"Mom, the teacher must have made a mistake. I got a D in science, but it must be a mistake because I think I got all As and Bs on my tests!" cried my 12-year-old son Jake, handing me his second quarter report card. I discovered that for the first time Jake had failed to make the middle school learning honor roll. This kid's grades were very good with the exception of the D in science.

I was as shocked as he professed to be! I didn't know what to think. Had he flunked a test or missed an important assignment? As I studied the report card more closely, I noted the low science grade was accompanied by a below-average effort grade in science. It looked like the D was no mistake.

There were no family ideas I could share with Jake until I found out more details. Hiding my own agitation, I simply hugged him, telling him that before we did anything, I needed to speak with his science teacher.

The science teacher informed me that Jake had not done well on most of his tests and that his failure to hand in two assignments earned him the D grade in the middle school classroom. When I told the teacher that I wished I had known about these problems before the end of the quarter, he responded that I should have known. All tests were sent home with Jake, and Jake was responsible for showing them to us. I set up a conference for the following morning.

That evening, my husband, Pat, and I told Jake about my phone conversation with his teacher and of our planned conference for the next morning. We were upset with his poor science grade, but we were even more upset that he had deceived us about his science grades throughout the quarter. He was very apologetic about his lack of honesty and poor grade.

We explained to Jake that his failure to hand in his homework assignments had pulled his grade down significantly. Jake replied that the assignments were turned in to the teacher and were misplaced. When the teacher informed Jake that he did not have those assignments, Jake did not feel the need to redo them. Jake strongly disagreed with me when I told him it was indeed his responsibility to redo the work.

At the conference, the teacher told us that the issue was with Jake's low effort. Jake didn't have much of an explanation, but apologized and assured us and the teacher that he would work hard to bring up the grade.

Later, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on. Jake generally enjoys his classes and takes great pride in his high grades. He is typically forthright and honest.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for Jake was that the teacher's teaching style and Jake's learning style did not mesh. I explained to Jake that it was his responsibility to learn the material no matter what. I also explained that he needed to be able to learn from and work with all types of people. Jake could have asked me or his dad for additional help or he could have worked harder at home reviewing the material.

Pat and I agreed that how we responded to this was critical. We didn't want to make this a bigger deal than it was. At the same time, we wanted to emphasize that honesty and school effort are very important and that there are ways for him to overcome hurdles. We told Jake that while we do not expect him to earn straight As, we do expect him to put forth his best effort, which includes working hard in class, studying diligently for tests, and handing in all assignments on time.

After much discussion, Pat and I agreed on three courses of action: 

  • We would require Jake to write a paper on honesty, including what he had done wrong, why it was wrong, the consequences of his actions, and what he would do differently next time.
  • Jake and I would review his science lessons and assignments each night.
  • Jake would lose certain privileges, such as watching Friday night family movies and computer time, until he earned them back by receiving good grades on subsequent science tests.

Jake at first resisted the science review each evening. But after realizing that I was not going to back down, he settled in, worked hard and progressed quickly. One evening, he even commented, "Mom, this is kinda fun learning this stuff with you."

Jake's paper on honesty required a lot of thought and soul searching and was written from the heart. I hope it has served its purpose. As for Jake's privileges, he earned them back, taking great pride in bringing home his A science test grades. He was equally proud of the A grades he received on his various science homework projects, projects on which he now put in above-average effort.

I've thought more than once that this D grade may have been a blessing in disguise. Jake now realizes that there are consequences for being dishonest, for not doing his best, and for not handing in all required assignments. He has learned, the hard way, that it is his responsibility to learn his school material, regardless of what method he chooses to use. He knows that despite obstacles and roadblocks he may meet along the way, he can choose to work hard to overcome them and earn the results he wants.

And most important, he has been reminded that his parents are his partners, and that we're always ready to help him face life's myriad hurdles with generous doses of guidance, encouragement and love. 


 

Marian Gormley is a mother and freelance writer in Falls Church, Virginia. This article first appeared in "Welcome Home."