The other children were seated around the table, ready for lunch, but Scott was being his usual disagreeable self.
“Time for lunch, Scott,” I called.
“No!” came the defiant reply as he continued playing.
I had worked with this particular pre-school class before, and Scott was always a royal pain. There were moments of obedience when he could be pleasant for short periods of time, but usually my patience was gone long before the children went home.
On this occasion I came close to yelling at him, something in the “You get over here this minute or else!” category, but that was not an effective technique for discipline in school.
I refused to blow up. I was really attempting to give him as many positive experiences as possible. From what I had heard, he had plenty of negative experiences at home.
I looked at Scott. He was not moving toward the table.
“Scott,” I began. “Which chair would you like to sit in?”
Grammatically perhaps it wasn’t the world’s greatest question, but it worked wonders with Scott. He immediately left the play area and came over to select a chair-- the one nearest me.
I thought about that during lunch. In fact, I did more than just think about it; I used the same approach later, giving Scott a choice rather than an order.
I didn’t say, for example, “Drink your milk.” That often prompted a “No.” Instead I asked, “Scott, would you like white milk or chocolate milk?” Since the chocolate milk was diluted with white milk anyway, there was little difference, but he was given a choice.
“Chocolate,” he said.
“Please?”
“Please.”
I could say that giving Scott choices turned him into a model child and we had no more trouble with him, but that wasn’t the case at all. However, when I did give him a choice, whether it was in choosing a game to play or a book to read, it did seem to make a difference most of the time.
Activities for Preschoolers Offer Opportunities for Choices
I’ve been substitute teaching for a long time, and most of my students are older than pre-schoolers such as Scott, but many of the same principles apply at any age. And I feel confident that many of them would work at home as well as in the classroom.
Giving children a choice gives you more control than you might think, because you are the one who decides what the choices will be.
For example, it would be foolish to give most children a choice between doing their homework and watching television, but how about letting them decide whether they’ll do spelling and then math, or the other way around? There could be other choices after homework is completed.
I’m not suggesting unlimited choices, just the ones you think are appropriate for the occasion. While it leaves you in control, it also gives the child the feeling that he has some rights.
This can work in the area of discipline as well. Would the child rather miss TV for a night or two, be grounded, or go to bed early? As before, the options are up to you, but the child gets to choose.
It is very easy for adults to forget what it was like to be children, always being told what to do, where to go, what to wear, when to speak, etc. Admittedly some parents who felt overly restricted as children go the other way, allowing their own children too much freedom. This can be even worse than too much discipline.
There is one important thing to remember if you are going to give your child a choice. Be ready to accept his choice as final, assuming that it is appropriate. In other words, don’t give him a choice if there really is no choice and you’re going to force him to do what you want anyway.
In Scott’s case, I was willing to let him select any chair at the table which wasn’t already occupied. (On one occasion he wanted to sit in a chair already occupied by Lori, so of course he had to choose again.)
This principle of giving children choices can revolutionize your home, if you handle it correctly. If you have more than one child, impartiality is very important. Avoid giving one child the freedom of choice and the other child whatever is left over.
Should children be allowed to choose what they eat? In certain areas, yes, and long before they are old enough to be aware of vitamins and other nutritional factors. But again, the parent will provide the guidelines. If you are shopping for breakfast cereal, you should show the child a number of cereals from which to choose (hopefully those which are not sugar-coated!). The same can be done with fruits and vegetables, and even meat.
Obviously it is not necessary or practical to follow this procedure every time, but it can make a big difference in your relationship with the child and also help his self-esteem if you let him choose on a regular basis.
Life involves decision-making. Many children grow up unable to make decisions intelligently simply because they have had so little experience. Parents and teachers told them what to do and when to do it.
Certainly there will be times when your child will not be able to choose, when your judgment as a parent will have to suffice, but these times should be balanced with choices the child can make.
Try giving your children choices instead of orders. You may be in for a pleasant surprise. It worked with Scott!