Whether you’re raising an only child or enough kids to field a baseball team, the size and shape of our families varies from home to home. Here’s a look at several different combinations—including their unique challenges and rewards—as told by mothers at various stages.
When my second daughter was born—six years after the first—I thought they’d never fight. My reasoning? There were so many years between them that they’d have different interests and not compete for toys or attention. I soon learned that same-gender sibs experience rivalry more frequently than opposite-gender ones, and I heard my share of arguing, nagging, and name-calling. My research told me to allow some bickering, and not interfere with every incident or referee each argument. When they came to me, I didn’t get hooked into their tattling. I used to teasingly say, “Come to me when there’s blood.” My girls got the message that I wasn’t going to step in unless the situation escalated toward physical or emotional pain. They are now young women and the best of friends. –Brenda
My five-year-old daughter Olivia and three-year-old son Kyle were watching an animal documentary on TV. After seeing a man tell about being chased by a grizzly, Olivia said, “If I saw a bear in the woods, I would run from it as fast as I could!” Kyle’s response? “Not me, I would turn around and fight that bear like this!” His enthusiastic air kicks reminded me of just how different my two kids are growing up to be, even though I feel like I’m raising them the same way under the same roof. –Jen
Last year, my middle son Jake started preschool and was completely uncooperative. He wasn’t nice to others, he didn’t want to participate, and he never wanted to go. This year he’s done a 180—he loves preschool! What we have discovered in retrospect is that Jake resented leaving the house during the morning last year, because his older brother Josh was home and available to play at that time. Last year, Josh was on the opposite schedule of afternoon preschool, while this year he’s in all-day kindergarten. Now Jake tells us he likes preschool because it helps pass the time before Josh is home again. We are happy about the brotherly love but wish we would have figured this out a year ago when we were going crazy over the behavior problems! Even though I have three sons, the youngest isn’t involved in this. Josh and Jake both see Collin as a baby, even though he just turned two! I wonder if they always will –Michele
My brother, sister, and I were all teenagers when my parents announced they were having a fourth child. Nothing could have prepared me for how my life as the original baby of the family would change. After the shock wore off, the excitement about a little sister began. It was a blast having a tiny girl around to dress in frilly outfits, drag to friends’ houses—even those nudges she needed to step out of the frame of my prom pictures are memorable. Still, I would never have thought with 13 years between us that one day I would be her matron of honor, Godmother to her son, and call her my best friend. –Kelli
My oldest son Will, who’s seven, has a great heart and is very compassionate. That said, I’m continually surprised by how much his five-year-old brother Alex can push his buttons—and how much he pushes back! Within about 30 seconds of being together, they bring out whiny, angry voices and negative attitudes that I’ve never seen them exhibit with their friends. Yet these same boys seemed to grow a new heart for their two-year-old sister. When Jenna was very sick recently, Will sat with her for the longest time, reading her books and letting her cuddle into his shoulder, giving her comfort that brought her to a peaceful state. –Fran
I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to potty-train my oldest the summer her brother was born. As if we weren’t experiencing enough upheaval in the house, now I was taking Sophia out of her comfort zone and asking her to grow up and make room for the new baby. It seemed important at the time to avoid having two kids in Pampers. But now I realize that doubling the diaper changes would have been so much easier than the months of training struggles we endured, as Sophia resisted the potty in favor of extra attention on the changing table. –Rebecca
My guilt makes this painful to admit, but I sat on my bathroom floor and cried when I found out I was pregnant with a fourth child. How would I ever manage a new baby when I already had a four year old, a three year old, and a five month old? The thought of trying to drag my oldest daughter to preschool with three other children in tow was absolutely overwhelming. But then I had Nathan and realized it was meant to be. With two girls 12 months apart and two boys 15 months apart, I never have to worry about inviting other kids over because our life is one big playdate. The relationship they have with each other has so many complex dynamics. They are enemies in the morning (they can argue about anything) and then by dinner are best friends again. –Kelli
Alyssa wanted a baby brother or sister for so long, but it took until she was eight years old to get one, and then our third came along shortly after. The age difference is tough on her, and the jealousy was horrible for a very long time. Being an only child for so long and having two more within 20 months complicated her life. She was so used to one-on-one attention from everyone and now she had to share. Now that they’re all older, Alyssa mothers the younger two. I can be in the same room and she’ll yell at them for something before I even open my mouth. –Jodi
When Rachel was born, she was quiet, reserved, calm—the perfect baby. When Rebecca arrived three years later, life changed. She started talking early and has never stopped. She’s currently seven, going on whatever age her older sister is at the moment! She’s always wanted to be part of the bigger-girl crowd. While different, it has been wonderful to watch how these sisters balance each other. If Rachel is too shy to talk, Rebecca will do it. If Rebecca is bouncing around when she should be orderly, Rachel will nudge her into proper behavior. Sure there are times when they disagree about what to play or how to play it, and times when Rachel wants privacy and Rebecca doesn’t understand being left behind—but there are also lots of great times. Doing their hair, painting their nails, playing with dolls, or surfing the net, there’s a sisterhood bond that’s evident. –Jennifer