Question: My child says the teacher hates her. The teacher seemed puzzled about this when I asked her about it at conferences. Where do I go now?
Dr. Roth: Parents often disregard the child who says a teacher hates them by saying, “Oh, no, your teacher likes everybody.” In fact, teachers are human and they do not like everybody equally. But they are required to tolerate and help each child.
Some children misunderstand teachers’ intentions. For example, a highly sensitive child might feel the pain of another child if a teacher raises his voice. She may even take it personally as if it was about her. That child needs tools to say to herself that the teacher was concerned about a challenging child’s behavior, not about hers. Some children do not know how to express their needs and they become difficult in the classroom. If the teacher is reactive, not solution oriented, then a child can be misunderstood.
Ask your child: “Tell me about something that makes you think your teacher does not like you.” Listen carefully to the answer and respond to the child’s concern, even if it seems preposterous. It may have merit.
Schedule a conference with the teacher and the child. Prepare your child to say that she does not feel the teacher likes her and why. Then listen carefully to the teacher. Look for clues about how your child got so unhappy. Listen for ways that indicate your child may have misinterpreted the teacher’s intent or actions. Listen to the teacher reassure your child. Does it sound sincere and heartfelt? Plan a solution or intervention before you leave the meeting.
Brandi Roth, Ph.D. is the co-author of two books for parents: Choosing the Right School for Your Child, (1995) and Secrets to School Success (2002), both published by Association of Ideas Publishing.
Check out Dr. Roth's website.