For the first time in the two years since my husband and I decided to become a blended family and enforce parents' discipline together, life with our five children had been going smoothly—that is to say, the daily ups and downs felt fairly manageable.

Our new behavior modification program to discipline kids had been in place for about a month (mainly to help two out of the five children curb nasty comments and bad attitudes), and things were working out well for the family as a whole.

 

Should Have Known Better

But of course, I should have known better. By now, I have come to realize that these quiet times often just herald new family storms.

One recent morning the school principal called to let me know that my nine-year-old stepson had been teasing some of the girls in his class. He was calling them obscene names and getting other boys to join him. The principal warned that discipline in school required suspension if Michael's behavior didn't stop immediately.

Raising Michael sometimes reminds me of that story about the Dutch boy who uses his finger to block the town dike. As soon as we patch up one hole, the water seems to find another path, and we're flooded again.

Some of our new institutions were working -- the behavior modification program, family counseling, renewed recognition of consequences, and plain old consistent expectations -- and they had certainly done a lot to curb Michael's aggressive, surly behavior at home. In fact, he was getting perfect scores and earning the treats we'd set up for cheerful, cooperative behavior.

Nevertheless, the name-calling and foul language at school had been going on for months.

 

Time for New Consequences

As soon as I got off the phone with Michael's principal, I began to mobilize the village that has been helping us raise this new family. Michael's counselor, his father, his mother, the principal and I all talked and decided on some immediate consequences.

At school, he stayed in for recess. At home, he earned zero points (a perfect score is three) and, more important, he had to write letters of apology to the girls he'd been harassing.

We talked to Michael about the consequences of his actions, and as a result, he agreed to discuss the issue with his counselor instead of executing his customary stonewalling strategy. In this case, the consequence was that he would be kept from going on a much-anticipated trip with his step-grandmother, unless he agreed to talk about the teasing incident in counseling.

Michael's mother helped him with the letters of apology and postponed getting him the bike she had earlier promised him. His father talked to the parents of the girls, who felt that an in-person apology would go a long way toward repairing the damage.

As the final step, we had Michael meet with his parents, his counselor, and me to talk about the implications of his behavior. This meeting, with people he rarely saw in the same room together, made Michael realize just how serious the situation was.

As we talked, he grew more and more quiet and the tears rolled down his cheeks. At the discussion's close, we reiterated the consequences that would follow if such incidents were to happen again. We'd succeeded in making it clear to Michael that life would become much more restricted if he teased anymore, but we all felt that he'd reached his saturation point. It was time to end the meeting.

Reinforce Values

It turned out that serendipity was on our side: Just days after we learned of the teasing, Michael went on an already scheduled boys' weekend that hammered home the values of respect, honor and responsibility.

Along with 200 other boys, he played, swam and had a wonderful time -- but was also held strictly accountable for his actions. Although barely recognizable underneath all the grime, he returned home with another sort of new look, a look that meant he "got" something but wasn't ready to let the world know about it quite yet.

He did let us see his new dog tag, which bore the motto, "Respect, intelligence, gallantry, humor and truth." And he's been wearing it every day.

If I take my mom hat off for a minute and remember what it was like to be 9, I can recall various similar unpleasant incidents from my childhood. Like most kids, I was unable to see that my mischief had an impact on other people. It's part of the age and also part of the circuitous road that leads to moral development.

I know that the teasing began as a game between the girls and boys, but that the ante got upped too far and things got out of control. It probably felt delicious to use those forbidden words, and in all likelihood, Michael didn't think about the consequences of using them.

Learn from our Mistakes

It's clear that Michael would rather we let this whole thing go.

However, he has also learned a great deal over the past few weeks. He found out the hard way that he can't operate according to one standard at home and another when he thinks he's away from adults' prying eyes.

From his weekend away, he learned that there are men and other boys who also believe in the values we live by at home. In our counseling sessions, he heard many times that mistakes are inevitable and human; it's what we do with our mistakes that turns them into stepping-stones for growth.

More than anything else, I hope he feels in his gut how much all of the adults in his life love him. We know, and want him to know, that he's capable of being kind, respectful, even gallant, and we'll rally around him any time he falters.

 

Reprinted with the permission of eScore.com, Inc., an online resource for parents of children newborn to age 14, helping parents fulfill their role as their child's first and most important teacher. (c) 2000-2001 eScore.com, Inc.