When twelve-year-old Colin came home from school one day last week, he threw his books on the floor in anger and stormed through the house and up to his room “What’s wrong?” cried Susan, his mother, as she turned and set the dirty dishes back in the sink. “What’s wrong? Colin!”
She followed him upstairs as he started screaming, “I’m dumb and stupid, nobody likes me.” Tears streamed from his eyes. “I wish I was dead.”
Susan petted his hair comfortingly, as he buried his head in the pillow on his bed. “That’s not true. I like you,” she said sympathetically. But this is shallow comfort for a child in his middle school years. Believing your mother is your only fan and that you’re a “loser” among your classmates isn’t a good thing.
Reading the Signs
The facts are that most children reach a point at which classmates become the most important social factor in their lives. And many kids go through what’s considered to be a depression at least once during their childhood. For children, behavior often equals communication, so parents need to be alert to behaviors that communicate depression.
As a parent, you need to recognize the signs of childhood depression. For example, does your child often use words like sad, bored, and down in the dumps? Have his or her grades dropped recently? Has he or she become quieter than normal at home? Does your child spend a lot of time in his or her room alone?
There are also some less recognizable signs of depression. Some depressed children may become more argumentative and angry than normal. They may not eat as much at the dinner table. Or the sign might be as subtle as a child making less eye contact than usual.
Take Action
Depression in children is serious. If you try to make light of the situation, or your best answer is to tell your child to simply “be happy,” you may make things worse. If your child is depressed, talk with your pediatrician as soon as possible. Find out whether the symptoms signal a medical condition. If your pediatrician decides your child is going through a depression, he or she will be able to refer you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. The pediatrician will also be able to tell you whether you and your child can work on the problem at home.
Make sure you give your depressed child plenty of attention. Go above and beyond the call of parenting duty to spend time with him or her, just the two of you. Talk with your child each day about the day’s events. Make sure your child realizes that he or she can talk with you about anything at any time. You may want to make sure your child has your daytime phone number, in case he or she needs to talk during a break at school. (Check with your school first to make sure phone calls during school hours are permitted.)
Reach for Help
When deciding whether you should send your child to see a professional therapist, make the decision jointly with your pediatrician. Your pediatrician is trained in these matters and can offer help. Your child—especially your teenager—may try to fight seeking professional help. Let’s face it, seeing a professional therapist may not be the “cool” thing to do. But reassure him or her that you care and want to find out how to make him or her feel better. Tell your child that you don’t plan to tell any friends about this and that he or she doesn’t have to either.
A therapist can talk with your child alone and with you and your child together to attempt to find out his or her true moods and feelings. The therapist will ask your child to talk about concerns, fears, and other emotions. Typically, your child’s depression will be resolved after two to five months of therapy. If the depression is severe, therapy may take longer.
Work with the School
You may also want to talk with your child’s school guidance counselor about your son or daughter’s depression. Your child’s school likely has policies in place to build self-esteem and relieve depression. If you alert your child’s school to the depression you’ve discovered, school personnel may be able to keep an eye on activities surrounding your child: his or her interaction with other students with whom he or she is getting along and with whom he or she is in conflict. Many times the adults who witness these relationships can help resolve problems more effectively than you can as a parent.
When you talk with your child’s school officials, let them know as much as you can about your child’s situation. Tell them what specifically has him or her feeling down and what your child and you believe the solutions to the problems are.