Question:

My 8-year-old son has recently developed a "school-phobia." He says he hates it and won't go. We've had some real arguments over the issue and on a couple of occasions, I've even given in and let him stay home. What can I do?

Answer:

School-phobia is a common cause of stress in children and can have a variety of causes. Your job is to play detective and try to find out what is behind your son's recent falling-out with learning.

Dr. Elaine McEwan, author of the book, "When Kids Say NO to School: Helping Children at Risk of Failure, Refusal, or Dropping Out," offers some things to look for at school: 

  1. Is he experiencing any types of bullying on the bus, on the playground, or in the lunchroom? If your son is afraid, he may want to stay home to protect himself. 
  2. Did he have a run-in with a teacher? Sometimes kids blow up a minor disciplinary event into a major worry. 
  3. Is he experiencing academic failure or frustration? When kids' grades slip, they may want to stay home to avoid tests, reading aloud or group discussion. 
  4. Did something embarrassing happen in class? He may be exaggerating the importance of an incident and avoiding a repetition.

If you don't find problems at school, begin looking at home:

  1. Is your son manipulating you to get his own way? Our willingness to drop other commitments to meet their needs is a powerful incentive for kids to develop school-phobia. 
  2. Have you recently had a change in your household, like a move, new baby, new job, or divorce? Kids sometimes fear they will miss something important or will be replaced by someone else if they leave home.

If your son can't -- or won't -- identify the problem, ask his teachers for ideas. If a genuine problem exists (harassment, test anxiety, stress at home), take steps to fix it.

If you can't identify a specific problem, don't be a wimp. Clearly tell your son, "I expect you to go to school every day. It's your job. If you're having a problem at school, let's talk about it and come up with some solutions."

Enlist the help of your child's teacher and principal. McEwan tells of a time when, as principal, she even drove to a child's home to pick her up and deliver her to school. That cured her school-phobia once and for all. Drastic problems often call for drastic measures.