"My kids never tell me anything. They come home from school, go to their rooms, spend hours on the computer, come out for dinner, go back to their rooms, make dozens of phone calls, watch TV or go off to the mall with their friends. I ask about school and their friends and their activities. I go to their sports events, and I let them have friends over all the time. The books say show an interest and your kids will talk to you. Well, I show an interest in my teenagers' problems. But they just don't seem interested in talking, at least to me." These are the comments I often hear from frustrated parents, parents who want better communication with the middle-schoolers and high-schoolers in the family. It's not easy to parent teenagers.
Let's face it, like anyone else, kids need their space. There are bound to be times when your kids will not be inclined to talk to you. However, if your children seldom seem interested in talking to you, you may want to do something about it. Where do you start? Start with turning yourself into a better listener.
Listening Styles
There are many listening styles, and some are much more effective than others. How do you find out what your style is? You start by listening to yourself. I recommend doing this first in a situation with a friend. Let's say your best friend comes in very upset and begins to tell you about the trouble she has been having with a co-worker at the office. As your friend talks, monitor your responses. Listen to your own listening behavior.
First, pay attention to your attentiveness.
Do you hear her out? Do you allow her to finish sentences and complete thoughts? Do you stay focused on what she is saying? Does your body language indicate that she has your full attention? Or do you interrupt frequently? Does your mind wander? Do your eyes dart to the newspaper on the table; do your hands straighten the clutter on the counter? Do you jump up to feed the cat when he wanders by or to call the dog in from outside? In short, are you listening to what your friend is saying and does she know you are?
Second, pay attention to how much you talk.
How much do you hear yourself talking? As much as your friend? Less than your friend? About the same amount? If she's the one with the problem, she's the one who should be talking the most.
Third, pay attention to what you're saying.
What are you saying to her? Are you commenting on her experience or on experiences of your own that seem to relate to hers? She wants to talk about her problem, not yours—about herself not you. "But," you may say, "when I talk about my own similar problem, it shows I understand hers." Perhaps, but she needs to discuss her own situation not someone else's.
Are you giving responses that show you understand the feelings she's expressing? Are you making her feel that it's all right to have those feelings? Or do your responses negate her feelings in some way? "You're making a mountain out of a molehill; you'll feel better about this in the morning" will not help. "You are so upset; I know that made you feel terrible; You sound so frustrated" will—if you say the words with obvious caring and concern.
Fourth, pay attention to how you try to help.
Loving parents want to help. But quick solutions can sometimes hurt more than they help. For example, are you a Ms. Fixit? A Mr. Critical? Little Ms. Sunshine?
If, as you listen to yourself, you find that one or more of these labels describes your listening behavior, then it probably describes at least some of your listening behavior with your family. A Ms. Fixit or Mr. Critical in one listening situation is usually a Ms. Fixit or Mr. Critical in many other situations. As you listen to yourself, you may find other labels that apply, but these are three of the most common ones.
Fifth, pay attention to how you listen in other situations.
Listen to yourself with different family members and with various friends. Listen to yourself as you listen to others telling you about the good things happening in their lives. In each encounter, stay alert to what you are saying and doing. Do you repeat the same patterns? Are they patterns that promote communication or discourage it?
If you find that your listening behavior is very different with friends than with family members, then you need to ask yourself three questions: Why is this so? Which approach seems to promote good communication? How can I learn to use the more effective approach in all situations— particularly with my teenage children?
Becoming aware of your listening behavior is the first step in becoming a better listener. You can learn to hear a person out without interrupting. You can learn to use body language that indicates your full attention is on the speaker. You can learn to cut down the amount of your own speech. You can learn to not talk about yourself when someone else has a greater need. You can learn to respond to the feelings being expressed. And you can learn to avoid the quick fix approach, the hypercritical response, and the unrealistic, "everything's rosy" attitude.
Glenda Slater is a freelance writer, poet, and communications consultant in Wilmington, North Carolina.