We've often heard the phrase presenting a united front in relation to disciplining children, but must parents always agree about discipline? Can a mom and dad with two completely different parenting styles come together with regard to discipline? How important is consistent discipline for kids?
Differences of Opinion on How to Discipline Kids
Experts agree that although agreement on all discipline issues is the ideal, complete consistency is nearly impossible. Ray Levy, Ph.D, author of Try and Make Me! (Rodale Press 2002), says, "Sometimes you'll find parents who are pretty close, and that's nice, but it's really rare." However, he adds, there usually isn't a tremendous disparity when the parents' relationships with each other and the children are healthy. "One parent might want the kids in bed by eight, while the other might prolong the bedtime routine so they don't get to bed until eight-thirty." He says this type of difference is common and nothing to worry about.
"When there are wide discrepancies, usually that's a sign of another problem," Levy says. For example, if one parent says it's time for bed, and the other parent ignores bedtime and starts an activity with the child, there may be something more going on. In these cases, Levy suggests getting the help of a third party, such as a trusted family member, close friend, or professional counselor. "With any kind of huge disparity you need to get help," he says.
Levy says that for most kids, presenting a united front isn't as important as we may think it is. "It depends on the temperament of the child," he says. "My wife and I have a child with an easygoing temperament. We don’t always agree on discipline, and that's OK because our daughter knows how to negotiate and she's fine with it."
However, some children, especially those with difficult temperaments, need the consistency that comes from a united front. In this case, Levy encourages parents to come together to tackle one issue at a time. "Pick one battle (to fight as a united front) and win it," he says. "Then move on to the next." Success reinforces the unified front and will help you move on to bigger battles.
Parenting Styles on Toddler to Teenage Discipline
Because parents grew up in different households, they often have different ways of thinking about discipline and dealing with discipline issues. For example, one spouse may have been raised in a family of yellers, while the other was raised in a family that discussed misbehavior and enforced logical consequences. Naturally, these parents are likely to have different discipline styles.
Susan Fletcher, a licensed psychologist and relationship expert in Dallas, believes that experiencing different parenting styles is good for children. "It benefits kids if parents have different styles because, if you think about it, they're going to encounter different personalities for teachers, peers, and bosses, and they need to learn to adapt to different styles."
However, she adds, parents should still have some sort of discipline plan. "You have to agree on the basic routines, but you don't always have to agree on the way you implement them," she says.
Working Out Parents' Issues Privately
Many parents, like Vicki Main, a mother from Gig Harbor, Washington, think it's best to be unified in front of the children and discuss differences privately. "[My husband and I] decided that we had to back each other up, even if one didn't agree with what the other was doing," Main says. They believed that having their disagreements behind closed doors rather than arguing in front of their daughter would help the child respect both parents' authority.
Courtney D. Knowles, a spokesperson for the Institute for Equity in Marriage, agrees with this philosophy. "If you and your spouse were having a problem with an in-law, you wouldn't choose to talk about the problem and how you were going to solve it in front of that person," he says. The same is true with your children. He suggests, "Make a private space to discuss the situation so you are on the same page and you're presenting a unified front instead of an argument."
However, Susan Fletcher believes that disagreeing in front of the children can be helpful. "When we don't have a united front, it's an opportunity to teach our kids negotiation skills and respect for each other," she says, both of which are important life skills.
These skills are not taught by arguing and trying to win your partner over to your side, though. When you present your spouse with "Let me tell you why I think it's okay," or "Come on over to my side and agree with me," you're trying to defend yourself, and focusing on the issue, not the relationship. "And when you do that," Fletcher says, "you're teaching your children to argue with you."
Instead, she says, parents should work out a compromise. Suppose, for example, that dad wants to color with his daughter, but it's bedtime. Mom might begin an unproductive argument like this: "This is not a good time for coloring. It's bedtime and she needs her sleep. You can color with her tomorrow." A better way of handling the situation, one that teaches negotiation and respect, might go something like this: "Let's get into our pajamas and brush teeth now, and then you can color with Daddy in your room for a little while." This alternative meets the needs of both parents.
"In business we always find a way to negotiate. We should work for that in our families, too," Fletcher says.
Agree to Disagree on Some Parenting Issues
Sometimes, however, no matter how hard we try, a compromise cannot be reached. "It happened to us," says Fletcher. Her husband felt strongly that their children should have an allowance. She felt just as strongly that they should not. "We agreed to disagree," she says. "Sometimes kids can have an arrangement with one parent independent from the other parent."
In Fletcher's case, her husband set up an allowance for the children, but it doesn't involve her. "If we're in the store and my son doesn't have enough money for what he wants, I will not give him an advance on his allowance. That's an arrangement he has with his father not with me." She says her children understand this arrangement, and so they don’t even ask.
The Last Word
While it is a good idea to continue working toward a unified front, it is important to acknowledge that agreeing completely all the time is little more than a dream for most of us. Ray Levy suggests that parents evaluate their kids. "If they're doing all right at home, at school, and with their peers, then OK— if the parents don't always agree, I wouldn't make a big deal of it."
Lisamarie Sanders is a teacher and mother of two.