Do you cringe when you hear the words middle school or junior high? If so, then you are not alone. For many people, the middle school years cause teenagers stress and anxiety. So, how can we make the experience better for our kids? As the parent of a new junior high student, I went to Cheryl Mathews, a junior high counselor, for advice on how to ease stress in children as they enter middle school. Here’s what she said:
- Be upbeat about what lies ahead. “Don’t say things about your bad middle school transition,” suggests Mathews. Children assimilate “those feelings from their parents. They respect you and listen to you, even when they don’t appear to.” Instead Mathews suggests we capitalize on the positive aspects of the experience: a chance to learn about many different subjects, meet new people, and grow into a young adult.
- Recognize their fears and take teenagers' issues seriously. According to Mathews, most incoming seventh graders worry about being the “new kids on the block.” They have moved from being big fish in a little pond to being guppies in a huge lake. Some children are also afraid of the “big kids.” “One boy asked me if the older students really shoved kids into their lockers. I told him that things like that usually happen only on television. Tell your child that the school is a safe place. We are watching out for them.” Some fears seem minor to us, but are monumental to our children. They fear they will not be able to open their lockers. They are afraid they will forget which class they are supposed to go to. They are insecure about making mistakes. “Assure them that they are not alone in their feelings,” suggests Mathews. Give your child strategies to help her cope in these next few weeks. She can practice with combination locks at home. She can tape her schedule to the inside of her binder.
- Offer support. Talk to your child about the school day. Ask how things are going. “Be understanding and open. Time with your child is the most critical factor. Not the kind of time you spend when you are cooking dinner, but time alone together. But don’t ask too many questions,” warns Mathews. “Give them space.”
- Hold your child accountable. You can bet the teachers will. In junior high and middle school, your child is responsible for getting to classes on time. He is responsible for his grades and for completing homework assignments.
- Give your child the opportunity to make decisions on her own. What is a good bedtime? How much sleep does she need? Let her experiment, within reason. “But don’t let your child stay home from school just because she’s tired,” says Mathews. “Allow for natural consequences of her actions.” Provide resources to assist her decision-making process. “Let her read some articles on exercise and good nutrition. Help her use good common sense.”
- Pick your battles. Decide what is important to you and what you can let slide. If the outfit your child is wearing is modest and meets school guidelines, consider letting her wear it. “The bigger the deal you make of it, the more she is going to want to do it,” warns Mathews. “Be patient; be tolerant; it’s a phase.”
- Give them the tools they need to succeed. Although our children now bear much of the responsibility for the outcomes ahead, we still need to provide them with the right tools for success. Make sure they have a well-supplied area for homework that is free from distractions. In addition to a good dictionary, thesaurus and calculator, consider supplying your child with an academic planner. “Every child should have a planner,” advises Mathews. “And they need to be taught how to use it.” Choose a planner that has adequate room to record homework assignments, project due dates, and quiz and test dates for each class on your child’s schedule. Then help your child get in the habit of using it. “Many teachers post homework and other assignments on the board,” says Mathews. “Your child can use the time when students are settling in and the teacher is taking role, to record the appropriate information. The planner should be the first thing on the desk. Of course it doesn’t do much good if your child fails to bring the planner home.”
- Allow them the freedom to make mistakes. Mathews feels this is one of the most critical aspects of being a junior high or middle school parent. “Know that they will make mistakes. Expect it. They are on an emotional roller coaster. They are children one day and adults the next. They want to be different, but they want to fit in. This is a great time in their life to make mistakes. Know that you’ve done a good job. Know that this time will pass.”
Lynn Dean is a Colorado writer and the mother of three children. Her oldest entered junior high last fall.