We’d all like to think we live in a corner of Garrison Keillor’s Lake Woebegone, where all the kids are above average.
I was sure my three children were budding geniuses. Preschool teachers would rave about their quick grasp of complicated concepts such as shapes and letters. By the time they were ready for kindergarten, I found myself checking out articles about Ivy League schools and Olympic athletes.
Then my children started school, and reality hit. I can remember when my oldest son was in second grade. Night after night we would clear away dinner and sit down at the dining room table for our daily homework disaster. I always left spelling for last. After all, the test wasn’t until Friday and the rest of the homework was due tomorrow. By the time it was 10 or 11 p.m., my curly haired cherub was anything but angelic, sliding off his chair under the table, standing on his head, singing nonsense—anything to shut me and his homework out.
Somehow we never would get to spelling. It turned out all three of my children were learning with disabilities. They had one version or another of Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD. My son still can’t spell worth beans. But ADD treatment helped him make it through high school with flying colors, and he is now a junior in college.
It wasn’t always easy, however, trying to figure out what to do when our kids' learning disabilities made caused problems.
“That’s very typical,” said Gayle Green, assistant superintendent and chief academic officer at the Macomb Intermediate School District. “You never love anyone or have more hopes for anyone other than your child. You’re just sure that your child is the brightest, and the cutest and the sweetest little individual God ever put breath into.”
“And then of course, when reality sets in it sometimes becomes very difficult," Green said. “When it becomes destructive is when the parent refuses to see that the child has many strengths, but they also have some things they need to work on.
Listening to a Learning Disability
Learning disabilities are a scary issue for parents. Long before you hear anything about it, your child’s teacher will have her suspicions. If those suspicions persist, sooner or later he will request a conference to break the news.
“I’m the mother of a learning disabled child,” said Green, “and I was devastated at the first IEP [a parent-teacher meeting to create an Individualized Education Program for students with special needs]. And I’m a trained educator. Then I gathered myself together again. [I] said, ‘[I’m] the adult in this situation and it’s my job to see that she gets what she needs.”
A learning disability means your child learns differently, not that your child can’t learn. Talk to the teacher and school experts to find out what they think the problem is. Then make an appointment with an outside expert to get your own diagnosis.
Remember, putting a name on your child’s difficulty is the first step to finding the right solution. Once you’ve identified the problem, you have a start on helping your child find the learning strategy that will lead to success. Problems that aren’t dealt with in the elementary years can close off college and career options later.
Bad Behavior's Often Overlooked Roots
Discipline is the art of changing behavior, and there are lots of ways to practice it. Sometimes the hardest but most effective thing is to recognize when your standard tactic isn’t working and try something new.
Especially when behavior changes suddenly, try digging for any frustrations that may be at the root of your child’s behavior. Take an honest look for family fractions, peer problems and other issues.
No problems at home? Talk to your child and her teacher about what she finds frustrating at school. Kids who are falling behind often act tough, silly or sullen to hide feeling stupid; kids who don’t feel challenged may find destructive ways to use their excess energy. Gifted children sometimes need as much extra attention as those with other special learning needs.
You may even want to test for a learning disability or special aptitude. Green’s two-year-old had a bad habit of biting other kids. She later found he was frustrated because he couldn’t hear well. Tests confirmed it. When she solved that, the biting went away.
The one thing you can’t afford to do is ignore behavior issues. They’ll only get worse as your child approaches the teen years. If you can’t find a strategy to change the behavior, make an appointment with your family pediatrician, a counselor or clergy member to help.
Daniel Gets a “D”
Sometimes the biggest shock of all is simply realizing that your pre-school Einstein is, well, average. All the parental dreams of those early years evaporate into a chalk-choked haze. There is one sure-fire plan of action here: Get over it.
Then get at what the “D” really means. Does Daniel not understand the subject, or did he not put in the effort? Did the whole class stumble on this test, or did he just have a bad day?
The effects of grade inflation are still being debated, but what has become clear is that grading is less of an exact science and more of a way for the teacher to send signals home. Teachers say they often add up effort, attitude, and the quality of work to decide the grade. They also are influenced by how other kids in their class are doing. So an “A” at one school could mean a “B-” at another.
What is clear is that sending home a “D” is a sign that Daniel needs help. A string of “D”s means he needs serious help. But ask the teacher what kind of help: a nudge to work harder, some extra practice at home, or tutoring to help him master the topic.
Of course not everyone can be above average. But with your love and active support, you can help your child recognize his strengths and strengthen his weaknesses.
Peggy Walsh-Sarnecki is an education reporter with three children.