"That child needs to see a doctor right away. There’s definitely something wrong with him."
I looked down at my six-month-old son, who was using every ounce of his normal baby lung capacity to produce his heart-wrenching wail. Then I looked at the complete stranger who offered the advice.
Yeah, right lady, I thought. The simple truth was the child wanted to be picked up. His cry was a stubborn way of making sure I understood his request. My arms laden with purchases, I offered the "kind" stranger a smile and slowly aimed the stroller toward the check-out lanes.
Everyone, it seems, wants to offer new parents advice to calm a baby: the supermarket check-out clerk, the woman at the bus stop, the next-door neighbor, and especially our relatives and friends. Advice can unnerve new parents who are not yet confident in their abilities. Advice from strangers can be accepted politely, filtered, and when necessary, ignored. Advice from well-meaning friends and relatives is another matter altogether. It's one of the most challenging of new parents' issues.
Relative Importance
Even when we disagree with our relatives, it is important to remember their feelings. They give advice with love and concern. When we choose to raise our children differently than they raised us, our parents may think we are critical of their parenting style. We should assure them we know that they loved and cared for us.
Read and Right
Knowledge is the best weapon against unwanted advice. We can read all the parenting information we can get our hands on. The more we know, the more confident we will be. As an issue with a relative arises, we can research our resources. Newspaper and magazine clippings can go a long way to validate our point of view.
Mother May I?
We can turn the tables and ask a relative or friend for advice on matters that could become an issue between us. "Mother Smith, the doctor has said I can start Mary on fruits now. Which one do you think I should give her first, peaches or pears?" "Gail, what ointment do you recommend for Derick’s diaper rash?" Asking for input helps our family know that we value them. It also makes the times when we truly disagree more manageable.
What’s Up Doc?
A child’s doctor can be our best resource for parenting advice. Today’s parents handle issues like discipline, baby’s first foods, and even toilet training differently from our parents’ generation. After discussing problem issues with the doctor, we can say, "Aunt Edith, your mashed potatoes are wonderful, but Doctor Lamm doesn’t want Susie to start solid foods until she is six months old." Again, we can provide supporting pamphlets from the doctor’s office.
Tag Along With Me
We can invite our relative or friend along on a well visit with the doctor. In that way, they can talk one-on-one with the child’s pediatrician. Or we can invite Grandma to visit with our friends who are new parents so she can see that our views aren’t much different from theirs.
If All Else Fails
Often, we can "ignore" unwanted advice from relatives, too. We can gracefully accept their opinions and quietly not act on them. This technique works well for those who do not live nearby: "Elizabeth, I think you should not pick the baby up every time he cries. You will spoil him." "Thank you mother, I’ll try not to spoil Matthew."
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can’t agree or avoid the issue. In the end, you may try compromise: "Dad, you know I don’t like the kids to have lots of candy. Perhaps you can limit sweets to once a week?"
No Room for Compromise
Sometimes, compromise isn’t possible. When it comes to issues like using car seats or spanking, it is best to be honest about our views and spell out our expectations: "Yes Mother, I know that we never had car seats when I was little. But today, research has proven that the seats save lives. In order for Jimmy to ride in your car, he must be buckled into the car seat."
Whatever method we choose, we need to help friends and relatives feel that we value their input, even though we may occasionally disagree with them.
Mom and Dad Know Best
In the end, we need to trust our instincts. No one knows our child better than we do, not even our doctor. We can tell when our child is sick or when he is just throwing a temper tantrum. When we learn to handle unwanted advice and educate ourselves about the needs of our children, we then can make the best decisions regarding their care.
Lynn Dean is a Colorado writer and the mother of three children.