If you’re asking, "How do I help my child grieve?" remember these two general rules: Children grieve differently than adults and they’ll struggle with grief both now and in the future. Ways to help depend upon your child’s age. Here are some tips for helping grieving children at various child development stages.

If you’re living with a preschooler, here are some things to remember. Three to five year olds:

  • Will sense a loss. They pick up nonverbal grieving from you, family members, and friends.
  • Don't understand death. They think dead people continue to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom in Heaven.
  • Have magical thinking. For example, preschoolers may believe if you walk on a grave, the person feels it; or if you had bad thoughts about the person, then you caused the death; or if you wish it, you can make them alive.

And because of their immaturity, be alert for these signs of stress in children:

  • Increased dependency on or clinging to you.
  • More tantrums.
  • Bed wetting or constipation.
  • Nightmares.

So what can you do to help?

  • Use the word "death" or "dead" never say "went to sleep" or "passed away." Get used to saying the word so it becomes less upsetting.
  • Answer questions in short sentences using simple, honest words.
  • Give comfort, hugging, touching as needed.
  • Stick to day and nighttime schedules including the same bed hour every night.
  • Dolls or pictures can help you answer questions or explain what happened.

If you have elementary age children from 6 to 12 years, remember they:

  • Struggle with death as being permanent. They may expect the dead person to return.
  • Believe death won’t happen to them.
  • May show a delayed response. It could be a week or a month later when they mourn.
  • Ask more questions about “what happened” or show interest in causes of death.
  • May confuse words like soul and sole or recount the death using incorrect words.

And because of their development they may have:

  • Loss of concentration resulting in poorer school performance or daydreaming.
  • Resistance to going to school.
  • Abdominal pain or nausea.

So what can you do to help?

  • Be prepared for resistance to bedtime or going to school.
  • Limit TV viewing of world tragedies that can feed more fears.
  • Read books together about death and dying.
  • As much as possible, keep the household routines, bedtimes, and mealtimes. Children feel safer when their life is comfortably predictable.

If you are parenting teenagers, they may see death as:

  • A natural enemy but “it won’t happen to me.”
  • Unavoidable so “What’s the purpose of life?” or “Why is life unfair?”
  • The natural result of the process of getting old.

And because of normal teenage development they may:

  • Feel guilty, angry, confused or even responsible for the death.
  • Stay up watching TV to avoid going to bed alone.
  • Try to relieve grief through jokes, laughing, or acting silly.
  • Struggle with not knowing how to feel, how to show emotions, or when to “act” a certain way.
  • Withdraw or feel panic about the future.

You can help teenagers by:

  • Being available anytime with a “listening shoulder.” Teens are unpredictable and can talk about death when you least expect it.
  • Answering all concerns. If you don’t know, be honest and say so.
  • Reminding them it’s the person’s life, not the death, that’s important.
  • Asking others such as ministers, youth leaders or friends to check on your teen if you don’t know how to handle certain situations.

Grieving is unique and personal. Reach out for help in guiding your children through it. Your community, church, family and friends can equip you in being the teacher each child needs.

"The Mourning Handbook: The Most Complete Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping with All Aspects of Death and Dying," by Helen Fitzgerald (Simon & Schuster, 1995) is one resource. When you give love, understanding and support you may be surprised at how well your children grow through grief.


 

Brenda Nixon is a parenting speaker and author.