experience, eventually the child will come to know that separations and reunions are a part of loving and being loved.

Here are some tips to take the sting out of separations and turning partings into a growth experience:

  • Prepare your child for the change as far in advance as possible
  • Visit the school with your child before enrollment
  • Express enthusiasm for all the fun things your child will be doing
  • Paint a positive picture of the experience by talking to your child about the other children, toys and activities
  • Encourage your child to talk about concerns and let her know it’s okay to be sad, angry and excited at the same time
  • Read stories about animals and children who have successfully coped with separations
  • Take a family snapshot so she can take it along with her
  • Arrange your schedule so you have extra time to spend with your child during the adjustment period
  • Do not sneak away -- although tempting -- it’s not a good practice. Try to develop your very own goodbye ritual.

Suggested resources: Following is a list of classic tales involving separations and joyous reunions. While instilling the love of the written word, your child can symbolically work through fears and delight in the quality together time:

"Goodnight Moon" by M.W. Brown, Harper and Row, 1947

"You Go Away" by D. Corey, Albert Whitman, 1976

"The Goodbye Book" by Judith Viorst, Anthneum, 1988

"Hello, Goodbye" by David Lloyd

 

Dawn Marie Barhyte is a freelance writer.