Question:
I am a mother to 2-year-old Matthew and 1-year-old Brittany. Since Brittany has been up and mobile, Matthew has started to bite and hit her.
Since my husband went overseas to work in June, Matthew has become more aggressive. He never listens to me. He looks at me and laughs. I have tried biting him back, putting soap in his mouth, timeouts and spanking. But it has only gotten worse. What am I doing wrong? I always hoped to be a good parent, but I am not. I can’t get him to behave.
–S. K., Freeport, Texas
Dr. Brazelton:
You sound as if you are feeling deserted and overwhelmed. These feelings may be causing you to ignore Matthew’s pain and turmoil and see only his symptoms. Try to see things from his perspective. He has lost his father. His baby sister has become a mobile toddler who is into his things. When he hits or bites, you desert him.
How about turning things around by picking him up to cuddle him when he’s not misbehaving? When he does do something wrong, try to be understanding. You can help him learn to handle his anger in other ways. When you see him getting upset with his sister, break in to help him before he bites or hits her. Help him learn to bite on a toy or hit a punching toy to release his frustration. Eventually, when she’s a bit older, you will be able to let Brittany learn to manage her brother herself.
It’s surely not easy being a single parent, but don’t see yourself as a failure. Matthew is a normal little boy who is understandably upset. Start sharing his feelings with him.
Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168.
Copyright 1999 by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.