If your grandchildren live at a distance, becoming an integral part of their lives can be difficult. After all, you don't see them every day. If it's been weeks or months since your last visit, it's hard to know how to proceed. When time is precious, you want every second to count. You want every second to be fun, memorable and intimate. But what if your grandchild just needs time to warm up to you? Should you jump into family home activities or wait for your grandchild to invite you into her toddler games?
 

Fortunately, many children have no trouble relating to new adults, but some young children do. Your goal should be to put the child at ease and attend to his needs. This can be both scary and frustrating -- for both of you.
 

In my years of work as a speech and language pathologist, I developed some simple guidelines for talking to very young children. Try them next time you see your little strangers.

  1. Get down to the child's level. The first thing I do is sit down, sometimes on a chair, but usually on the floor. This way, it is easy for the child to see me and I can see and hear him.
  2. Wait for permission to hug or touch. Physical contact will come about naturally when the child becomes comfortable. As communication develops, often the child will initiate contact, putting a hand on my arm or sitting on my lap.
  3. Begin by making statements, not by asking questions. So often adults approach little children with questions: "How old are you?" "What color is your shirt?" "What are your brothers and sisters doing?" Even simple questions like these can put pressure on a child. Also, questions give a child a chance to refuse to answer, which can set a negative tone. On the other hand, when we make comments about things connected to the child, we show we are interested in him, but we are not demanding anything.
  4. Find communication opportunities all around. Toys, simple household items and the outside world all can draw a child into conversation.
  5. Talk about yourselves. You might say: "I see your toes," or "Your shirt is red; mine is blue." Pause after each comment to allow time for the child to respond. The response may be non-verbal, but you will begin to forge a link.
  6. Talk about your environment. "This is a little bitty chair I'm sitting on; I'm too big for it." "Whoops, I dropped my pencil."
  7. Talk about what the child is doing. "You bounced the ball. The ball came to me."
  8. Reflect back what the child says. If she says to her stuffed toy, "Sit up, Tigger, and be good," you can respond with something like "You want Tigger to sit up." If she says, "You're going to stay with me today," you might say, "I'll be here with you." If she asks a direct question, of course, you should answer it.
  9. Let communication flow. Once the child has begun to talk directly to you and to involve you in activities, you can begin to let conversation flow naturally. As you get comfortable with this non-demanding approach, you will find that it will improve your conversations with all children in your life.

Glenda R. Slater is a freelance writer, poet and communication consultant in Wilmington, NC.