Schools may be too polite to describe parents' problems, but we’re not. Knowing what really drives people crazy is the first step in building a better relationship and improved parent teacher communication.
Here’s what teachers and principals have told us behind closed doors. We each have a bit of these characters in us.
Rate yourself to find which is your problem—or compare with your partner to start a fun conversation! Then try a solution to make sure your parent involvement in education doesn't burn bridges.
Forgetful Fred
Nice guy. Says he’ll meet the teacher at noon, chaperone the field trip and check his son’s homework nightly. But he’s 15 minutes late for one, never shows at the other and doesn’t like to bother his boy about lessons.
Solution: Stop with the nice stuff for awhile and make smaller promises. Next, take notes of exactly what you’re committing to with a specific date and time when it will be done. This really works: people will know you’re serious, and you’ll begin living up to your good intentions.
Behind-Your-Back Brenda
Brenda’s a big help at school. And she’s very concerned about its problems. She talks to everyone about them, except for the people she thinks are at fault.
Solution: Follow the chain of command and always start with the person who frustrates you. Don’t say anything to others that you haven’t already said to the person you think at fault. And in front of your kids, stop talking about staff altogether; it will confuse them about whether to obey adults at school.
Busy Bea
You would think she worked at the school. Bea gives and gives. What could be wrong with that?
Solution: Some teachers want parents in the classroom 24/7, but most don’t. Often it’s the “too much of a good thing” problem. Trying to find things for volunteers to do makes some teachers feel distracted from focusing on students. Ask yours how they like to teach and where you can add value. Maybe you can help more from home. Dropping in at daycare was fine, but at school schedule your visits to class in advance to avoid disrupting the lesson.
In-denial Dierdra
She responds to bad news about her son like a skilled lawyer, arguing that her son is never at fault. At home she may threaten him near death, but doesn’t like to enforce limits.
Solution: Thank people for having the courage to share bad news with you; you’re stronger knowing what they really think, even if you disagree. Then, ask what options you have to solve the problem. Pinch yourself every time you say “always” or “never” and reward yourself when you say “and” as in: “I know that junior is sometimes a sweetheart and sometimes he hurts others. What can we do about that?” Ask parents you admire what limits they’ve placed on their kids.
Demanding Dan
He tells the principal to make changes or else. He tells teachers everything they’re doing wrong, but never thanks them for what they’re doing right.
Solution: Don’t tell — ask. You’ll get more from people when you talk to them like you’re on the same team. Try starting conversations with, “I need your help.” Then explain your concern without blaming anyone. If you feel yourself slipping, say, “I’m sorry if I sound demanding; I just really want to do the right thing for my child.”
Absent Alice
She skips meetings and takes a week to return phone calls. Her daughter comes to school hungry and tired.
Solution: Being busy doesn’t make you a bad parent. Let the teacher know that though you may be hard to reach, you want to hear from her. Ask if you can use email or meet after hours. Keep a stash of fruit and breakfast bars — not candy bars — to grab and go when your child doesn’t get breakfast.
Bryan Taylor is president of EduGuide.