Parents' relationships with their own parents can cause stress in their children and themselves if there are unhealthy patterns of behavior. The holidays can bring out those unhappy feelings, negative issues, and old patterns, but adults can choose to change those patterns for healthy ones, as this personal story shows.

The carol calls it "the most wonderful time of the year," and yet I was anything but happy.

I knew what time of year it was -- time for the annual visit to my parents' house. The songs make it sound so joyful, but all I felt was sheer dread. I didn't have a great relationship with my parents, so I prepared for a long weekend filled with the gifts of judgment, undermining, irrationality and resentment. The thought of it weighed heavily on my heart and mind.

But it didn't just affect me -- my kids felt it, too. As has become tradition, I started fussing with them, losing my temper and becoming impatient. In short, I was taking the fun out of Christmas for my family. My misery was making them miserable. It wasn't fair.

I realized something had to change. I needed either to sever the relationship with my parents or work to make peace. I chose peace -- for myself and for my children. 

Making Peace

The first step in making peace is recognizing the problem.

"In families there are patterns that are passed down through generations,” explains Dr. Patty Roth, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in parent-child relationships. “These patterns are so strong that we tend to revert to the negative parts of the old patterns.” 

Many of the things our parents do are exactly what their parents did. And if you don't make a conscious effort to break the mold, you may end up repeating the patterns with your own children.

Unfortunately, breaking the mold is easier said than done.

Dr. Paddy S. Welles, a popular therapist and speaker, recalls, “My mom used to shake her finger in my face. I hated it. Every time she did it I just wanted to bite her finger.”

Welles swore that she would never do that to her children. One day her son did something that made her angry, and she caught herself shaking her finger at him.

“When I saw it, I felt humiliated,” she remembers.

Later she shared with her mother how much she hated the practice, and asked her why she did it.

“She thought for a while, and said, ‘Well, my mother used to do it to me.’” 

Reprogramming

“Our first intimacy is always with our parents,” explains Dr. Welles. “They push our buttons because they installed them.”

However, we react the same way when others push those buttons. Making peace is the first step in reprogramming ourselves -- and making life better for our families.

“If we don’t make peace with our parents, we will project our anger for them on everyone we live with,” she says.

It’s like a volcano ready to erupt -- you never really know when it’s going to happen, but anyone in the vicinity can be hurt.

After working to make peace with her parents, Apryl Chapman-Thomas, a writer from Athens, Georgia, noticed an improved relationship with her husband.

“We’re more open with each other, and we talk more,” she says. She also believes that making peace will make her a better parent. “I won’t let what happened to me affect my child. ... It’s like I’m wiping the slate clean for her.” 

Seeking Peace

Making peace with your parents is a journey. It requires patience and persistence because it will not happen over night. Here are some suggestions for working toward peace: 

  • Put anger aside. “We cannot see our parents clearly as long as we are angry,” Welles says. 
  • Lighten up. Don’t make the situation worse than it is. Being lighthearted and adding a bit of humor allows you to step back. “When you lighten up it takes you above the circumstances and allows you to see more options,” Roth says. 
  • Lower your expectations. No parent is perfect. It is important to remember that your parents are human, and they did the best they knew how to do. Welles says, “All parents want to love their children, but if they weren’t well loved, they have a hard time knowing the best way.” 
  • Let down your defenses. Harboring anger or resentment is a defense mechanism that keeps you from being hurt again, Welles says, “Healthy children need to have defense mechanisms. Healthy adults need to work at letting them go.” If you don’t, you give your parents the same power they had when you were a child. 
  • Take responsibility. You have control over your own thoughts, behaviors and attitudes. Roth suggests, “Examine and control what you can.” 
  • Seek understanding. Try to see the issue from you parents’ perspective. “We tend to look at things from our own point of view,” says Welles, but we need to understand that our parents did the best they could. She suggests sitting down with your parents and talking openly with an open heart. “Listen to their perception of the circumstances,” she advises. 
  • Let it go. Get it out however you can -- whether by talking with your parents, writing it down, screaming in the woods, or taking a whiffle ball bat to a pillow, Welles offers. “Just get the garbage out.” 
  • Don’t give up. “Even if you try a lot of things and feel you’re not getting anywhere, don’t give up. It is such an important relationship, you really need to keep plugging along,” Roth says. 

The Journey

As I work to make peace with my parents, I am also finding peace within myself. By letting go of the anger and resentment, I have more room for happiness and love. The journey is not always easy, but the rewards are worth it.

This year, the holidays truly were the most wonderful time of the year -- for my family and for me.



Lisamarie Sanders is a teacher and mother of two.